


Let it Burn

by Whorever



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Angst, Angst and Porn, Drama, Eating Disorders, F/F, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Romance, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-04
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-01-14 12:16:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 87,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1266214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whorever/pseuds/Whorever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean's relationship with Eren has been starting to crumble, and to make things worse, he gets a horrible feeling that Eren might just be cheating on him. In his troubles, he goes to his friend Marco who has been secretly in love with Jean for quite some time now. Marco has his own problems with his anorexic roommate, and dark thoughts of his own, he doesn't know if he can wait around any longer for Jean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Problems.

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like I should put a trigger warning here because this story is going to have a lot of suicidal tendencies along with anorexic problems. I don't plan on it being light, so if these things upset you a lot, I would suggest not reading.

"Eren." The sound of a light piece of paper was slammed down onto a desk. The brunette that was sitting at the desk flinched. His green eyes slowly dragged up the pale arm that belonged to the man who slammed the paper down in the first place. He was an unpleasant man, very short, and a very annoyed look was plastered on his face just about all the time. Eren, the brunette sitting at the desk let out a sigh as he prepared for the words that were soon to come out of his teacher's mouth. "This is embarrassing..."

The brunette looked down at his paper, realizing it was the test that he took a week ago, and saw all the red marks scribbled on it. His teacher- Levi- moved on to the next student, handing back their tests to the class. Eren rolled his eyes as he scanned over the comments his teacher made.

_"Not even close," "What?" "Did you even study for this?" "How did you come to this answer? EXPLAIN." "Read the directions," "Try harder next time. This is sad."_

"Douche bag..." Eren mumbled under his breath as he propped his hand under his chin. He heard some chuckling and chattering coming from students behind him, but no distinctive words could be made out. Levi had made his way back to his desk at this point, grading some other homework assignment. The bell rang loudly, startling some kids, while others were already heading towards the door as it went off. Eren put his paper away, and pulled his bag over his shoulders, getting ready to leave, only to be stopped by his teacher. "Eren." The brunette rolled his eyes, grudgingly turning his body towards his teacher. "Sit."

Eren glanced at the door, and then looked at his seat. He knew this would take longer if he didn't just suck it up and go with it, so against every whim in his body, he turned around and sat his ass back down.

His teacher was staring at him, silence filling the room as all the students left, and it was just the two of them. Eren avoided eye contact with his teacher, knowing that it was just going to be a lecture about how bad of a student he was.

The silence was finally broken as Levi set his papers aside and gave his full attention to his student now. "You do realize that you need to pass this class in order to graduate, right?" Eren rolled his eyes, already annoyed. Of course he knew that, he didn't need to be talked to like an idiot. "Your grades have done nothing but plummeted recently. You used to be one of the top students in this class, but now you're almost at the bottom. What's with all this?" Levi gave a moment of silence, hoping that he would get an answer, but there was nothing but an ignorant shrug. "That's not acceptable." He commented. "You've only got a few weeks left until the end of the marking period, you can't afford to take this class over again, especially when you're graduating this year." Levi sighed as he leaned back in his chair, flicking his pen between his fingers as he waited yet again for Eren to respond.

"What do you want from me? My grades are bad, I get that." Eren spat out.

"Your grades are going to cause you to stay behind at least another semester instead of graduating on time with the rest of your class." Levi retorted. "What I want from you is to re-do all of your homework assignments from this past marking period. Anything below a 60% I want re-done."

"What?!" Eren exclaimed. "How am I gonna find the time to do that?!"

"Two days a week, for another hour I want you to stay after class, in here with me. You'll spend it re-doing your homework assignments and studying for your final. As long as you get at least an 85% on your final, and you turn in all of your finished homework assignments, then you should be able to graduate on time just like everybody else."

"Why don't any of the other kids have to do this then?" Eren countered irritably.

"Because out of the students who have some of the worst grades in the class, you are the only one that can actually graduate from passing this class. The others will have to take another year regardless. And the rest of the students have their shit together, or have to pull their shit together for another class-which at that point, is none of my concern." Levi pulled his grading book out and grabbed out a folder with "Jaeger" scrawled across it. "In here are all of the homework assignments you never completed or just failed to turn in completely. I don't care what two days you choose, but it will be those two same days each week. Although, whether or not you choose to turn this around is solely up to you."

"What if I can't come in?" "Then get that work done at home. And make sure you ace the final." Levi held the folder out towards Eren, indicating that the lecture was finally over. Eren sighed deeply, pulling himself out of his desk and grabbing the folder. They held a stare for a moment before Eren turned on his heel and headed for the door. "Jaeger.." Levi called out.

"Yes..?" Eren gritted.

"What happened to your lip?" Levi asked, returning to his paper work.

Eren ran his tongue over his lip, eventually reaching the split and scabbed part on the right side of his mouth. His tongue caused a stinging sensation to jolt through him, but he ignored it. "Boyfriend." He responded bluntly. "Am I to assume that was from rough housing, or do I need to report that?" "...It's fine..." Eren scoffed, finally heading out the door.

Levi stared after him for a moment before slouching in his chair and getting back to correcting papers.

* * *

 

"Hey." Eren turned his head to the side, seeing the man that cooed the greeting at him. Eren returned the greeting with half a smile, and then extended his hand out to his boyfriend, who had been waiting outside the classroom for him.

"Sorry, Jean..." Eren apologized, looking over his significant other., the bruise that swelled under his eye socket somehow made him feel better "That teachers a dick.."

"What took so long though?" Jean questioned as the two finally headed off to their homes.

"He was lecturing me about my grades again, gave me a bunch of homework now, and he wants me to start coming to his class after school now too to work on all of this." Eren groaned, holding up the folder his teacher had assigned him.

"He's letting you make up your work?" Jean asked looking over the folder in Eren's hand.

"Well... Yeah technically. He said I have to get at least an 85% on the final or I won't pass."

"I don't really see what's wrong with that. Most teachers don't let their students make up any work. You should be a little thankful to that guy man." Jean shrugged.

"Yeah, but it's really none of his business."

After walking through the school building and making their way out towards the parting sidewalk, the two stopped. Eren yawned as Jean pulled his hand away.

"Gonna wait for Armin and Mikasa?" Jean asked, shifting his belongings into his other arm.

Eren nodded, looking over his shoulder hoping that they might be there. "You going to go see Marco?"

"Nah, he's already back at the dorm, I'll see him some other time."

"Oh. Does that mean you're free then..?" Eren asked, his eyes once again fixed on the bruise he had left on his boyfriends' face.

"Eh, I mean, for like an hour. We're taking our exam early in my Psychology class, so I was gonna study for that, but if you wanted to chill for a bit.." Jean trailed off, his eyes drawing in on the split lip he had given Eren the other day. The two fell silent as they both tried to ignore the marks they had left on each other. Jean sighed, shrugging his shoulders. "Ah, fuck it, I've got all week to study, did you want to hang out?"

"Are you sure?" Eren asked, raising an eyebrow. "I can't picture you failing a test."

"Eh, that's cause I barely study anyway." Jean smirked, leaning in and placing a soft kiss on Eren's cheek. "I'm just kind of born being this smart and devilishly handsome, so the good grades and babes just come naturally."

Eren shoved Jean away playfully, rolling his eyes. "Shut it, Jean." Eren looked over his shoulder to see if his two best friends had made their way there yet, but they hadn't. He pulled his phone out and typed a quick 'hanging out w jean' text and sent it to them so they knew not to wait up for him. After slipping his phone back into his pocket, he intertwined their fingers and made their way back to Jean's dorm.

* * *

 

"Jean I swear to God-"

"-What, are you gonna give me another black eye?"

"UGH, You are literally the most insanely difficult person I've ever met!" Eren threw his hands into the air, giving up on his argument with his boyfriend. He was so mad about it, because it literally started over the dumbest thing. They were just trying to make a sandwich to eat while they talked, and they literally just disagreed on what order to put the food on. Eren said it was meat and veggies on bottom, any condiments on top. Jean said it was meat on bottom and any veggies and condiments on top. Now it was somehow completely blown out of proportion, and the two were arguing back and forth, threatening to kick each other's asses.

"You act like you're easy to please..." Jean mumbled under his breath.

Eren ended up throwing the food in his hand down. "Well I'm fucking sorry I'm so damn frustrating to you!"

"You _literally_ just told me that's what I was!" Jean yelled standing out of his kitchen seat. "How the hell are you gonna use that against me?!"

"Why does it always gotta be against you!? Why the fuck do you act like I'm always out to get you!?" Eren yelled back, stepping closer to Jean.

"Are you fucking serious?! Do you listen to yourself talk? You have got to be the biggest fucking idiot on the face of the planet!" Jean screamed.

"I'm still above you on that!"

"Yeah? Is that why you have to have a teacher baby you to pass fucking schoo-" Jean was cut off when Eren couldn't take it anymore and slammed a fist into the taller man's jaw. Jean looked back in anger, holding onto his cheek and then letting out a frustrating growl and jumping at Eren. The two began rolling around on each other, punching and kicking at one another, screaming insults in between each punch.

"FUCK YOU-!" Jean screamed as he threw his fist against Eren's cheek. Eren retorted by kneeing him in the stomach and kicking him off of him. Jean rolled over, and then crawled away, trying to catch his breath.

The angry brunette gripped onto Jean's leg, and started punching him on this thigh. "I fucking hate you so much! You piece of shit!"

"GODAMMIT THAT HURTS-" Jean shoved Eren's head, trying to push him off of his leg. He threw his free leg at him, hoping it would weaken his grip while Eren kept punching him.

"-FUCK Y---"

"--HEYY!!"

The two stopped dead in the their tracks, turning their attention to the door and seeing Armin standing there with his school bag over his shoulder and a bitter look on his face. "Knock. It. Off."

Eren looked to Jean and then let go of his leg, standing up. Jean started to stand and in the process shoved Eren, in which the brunette toppled backwards. After regaining his balance, Eren pushed Jean's shoulder, nearly knocking him over.

"Seriously, guys?" Armin sighed, throwing his bag to the ground. "You two are like kindergartners..." He rolled his eyes as he walked over to them. He looked the two over, seeing new bruises and swelling occurring and sighed. Her turned to his brunette friend. "Eren... You should probably leave..."

Eren bawled his hands into a fist and then stomped off towards the door. He grabbed his school bag from behind the door and walked out, slamming the door behind him.

There was a silence in the air for a moment, Armin rolling his head towards Jean with a look that said What-The-Hell-Did-You-Do-This-Time?

Jean huffed, not saying anything.

"Jean..." Armin sighed.

The taller man turned to his blond room mate and rolled his eyes. "What? He started it!"

"You guys can't keep doing that! That's seriously so bad!" Armin pulled out a chair and sat down. "How are you two even still in a relationship at this point?"

Jean let his shoulders slump with a sigh. "I..I don't know man... I just..." He looked off to the side before deciding to sit with Armin. "We just keep getting into fights lately.."

"Have you guys tried... You know, talking? " Armin asked with a sarcastic tone. Jean shot Armin a mean look before continuing.

"He doesn't really talk anymore. Everything we try to talk about just ends up turning into a fight, and then we're both covered in bruises, and everyone's assuming we're in some kind of abusive relationship.."

Armin rose an eyebrow. "You know, you _are_ in an abusive relationship right now...You guys are both abusing the hell out of each other." Jean didn't have any response for the blond, and just groaned. He didn't really know what to do, he honestly wasn't even sure if he still liked Eren, but the idea of them breaking up sounded horrible, so he guessed that he must've if he couldn't leave him. "Look, you're my friend, and you're also my room mate, so I have this obligation to side with you on things, but you need to understand, Eren is my _best_ friend. Eren is really close to me, so I swear if I see you hurt him again, Jean.." Jean waved a hand in the air.

"Yeah, yeah, I know.. I can't keep my temper around him, I don't know. Something's wrong with him and it just pisses me off that he won't do anything about it.. So I just get mad instead of.. Well.. Being more like you."

Armin's face didn't change any, he placed his fingertips on the table and tapped them lightly on the table. "Well maybe you should stop getting pissed off over someone else's emotions, and actually try to be there for them." Before another word could be said, Armin stood up from his spot and walked off towards his room, leaving Jean staring after him with a pissed off look on his bruised face.


	2. Chapter 2

Another bright sunny day, with a nice cool breeze and people walking about rushing to their destinations, or walking slowly towards the dreaded day ahead of them. One of those slower walkers was Marco Bodt. He had his backpack over his shoulders, and a few notebooks under his arm. He was walking along slowly to his dorm room, his eyes focusing on his cell phone. He'd gotten a text message from his best friend Jean that he was canceling his plans with him again. On top of that, Marco had also received a message from his roommate that only said "He makes me feel sick...." and that was it. His stomach flipped as he pondered over what way his roommate meant that, but he figured he'd find out as soon as he got home.

Upon arriving to his dorm room, Marco pulled open the door and looked around the small area. "Bertholdt?" He asked, stepping inside and putting his things down on the table near the kitchen.He walked in towards his room, passing the bathroom and finally hearing noise of another human being. He was gagging.

Marco let out a sigh, putting a hand to his forehead. He didn't have the energy for this anymore. He stepped towards the bathroom door where he heard it and checked the doorknob.

It was locked.

"Bertholdt, open the door..." He breathed, listening closely to what was going on behind the door. There was crying, and a pause.. And then another vomiting sound. "Bertholdt, open this door." Marco pleaded.

"..I-I ate...." Marco could barely hear Bertholdt over the noise of the toilet flushing. " So much.. Gross.."

Marco rubbed his eyes in a stressed manner and then turned and went for the kitchen. He pulled out a butter knife, bringing it back with him towards the door. He tried twisting the knob again, hoping it might've been unlocked for him, but it wasn't. Marco jammed the knife into the side of the door and pushed it to the side slightly, causing the door to pop open.

The freckled boy let out a long sigh when he looked down at his roommate, lying on the ground with his head hanging over the toilet bowl, tears running down his face. "....." There was a silence between the two of them, Bertholdt too ashamed to look anywhere near Marco. The shorter of the two ran a hand through his hair and then set the knife down on the bathroom sink. "Come on.. Let's go lay down.."

Marco reached a hand out towards Bertholdt and helped him up. Bertholdt stood up, using his hands to wipe his face, getting rid of all the tears he had cried. The two walked towards Marco's bed, Bertholdt sitting on the edge while he composed himself.

Marco walked over to their tv and clicked it on, putting it on some random channel. He crawled into his bed, sitting towards the headboard and looking at the tall and lanky friend of his. "Hey..." Bertholdt turned to him, looking embarrassed. "How was it?"

Bertholdt bit his lip, looking away. " I-I didn't.. Want to eat..all-"

"Not the food, how was hanging out with him?" Marco cut him off, trying to take his mind off the incident he had today.

Bertholdt let out a breath, rubbing his arm. "...I can't remember..We had fun...He said I should eat more... So I did..."

Marco was quiet for a moment, before reaching towards the taller man and putting his hand on his back in a comforting manner. "I'm proud of you." Bertholdt looked confused by the statement. "That was really strong for you to do that."

"Do...what?"

"..." Marco smiled at him, deciding not to say it. "Nothing, Just know I'm proud of you."

Bertholdt looked away from him, his face showing how little it really meant. He had thoughts of self hate swarming through his mind constantly, so what on earth did Marco have to be proud of in him? He had no reason to.

Seeing the lack of affect it had on Bertholdt, Marco removed his hand and then laid back on his elbows. "So? Did you at least get to hug him?"

Bertholdt's face brightened to a light pink, bringing his fingers to his lips and chewing on them. "N-no.. He just.. Patted me on the back.. Like, a sideways hug.."

"So you at least got to touch him?" Marco smirked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ahh, stop it, you make it sound so strange.." Bertholdt turned away, his face getting darker. "We were just hanging out, Marco.."

"Yeah, I know, I just think it's adorable how you act. I'm sure if he saw you like this, Reiner would be all over you in no time." Marco laughed at how flustered it made his friend, but he couldn't help himself. It was the only way he could make him feel any better, and he felt like it was working.

"Jesus Marco, I'm trying to spend time with him, not get in his pants.." Bertholdt breathed, pulling at his sweater. "Is this what you tried to accomplish with Jean all day?"

"Ah..." Marco breathed out, feeling a tight squeeze on his heart. "He.. Canceled."

"Again?" Bertholdt questioned.

"Yeah... Said he was gonna hang out with Eren today.." Marco shrugged his shoulders, feeling defeated.

"...He does that a lot to you.."

"Well they _are_ dating, so I guess I can't really complain.. I just feel like I never see him anymore..." Marco trailed off. He pulled out his phone, looking at it in the hopes that maybe he had a missed message, but there wasn't anything. He even went to his recent messages and clicked on Jean's name, but it was still the same message he had received after he was out of class.

"Why don't you try texting him?" Bertholdt suggested, pointing down at his phone.

"Ahhh he might be.. Busy or something.." Marco mumbled, flipping his phone over so he didn't have to look at his name any longer.

"Well, then he'll get back to you after he's not busy." The taller guy looked at his freckled roommate. "That is the point of texting, right?"

"You're one to talk.." Marco mumbled, looking back at his phone. He hit the reply button under Jean and his conversation, and stared at his screen for a while. He bit his lip before he just decided to type something simple.

**Marco** : How was the date with the bf?

It didn't take long for his phone to buzz off again and Marco caught his friend chuckling at him. "See? Wasn't that hard."

Marco rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. I'm sure you just text Reiner all the time then?"

"Hah, we're talking about you here, don't change the subject." Bertholdt joked.

Marco smiled, looking down at his phone.

**Jean:** Horrible.

Marco seemed surprised by his response and in a way felt sort of happy by it. The happiness died instantly when he thought about how cruel of a wish it was, and a feeling of guilt crept through him.

**Marco** : Aw, what happened??

**Jean** : Youll see it tomorrow.

Marco let out a sigh, biting the side of his cheek. Bertholdt raised an eyebrow to his friend, curious as to what the two were talking about. The freckled boy typed away another message to his crush.

**Marco** : Did you guys get into a fight again?

_Bzzt_

**Jean** : Yeah. Are you busy?

"Ahh-" Marco blushed, biting his lip. Like, busy right now? And did he want to hang out right now? Or call? Or-

"What's he saying?" Bertholdt asked, pulling his legs up to chest, covering up his whole torso from sight. Marco looked to him, his eyes paying attention to his sickly pale skin, and horribly skinny figure.

"He got into a fight with Eren again, and he's asking if I'm busy." He responded.

"Are you... Gonna go out?" Bertholdt's voice trailed off, his eyes looking desperate for his friend's attention. Marco felt his heart slump. He didn't even know if that's what Jean was asking, but there's no way he could leave his friend to his terrible thoughts by himself tonight. He didn't want to have to chose between the two, but he knew it'd be Bertholdt if it came down to it. He looked down at his phone and typed away. "I don't even know if that's what he wants."

**Marco** : Sort of, just chilling with Bert, why?

_Bzzt-_

**Jean:** Never mind, I'll see you tomorrow.

Marco cocked an eyebrow in confusion, tossing his phone aside without replying. "Alright.." He sighed out. "I guess he didn't want anything then."

Bertholdt fiddled with the hem of his pants, a small creeping on his face."That was weird.."

"Hopefully he'll tell me about it tomorrow.." Marco pushed himself forward, stepping off the bed and walking up to the tv. "You in the mood to play something?" He switched the tv over to it's game mode and clicked on his playstation, tossing a controller to his friend and then taking his and plopping back down. "How about castle crashers?"

"Sure, that sounds like I won't die as much."

"Dibs on Orange Knight." Marco called, loading the game up.

"Whatever, I'm always the green one anyway."

* * *

The worst thing about school is probably how slow each hour seemed to go by for every class. Lecture after lecture, test after test, it was all the same. It was hard to have a fun classroom when there were so many different ways a teacher could get in trouble nowadays. It made for a horrible education system, to say the least. Regardless, Levi was thankful he had a few hours in his day to catch up on all of his grading and extra work.

He was currently sitting at his desk, in his empty classroom, marking paper after paper. He had become so robotic over each answer that he could probably guarantee that there was a paper marked incorrectly. Rubbing his eyes, Levi sat back in his chair, straightening out his shoulders, and back before he tried to knock out the remaining stack of ungraded work. There was a light tap on his classroom door, his uninterested eyes glancing over and being met with a co-worker of his. "Mind if I stop by?"

"Seems too late to say no." Levi responded, picking up his red pen and continuing to check his papers. His taller friend stepped up to his desk, and picked up some of the papers in the stack that had already been graded.

"You know, for how shitty your personality is, you don't grade as strict as I would expect you to."

"Of course not, why would I do that?" Levi asked, grabbing the papers from his colleague's hands and setting them back in their proper pile. "Not everyone is on the same level, and acting like they are is just ignorant."

"Well, then what about the kids above that level? You're just making it easy on them."

"That's what they get for being above it." Levi commented. "Besides, there's AP classes for that. Jesus, I'd hate to see how you grade.."

The taller man laughed. "I teach History, it's all about the memory skills there."

Levi let out an annoyed sigh. "Erwin, what the fuck do you want?"

Erwin leaned against Levi's desk, looking out at his friends' classroom. "Nothing, I'm on my break so I thought I'd swing by..." He turned his gaze out the window, staring out at the courtyard that was in view. "Did you hear what happened to the professor over at Maria?"

"No Erwin, and I don't give a shit." Levi commented, flipping over the paper in his hand and scribbling his red pen across it. Erwin ignored his comment and went on with the story anyway.

"The guy got caught with a student of his. Apparently, he had been giving the girl a higher grade in exchange for sex."

"Really?" Levi asked, pretending like he cared about the story, his voice thick with sarcasm.

"Yup, He's in prison for.. I forgot how long, and the girl I guess was taken out of that school."

"No way." Again, heavy sarcasm.

"I can't believe it." Erwin chuckled.

Levi rolled his eyes, he really couldn't be any less interested in the topic. "What? That some old pigshit was attracted to a young pretty girl and took advantage of his position as a teacher and got his way with her? Fucking unbelievable, never heard the story before."

"No, that he got caught." To this, Levi's pen instantly stopped all the writing it was doing, and his eyes, for the first time since the story started, looked up at the blond.

"What?" He asked, the look on his face coming to the only logical conclusion that could be drawn from those words. Erwin cracked a smile, enjoying the reaction he got from Levi. Levi always knew that the girls in the school would swoon over this guy, and hell, a handful of them were probably old enough to be his mom, but he didn't think that meant Erwin would still do something like that. "Are you saying you've had sex with your students before..?" Levi asked.

"Haha," Erwin cackled, waving a hand in the air. "No, of course not, that's cruel, Levi" But his expression said other wise and Levi knew that response was bullshit.

Erwin picked up on the look and shrugged. "There are rules in place you know."

"Yeah? What kind of rules?" Levi asked, staring up at him with a deadpanned expression.

"Well for one, there's no taking advantage of students, and of course, age is a biggie."

"Oh my-" Levi put his pen down, bringing a hand to his face.

"Ah don't think of it like it's taboo, Levi. You could probably pick up a good date with one of your students."

"Are we really having this conversation..?" Levi asked, more to himself than Erwin.

"Or maybe not, you'd probably scare them all away with that face." Erwin pointed at Levi. The darker haired man shot him a death glare.

"What're you saying?"

Erwin smiled. "I bet you can't get at least a date with one of your students."

"....I'm not playing this game, Erwin."

"Oh, another rule though, no using grades or anything against them-"

"-Erwin, I'm not-"

"-And they have to consent to it, no guilt tripping them or anything.-"

"You're not listening-"

"-Ah, I would just think of it as a person outside the classroom."

Levi stared up at the taller man, his mind beginning to play with the idea."Erwin, I could probably get any student that you point out to me if I wanted to, so whatever you're thinking about, just forget it." He ended with.

Erwin raised and eyebrow. "Oh? Is that your bet?"

"Get that shit-eating grin off your face."

"You're thinking about it, I can tell." Levi let out a frustrated groan. "If I can get them to say 'yes' to a date, then will you shut the fuck up?"

Just as Levi finished his sentence, there was another presence at the door. "Hey.. Professor..."

The two turned their heads to be met with an averaged sized male brunette, and Levi felt his gut twist, his mind telling him not to look at the blond.

Erwin leaned in towards Levi. "I still get to point them out, right?" Before another word could be exchanged between the two, Erwin pushed himself off of the desk, and announced loudly. "Well! I'd better get back to my class then, I'll see you later."

"Eren..." Levi mumbled, staring at his student for his next class. "You're early... By two hours..."

"...I figured I'd get help on the work you gave me." Eren stepped into the classroom, paying no mind to Erwin as he stepped out of the room. He pulled out his backpack and grabbed the folder Levi had given to him previously. He flipped to the first few pages of the packet and held it out towards his teacher. "I just wanted you to check them to see if they're right."

Levi glanced over the page, recognizing most of the answers correctly. His gaze shifted from the page to Eren's cheeks. "Eren." Levi called, bringing the brunette's attention to him. He set the paper down on his desk and leaned back a bit. "What happened to your face?" Eren brought a hand to his cheek, turning to the side and not saying anything. "What's going on? Every time I see you, there's a new bruise or cut on you."

"It's.. Just some relationship problems...."

"Yeah, your boyfriend, right?" Levi's eyes glanced to the clock and then back at the boy. "Is that why you're here early? To get away from him?"

"..." Eren looked away, not saying anything.

"..." Levi stared at him a moment longer before looking down at his paper. "What's his name?"

Eren felt his heart twist for a moment. "Levi, please don't report--"

"I'm not going to report him, I just wanted to know about your relationship." Levi lied. He wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to report or not, because he wasn't quite sure if it was a problem.

"...Jean." Eren sighed. The last thing he wanted to happen was to get Jean in trouble, especially since he knew the two were both at fault. "Jean Kirschstein."

"Ah, What's he like?"

"An idiot." Eren spat out crossing his arms with a slight look of frustration over coming him. "The biggest jerk on the planet too."

Levi chuckled. "Sounds like someone I know." He commented, referring to Erwin. Eren brought his eyes back to his teacher. "How long have you two been dating?"

"Ahh.." Eren bit his lip thinking. "Almost.. Three years now?"

Levi glanced up at him. "That's a long time to date an idiot."

Eren cracked a smile, looking away. "Well, he's.. A good idiot. But..."

There was a silence in the air, Eren's smile fading away as he let out a sigh. Levi watched him, twirling his pen in his hand, before dragging his eyes back to Eren's paper and marking a check at the top, indicating that it had been turned in.

"....I don't think I love him anymore...." Eren mumbled, more to himself than to Levi. The older of the two looked up at him, specifically at the cuts and bruises that were scattered on his face.

"Eren." Levi started, handing the paper back to his student, and then pointing his pen at him. "Are you trying to get him to break up with you? Is that what all of this is about?" He indicated Eren's face.

The brunette was quiet, looking down as he let his thoughts roam. He didn't really know. Maybe that's what he was doing, maybe that's why he had been picking fights all the time, and making things so much more difficult than they had to be. He thought about breaking up with Jean a lot lately, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe he was subconsciously trying to make Jean hate him enough to leave him. "...I don't know.." Eren sighed, taking the paper from Levi.

"Do you want my advice?" Levi asked. The brunette looked at him and didn't say anything. "You're not happy. Break up with him. You're gonna hurt him, and throwing punches in each other's face isn't going to make his feelings hurt any less when you do it. He's not going to be the one to break up with you, I can tell you that much." Eren slipped the paper into his folder and then looked towards the door.

"...Are tuesdays and thursdays alright?" "What?" Levi asked, thrown off by the out of the blue question.

"For the make up work, are those days good?"

"Oh.. Yeah of course." Levi waved a hand in the air, his mind briefly going back to the conversation that he had with Erwin. He pushed the thought away and gave Eren a nod.

Eren went towards the back of the classroom, putting his things on his desk "You know.. You're not as much as a prick as I thought you were. "

"I get that a lot." Levi chuckled.

"Yeah..." Eren didn't say anything else, but instead put his head down on his desk, grabbing a nice nap before the class actually started.

 


	3. Chapter 3

"Jesus Jean!" Marco exclaimed, reaching a hand out to his friend. "He fucked you up..."

"Thanks..." Jean said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

The two were currently in the bathroom of a grocery store, Jean with his pants pulled down far enough to show Marco the bruise on his thigh. Marco bit his lip, staring at his friend's well toned, and now dark purple thigh. Jean huffed as he pulled his pants back up. "I'm so sick of this shit, man!"

Marco shook his head, his eyes now on Jean's face, staring at the healing black eye that he was given a while ago. His heart twisted as he stared at him. "Ahh.. This is happening more frequently now.."

"I know, and it's over the stupidest shit too!" Jean nodded his head towards the door. "Let's get out of here though, smells like piss..." Marco agreed, and the two headed out towards the door.

Marco's throat felt extremely dry all of a sudden and his palms began to sweat. He was nervous, but he wanted to help Jean. "Jean...Are you two.. I-I mean, do you guys still enjoy being around each other?"

"Tsk," Jean stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets and headed off towards the cafe area of the super market. "I don't know about hard ass, but I still do.. I mean.. Why wouldn't I?"

"Because you come out with a new bruise every time...?" Marco suggested. He felt so bad at helping Jean with these things because every time he said something, he felt as though Jean would think he was trying to get them to break up and- even if he really did want that to happen- he didn't want Jean to be hurt. Marco had his wishes, and fantasies, but he wasn't going to put his feelings over his friend when he needed him. Sometimes when he wanted to give advice, he couldn't even tell if he was saying it because that's what he really felt, or if it's what he wanted to happen.

"Eh..." Jean sighed. "Eren's been acting like a royal bitch lately...And then when I try to talk to Armin about it, he gets pissed at me and tells me to stop getting mad. How the fuck am I supposed to just stop being mad at Eren when all this bullshit starts?"

"Well...Maybe he didn't mean for you to just stop feeling angry, but to stop instigating?"

"Inst-" Jean stopped in his tracks, and turned towards his freckled friend. "Instigating?! "

Marco just shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, I don't have a clue how your fights start, but if you could let things slide, maybe the fights wouldn't happen as frequently."

Jean rolled his eyes, the two walking up towards the cafe area and picking a table to sit at. Jean kicked a chair back and sat down, slouching in his chair and groaning. "I'm so sick of this relationship sometimes. It just keeps getting worse and worse and it just feels like we're only hanging out to still be able to say we're dating." He pulled himself up in his chair and then leaned on the table. "Like, I don't know, I still like him and stuff, but..I sorta feel like he hates me."

"...." Marco twiddled his thumbs, he didn't really know what to say.. "Like...?"

"Well, yeah I mean I hope he doesn't actually hate me."

"No, you said you still like him.." Marco pointed out. "When did it stop being love...?"

"I..." Jean stared at his friend, completely stumped. "...I don't know..."

The two sat in silence for a moment, Marco uncomfortable and nervous, while Jean was in deep thought. "Maybe...Maybe I should..." Marco's ears perked up to the words, his heart started to pound and he felt his face getting hot. Should what? Break up with him? Give me a chance? He mentally slapped himself for the thoughts that crossed his mind. He was being selfish, he had to think about Jean here, not his feelings.

"Maybe I should go see him.. Try to talk about this or something..." Jean breathed out.

Marco felt his heart drop. "Ah... That might be for the best. Ignoring and fighting about nothing isn't going to fix anything."

Jean leaned forward nodding his head. "Yeah, you're right.. Like always." He stood up, surprising his freckled friend.

"W-wait, you're going to talk to him right now?" Marco asked, his body barely able to allow himself to stand as he felt himself get desperate to keep Jean here.

"Yeah, I want to sort this out." He stuffed his hands into his pockets as he nodded towards the exit. "I was thinking maybe you should tag along though. I know it's not the best way to hang out, but you always have a way of keeping me calm, and I feel like I need it."

Great.

Just...

Great.

Marco's throat closed up for a moment, taking his eyes off of his friend and thinking. He would either have to let himself get ditched again, or to be a third wheel and still hang out with Jean. He didn't know which one would be worse. He supposed that once Jean and Eren got over their damn bickering, he would leave before the two were all over each other. He let out a sigh and then nodded. "Alright, fine.."

Jean smiled, his face looking as pleasant as it possibly could for a split second. It made Marco's heart jump. The two turned and walked towards Jean's car, heading off towards Eren's dorm room. To say the least, Marco had a bad feeling in his gut about how it was going to go down.

* * *

 

 

"What're you doing here...?" Eren groaned in his doorway, his eyes glaring at his boyfriend in front of him.

"We need to talk." Jean stated, hands in his pocket.

"What's _he_ doing here?" Eren snapped, nodding towards Marco. Marco gave a sheepish wave, an awkward chuckle barely audible as he tried to play it off like there wasn't just a shit ton of tension in the air at the moment.

"I asked him to come along, don't worry about it." Jean looked past Eren. "Now are we allowed in, or what?"

Eren rolled his eyes and then stepped aside to let the men in. He shut the door and then walked past them, not exchanging any words as he plopped himself down on the couch.

Jean looked around the dorm room, it was set up similar to his, the living room was off to the right, and there was a kitchen on the left, a dinning area just at the entrance of the kitchen. In the middle of the two sides, there was a hallway that lead towards the rooms and bathroom in the back.

Eren was sitting on the couch that was pushed up against the wall, next to the hallway entrance. There was a long coffee table in front that he usually put his feet against. Currently there were homework assignments sprawled across it, a couple of pens and pencils lying on top of some of the work. Across from the couch and table, there was a TV stand set up with a simple 32 inch TV set there. A couple of games and movies were sprawled along the TV stand, a digital receiver sitting next to the tv.

Marco hadn't ever been inside of Eren's dorm before, he really had no reason to. Jean had his own car, so it's not like he'd ever pick him up from here. He actually had no idea who Eren's room mate was either. He never heard about him or saw him ever so it was a complete mystery.

"You and I both know you've been acting differently lately." Jean's voice cut into Marco's thoughts. He turned towards his crush, his face showing worry at how this conversation would go.

"Eh." Eren responded, not really acknowledging Jean's serious tone.

Jean felt his blood boil for a split second. He was trying to be concerned for his ass, and he was just gonna play it off like nothing. "Eren." Jean growled, taking in a breath to calm his nerves. "I just want to know what's going with you."

"Did freckled fuck tell you say that?" Eren hissed. Marco blinked, taken aback by the insult. What did he do? He literally was just standing there, how did that piss him off?

"Leave Marco out of it, ass." Jean responded, looking more angry than he did a moment ago. Marco could sense the air getting bad, and was sure a fight was about to break out. "I honestly want to know what's wrong with you, alright? Is that so hard to believe?"

"Why does something have to be wrong with me?" Eren snapped, standing up from the couch. "Why is it always that I do something wrong? Has the possibility of you fucking up ever crossed your mind?"

"Well if I did, fucking tell me!" Jean fumed.

Eren rolled his eyes. "You mean your bitch over there couldn't have told you already, hn?" Marco made a confused face. He wasn't even insulted, he was just honestly confused. What would Eren have said if he wasn't standing there, he wondered.

Jean gripped onto Eren's collar pulling him towards him. "Say one more bad thing about Marco, I swear to god, Eren."

"Of course, he's just fucking perfect, isn't he?" Jean bawled his fist up, ready to slam it into Eren's face when Marco jumped in. He grabbed onto Jean's hand and pulled it off of Eren.

"Stop it!" He yelled, pushing the two away from each other. He turned to Eren, looking almost angry at him. "You can insult me all you want to if that helps with your ego problem." Eren opened his mouth to retort, but Marco cut him off. "Stop dodging the god damn bullet and answer his fucking question. You're dating him, you owe him that much."

Jean looked surprised by the words that came out of his mouth, and Eren just looked even angrier. "Don't act like you know everything that happens between us. Or what a relationship's even like." Eren retorted. "You always try to play high and mighty but you don't have a clue what you're talking about, Our problems are between us, I didn't know having someone here to defend him was necessary."

"I don't care!" Marco exclaimed. "You would do the exact same thing for Armin, so don't even try it."

Jean brushed Marco off and then turned to Eren. "Are you really that upset I brought Marco along? What, are you jealous, or something?" Eren looked away from him, staring at the ground. Jean let out a sigh. "You wanna know why I brought him? So I wouldn't get mad. So that I wouldn't start yelling at you again, and I'd actually be able to figure out what's wrong with you lately." Eren looked up at him, almost like he was trying to figure out if it was bullshit or not. Jean didn't give him the chance to figure it out and kept talking. "It's pretty clear that you don't want to talk about it.. Or you don't know yourself, so I guess I'll just leave it alone until you're ready to talk.." He mumbled.

Eren eyed Marco, his blood still boiling over his words before he turned to Jean. Jean was getting ready to leave, but Eren grabbed a hold of his hand. The anger that was visible on his face seemed to dissolve as he pulled Jean closer. "Jean, wait..." He paused, placing his hand around his neck and pulling him down into a kiss. Marco turned away, his stomach twisting into knots at how horrible it felt to look at that. Jean kissed him back, pulling away with a smile on his face. Eren sighed and looked to the ground. "I...I don't know."

"That's alright." Jean breathed, pulling his hand away from his neck and lacing their fingers together. "Just, talk to me when you're ready, alright?" Eren nodded. Jean turned and headed towards the door, Marco holding his breath as he tried to block out the images that were burning in his mind right now.

He turned to follow Jean when he heard a laugh emit from the brunette behind him. Jean had already made his way out the door as Marco turned to face Eren. "You're really obvious." Eren commented.

Marco stared at the smirk on Eren's lips, his body not able to understand how to handle all of the anger that was rising in him. He couldn't even form words at the moment. "Even if we do break up, Jean's not ever going to fall for you, you know." Eren stepped closer to the freckled man, crossing his arms like he just beat him. "You know how much shit he's said about you? All the things he's complained about that you've done? If Jean ever da-"

Eren was caught off by the force of a fist slamming into his cheek. The punch was so strong that it knocked Eren backward, and on the ground completely unconscious. Marco held his fist in the air for a moment, the anger that went through him only feeling slightly released.

He wasn't stupid, he knew what Eren was trying to do, and he'd be damned if he let that asshole use him like that. He stood there for a moment, dropping his hand to his side and letting out a deep breath, calming his nerves. He had never lost his temper like that before, and he didn't even regret it at the moment. Eren really was something else. Who was he trying to fool? He called _him_ obvious?

Marco stared down at the brunette he just knocked out and rolled his eyes. He couldn't just leave him like that. Even though he didn't really want to, Marco picked Eren up and laid him across the couch so that he at least didn't seem out of the ordinary to his roommate. As far as anyone was concerned, Eren just passed out while studying. Marco looked at the paper sprawled out and decided to leave Eren a message. He picked up one of the pencils sprawled about and scribbled something down. He then quickly went out after Jean, hoping that he didn't make him wait long enough to feel the need to come back in here. He had no idea how he would explain this to him.

* * *

 

Marco came home, still in a pretty bad mood over the whole thing that happened. He had Jean just take him home after the whole ordeal, his head kept going back to all the shit that Eren had said and his anger would stir up again, only for Marco to try and shove it to the back of his mind.

He didn't think to look around and check for Bertholdt, he just went straight for the bathroom, really needing to pee. The thought that Bertholdt might've been in there didn't even cross his mind, but his stomach dropped as soon as his hand went to turn the knob, only to stay in place. "Not now..." Marco breathed, really not sure if he had the energy to deal with this today. "Bertholdt...?" He called out.

There wasn't much noise for a moment, but the handle jiggled for a second before the taller man pulled the door open. He was just brushing his teeth. Marco smiled at him. "Hah, sorry, I just have to pee real quick."

"O-Oh-" Bertholdt breathed, looking flustered as he wasn't sure whether to take the tooth brush with him or not. Deciding to, Bertholdt turned the water off from the sink and stepped out side, holding his tooth brush in his hand as he let Marco past him. He stood next to the door, staring at his toothbrush and trying to keep himself from swallowing all of the toothpaste in his mouth.

It felt like forever before a flush was heard and a moment later Marco stepped out. "Sorry, Are you getting ready for something?" He questioned, noticing that Bertholdt had just gotten out of the shower not too long ago, from his damp looking hair.

"Ah, Maybe, I'm not sure yet." Bertholdt said, his mouth full of toothpaste. He walked to the sink to spit the foam out, then rinsed his mouth out. "Reiner said him and some friends were gonna go out but...." Marco raised his eyebrows up, trying to get him to say more. Bertholdt's face dropped and he sighed. "I-I don't know, I don't really know everyone that well and I always feel like they hate me when I'm around them, and that they're making fun of me when I'm not paying attention.."

The shorter of the two gave a sheep shrug. "Well...Normally I would try to convince you to go out but... You think we could talk for a bit...?"

Bertholdt's face looked surprised, putting his toothbrush down and staring at his friend. "Y-yeah of course, what's wrong..? Did something happen?"

"Besides knocking Eren unconscious? Nah"

"You _what_?" Bertholdt exclaimed. He looked shocked and like he might have been blown over if there was a gust of wind blowing through right then. "I- What?!"

Marco waved a hand in the air, trying to dismiss the drama that was attached to his statement. "Ah, it was just between me and him, but.. I've got a bad feeling about them now."

The taller of the two looked around before glancing at his room. "Did you want to sit and talk?" Marco nodded in agreement and they headed towards his room.

For the most part, they usually always talked about things in Marco's room, so it was weird actually being in his roommate's for a change. There were sketchbook and art utensils sprawled out all over the place, his desk covered in paper. Bertholdt has his bed tucked away in the corner, an eisel in the center of the room. He had a tv in here, but Marco was pretty sure he hardly ever used it. The most he saw Bertholdt use was his radio and speakers to listen to music when he drew things. Bertholdt plopped onto his bed and watched as Marco took a seat next to him.

"What made you punch Eren...?" He asked, curious. Marco had to of been mad enough to do something like that and he was pretty sure that he'd never seen his friend really that mad at anything.

"Ah, I'll explain it. But really, I feel like Eren's trying to do something really stupid.. I mean.. He just played off Jean like it was nothing when I was there. Like, he couldn't care less how Jean felt." Marco let out a sigh and decided to explain the whole story to his friend.

"So yeah.. Then I punched him and left with Jean..."

"....Wow..." Bertholdt breathed, completely fascinated by the story. "He really said that to you?"

"Well, something like that.. But my point is, I think he acted that way with Jean to spite me though.."

"But what reason would he have to do something like that? Besides being.. You know.. An ass..." Bertholdt started to twiddle his thumbs, worrying for his friend. In a way, he felt like Marco might have been over exaggerating, but he had no reason to disbelieve him. Besides, Eren was always over reacting to everything anyway.

"Because.." Marco puffed out his cheeks thinking. "I just.. I think he wants me to tell Jean about it.." Bertholdt raised an eyebrow, not following his friend's train of thought. "Like.. I get this feeling that Eren.. He's trying to break up with Jean, but he doesn't know how.. So he's just pissing him off until he does.."

"Hm..." Bertholdt hummed. His thoughts were cut off by the buzzing of his phone. He jumped for it, knowing right away it was Reiner. Marco smiled, letting out a sigh. "H-Hello??" Bertholdt answered right away, immediately chewing his nails, extremely flustered. "Ah- Y-Yeah I know.. Oh.. Yeah? Why?.. Alright.... Okay....Ahh....O-One second..."

Bertholdt pulled the phone towards his chest and turned towards Marco. His eyes looked desperate. "Everyone else canceled, he wants me to go over to his dorm!" He breathed.

" _Get it in_." Marco joked, causing Bertholdt's face to burn red as he slapped a hand on his face and pulled the phone back to his ear. "Ah! Yes! I-I mean yeah, that's fine." Bertholdt shook his head regretting the way he answered. There was a silence and then Bertholdt said bye and hung up his phone. He let out a breath and then turned to Marco. "Why did you say that?! "

Marco started laughing and put his hand in the air. "Don't hit me, I'm sorry" He chuckled pretending to be completely defenseless. Bertholdt pulled his collar up wanting to die from embarrassment.

"Ahh! I'm sorry Marco, he's gonna be here soon and we were talking-"

"No, no, it's fine. One of us needs to get laid around here." Marco smirked. Bertholdt shot him a look as he ran around his room, frantically trying to get ready to hang out with Reiner.

He looked towards his friend and then sat down again with him. "Alright.. We can at least talk until he gets here then..?"

Marco shook his head. "Nah, he'll be here soon, but..." Marco trailed off , extending his hand out towards his friend, his pinky the only finger pointed towards him. "Can you promise me something?" Bertholdt looked down at his pinky, his face dropping. "Will you promise not to puke again?"


	4. Chapter 4

Food.

It was gross.

It was disgusting.

Why did it have to exist? Why did it have to sit there and taunt him, make him want it so badly? It made him nauseas to stare at the food that sat in front of him. He wasn't ready for this, he didn't know how to handle it.

"Come on, it's not gonna bite you!" Bertholdt snapped out of his train of thought, staring up to the well built, masculine blond that sat across from him. They were sitting at a table, a box of pizza in the center. Steam was swirling in the air, dispersing into nothingness from the hot pizza. The cheese was cooked to a nice golden color and the pepperoni had a slight crispy texture around the edges.

Bertholdt put his hands up. "I-I didn't pay for this, I couldn-"

"So? That just means you got the next pizza then, right?" Reiner joked. He picked up the plate in his hand, slapping a few more pieces on it, and then directing Bertholdt towards the living room. The dark haired man stared at his empty plate, and then got up and followed Reiner.

The two sat down on the couch, Reiner taking the remote and turning the TV on. "What's something we can watch...?" He pulled up the TV guide up, and went to the on demand feature. "What kind of movies do you like?"

"O-oh, I don't know....Whatever is fine."

Reiner turned away from the TV and looked at Bertholdt. "Dude," He rolled his eyes as he slid his plate to him. "Eat some damn pizza or I'll shove it down your throat. Stop feeling so bad about it!"

"N-no really, I'm fine-"

"-It's Pizza!"

"I, uh actually before I left I ate-"

" _Pizza_ though!" Reiner pushed, taking a slice and taking a large bite out of it. Bertholdt chuckled and then stared down at the plate Reiner pushed in front of him. Any appetite he might've had seemed to vanish. For a moment, it felt like the steam that was rising from the pizza were turning into odd shapes that seemed to mock him. He felt like he was going to puke.

Bertholdt pushed the plate back towards Reiner and let out a wheezy breathe. "Please, I"m really not hungry."

The blond raised an eyebrow to his friend, but shrugged it off. "More for me." He stated, looking back at the screen. "Ah! Have you seen this movie??" Reiner asked, getting excited.

Bertholdt turned to the screen and read the title that was highlighted. "Django? What's that?"

"What's that?! Ohh, we're watching it, it's so good!" Reiner hit the play button and then kicked his feet up, leaning back in the couch. "It's about slavery and shit, it's great."

"Ooh, I think I've heard about this." Bertholdt responded, a slight memory of a trailer ringing a bell.

The movie started, and even though Bertholdt wasn't that big on action movies, he did find himself rather engulfed in the movie. Reiner was all about the movie, damn near freaking out over every line that Django would spit out. The dark haired man would find himself laughing more at Reiner's reaction's than anything else.There was more gore in it than Bertholdt would really be able to stomach so there were a couple times where he had to look away, or bury his face, while the blond would exclaim how awesome it was.

It was towards the end of the movie when Bertholdt felt a strong pain in his stomach. He curled up, trying to play it off as getting comfortable, but it just looked so awkward. His head felt foggy and his skin grew pale. He felt like he was about to pass out. Bertholdt put a hand to his head, his mouth began to salivate quickly and the whole room started to spin. Not now, no not here.

"Bertholdt...?" Reiner's voice broke in through all the mess, but he wasn't able to focus on it. His vision started to go black, and before he knew it, he had completely passed out.

He didn't know how long it had been until he came back to, but his stomach felt horrible. His head felt really light as well, he tried to sit up, but he just felt so comfortable lying wherever he was.

"Hey!" Reiner suddenly appeared in his line of vision, hovering over him. He looked worried. "You passed out man, you feeling alright?"

"...I..." Bertholdt groaned.

"When's the last time you ate, man?" Reiner asked holding out a hand to help the skinner man sit up. Bertholdt thought about the question, and he couldn't honestly give him an answer. The only time that popped into his head was actually the last time he hung out with Reiner, but he wasn't about to tell him that. "I think...yesterday..."

"Yesterday?? You said you ate before you came over. No wonder you passed out. Here." Reiner offered him a glass of water, and Bertholdt took it. He took a small sip of it and then looked up to the blond.

"How long as I out for?"

"Not even a minute. Still long enough to freak me out man. You just sort of fell over." Reiner chuckled. "For a second I thought you were trying to play off a really bad 'oops I feel asleep on you' type of thing, but yeah" Reiner chuckled at how red Bertholdt got.

"N-No" Bertholdt breathed, feeling embarrassed.

"Yeah, that would've been really bad if you had.. Anyway," Reiner straighted his back out, throwing his arms up to stretch. "I don't think pizza's something you want to eat after passing out, right? Or does that not matter?"

"I-I'm fine now.." Bertholdt stuttered. "The water helped."

Reiner cocked an eyebrow. He decided not to question him, but head towards the kitchen instead. "You like Bread? That's fine to have right?"

Bertholdt winced."Bread makes you fat.." He replied, more so to himself than anything.

Reiner turned back to his friend, a loaf of bread in his hand. "So? You look like you could use the weight, man. You're skinnier than a twig man."

Bertholdt bit his lip, his eyes landing on Reiner's hands. He watched as they fumbled with the twist-tie and pulled out a piece. His eyes widened as the hand extended towards him. No, it was gross, he wasn't going to eat that. "I-I don't want that."

"What? Bertholdt, you just passed out, you should really eat something." Reiner explained, completely taken away by how picky he was being. Bertholdt's heart slammed against his chest. He wanted to run out of the room, go home and forget about ever thinking about this.

He couldn't.

So instead, he took the piece of bread and held it. He slowly brought it towards his lips, taking a small bite out of it. It made him feel disgusting.

* * *

 

"No, no, see when you carry the number over, you have to take the rest of it with you, you can't leave it behind, otherwise it'll get you all screwed up." Levi pointed towards the problem on the paper, pointing out a specific number. "Then from there, you take from the two sides and then just condense it to the smallest number."

"Ahh..." Eren stared at the paper, raising an eyebrow as he tried to follow along with Levi. "But what happens to this number though?"

"You take it with you when you carry it over."

"...But.." Levi looked around his desk before sliding over to his pencil holder and grabbing a handful of them. "Alright, watch. See how these are pencils, and then these are pens? Pretend like the pens are the...." Eren looked at his teacher's hands as he went about explaining the problem to him. His vibrant teal eyes watched Levi's hands moving about. They looked beautiful, his thin fingers delicately holding the pencils, and his nails were spotless. The brunette bit his lip, staring at his thin wrist, and the detail of his veins running through his hands. Levi had his sleeves rolled back to his elbows, his forearms exposed as well. Eren couldn't help but stare at how the muscle shaped the way his forearm curved into his wrist and then extended out into his hands, he never thought he could be so attracted to a pair of hands before, but here he was eye fucking the shit out of them. "...So in the end you still have the pens here and pencils here. Got it?"

Eren blinked out of his trance and nodded. "Oh, uh yeah. I think I got it now, it makes sense."

"Good, now hand me all the assignments you've gotten down so far so I can put them in the system." Levi pushed himself away from his desk, and strolled over to his computer. He leaned over his keyboard, bringing up his grading book, and digging through the class list until he got the one he was looking for. Eren watched him for a moment before digging into his backpack and pulling out the few assignments he had finished. He walked over towards Levi and handed them to him. Levi set them down in front of him and then glanced over each one as he put in the grades. "You're still at a D." He commented, handing the papers back.

Eren groaned. "How? I've done like, a lot of these assignments already, I should at least be at a C, right?"

Levi shrugged. "Assignments aren't worth as much as tests... You bombed the last three we had, so it'll still be a few more assignments before you can dig yourself out of that."

Eren let out an irritated sigh as he walked back towards Levi's desk, taking a seat he had been in previously. Levi followed and then looked at his notes. "You're doing good enough now, you've been getting all the assignments done like I asked, and if anything, you might just be a bit ahead for now....Well, ahead at being behind I guess."

Eren nodded, looking at his list for the next assignment he had to work on. "I just want to get it all out of the way now..."

"Yeah, that'd be the best thing to do." Levi chuckled as he took a seat in his chair and leaned back, propping his ankle on his knee. "You got another bruise, I see..."

Eren rolled his eyes. "Don't remind me..."

"Your boyfriend again?"

"No, it was his friend actually." Eren commented, rubbing his cheek where Marco had punched him.

"What did you do to get his friend to punch you?" Levi inquired.

Eren just shrugged. "Pissed him off, I guess.." He trailed off, thinking back to when that whole incident had happened. He couldn't even really remember what he had said to Marco, just that he was furious, and before he knew it, he had completely blacked out. When he came to, he had a pounding headache, and it took a minute to realize it hadn't been a dream either. When he looked around, he noticed Marco had written on one of his notebooks. All it said was ' _Sorry, but you deserved it_.' He just threw it aside and went on with his day.

"Are you just a magnet for angry people, or something?"

Eren rolled his eyes to the comment. "I guess I'm just good at getting people angry, I don't know."

"Who's his friend?" Levi asked, really not sounding too interested in the conversation, but Eren could never really tell, even if he was.

"Marco." Eren commented.

Levi paused for a moment, his face going into deep thought. "...Bodt?"

Eren looked at him and nodded. "Yeah...How do you know him?"

"He's in one of my classes... He's a good kid, how'd you manage to piss him off?"

The remark made Eren roll his eyes. Levi just raised an eyebrow. "He's got a crush on Jean." Eren looked down at his assignment and started writing out the first problem.

His teacher just chuckled and rolled his eyes. "You're such a drama queen, Eren."

"What? I am not!"

Levi leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. "Oh please. I might not talk to my students much, but you've got your relationship problem with.. Jean or whoever, and now there's this kid that likes your man and you get defensive about it, when you don't even want to date the guy in the first place."

"I never said that..."

"You might as well have." Levi commented. "Eren, It really just sounds like one big unhealthy mess, you should really make up your mind."

"What are you, my marriage counselor?" Eren snapped.

"I might as well be. You don't know what the fuck you're doing anyway." Eren just stared at his teacher. He knew he didn't love Jean anymore, in fact, he would even say that he didn't even want to be his friend at this point. The obvious decision would be to just break up with him, but Eren just couldn't bring it in himself to do it. He knew it was gonna hurt, and he knew Jean would hurt the most. Even if, by some chance Jean didn't like Eren anymore, just the concept of being dumped hurts.

The brunette looked back towards his teacher, his eyes staring at his thin and toned body. His shoulders were rounded with muscle and just from the lose button around his neck, Eren could see that despite how small he was, he had a well toned body. His face went red for a moment as he turned away. Sometimes he didn't understand himself. He couldn't, for the life of him, decide on how to break up with his boyfriend, but he was about 100% certain that he wanted to fuck his teacher.


	5. Chapter 5

Silence.

It really was a blessing to have every now and again, especially with a big test coming up. Flipping through page after page, and re-reading line after line from a text book, it helped make it easier when there weren't a pair of idiots screaming at each other over a goddamn sandwich.

"Nn..." Armin chewed mercilessly at the end of his pen. His blue eyes scanned over words from the book that was sprawled out in front of him, his whole being completely absorbed in his studies. The sound of the front door cracked into his concentration, but just barely. The blond slid his finger under the next page, his eyes scanning the last few words before he flipped it and continued reading.

Light footsteps were heard pattering around outside of his door, most likely towards the bathroom, he assumed. Armin continued studying away, taking the pen from his mouth and placing it on the sentence his eyes had captured. After re-reading it, he jotted down a quick note and then moved on to the next paragraph.

There was a flush of the toilet, and a pause before the soft foots steps made it's way towards his room. The pen had been returned to his lips, his brain soaking up as much information as it could at the moment. He already knew most of the details he was reading about, but he didn't want to risk missing anything that might have ended up being on his test. Even he was currently in a deep concentration, the sound of his roommate wandering around their dorm was still able to distract him from studying. Armin subconsciously found himself counting down the seconds before a loud commotion would erupt and he would have to jump out of his studies to stop it. His concentration dwindled down to a bare minimum as he strained his ears to listen for any noise outside of his room.

From what he heard earlier, Jean was going out to spend the day with Marco or Eren, one of the two, he wasn't entirely sure. Regardless of who he spent time with, Jean almost always came home in an angry mood nowadays. So much to the point that Armin was trained to expect it already. If he hung out with Eren, there was always something about a fight that the two got into because of something stupid. If he decided to hang out with Marco, somehow they would still end up fighting over the phone or through a text message of some sort. It was just beyond ridiculous at this point.

After Armin's inner count down had already hit zero and found it's way further in the negatives, he couldn't help put pull his head away from his book entirely. He raised an eyebrow, still wondering if he had just missed the obvious signal that Jean was mad. There was no door slam, there wasn't any mumbling under his breath going on, and random objects weren't being thrown about in a less than gentle way.

So, could it possibly be that Jean actually, for once, wasn't mad? Armin bookmarked his page and then scooted away from his desk, deciding on seeing just what might have happened to keep Jean from wrecking the place. The blond pulled his door open and glanced down the hallway. No random noises so far.. In fact he think he heard Jean whistling.

"Jean?" Armin called out, walking down the hallway. He looked in the living room and saw his dorm partner sitting on the couch, hands behind his head, and a smile on his face. Despite the fact that Armin sometimes thought of Jean as an asshole, he was still glad to see his friend in such a good mood. "What's got you all giddy?" He asked.

Jean turned his attention towards Armin. "Hey!" He smiled. "Ah, I just came back from Eren's. I mean, I wasn't there that long - but like-" Jean shifted from his position on the couch, leaning forward now, with his elbows resting on his knees. "-We didn't fight! I mean, he tried to, but like- Marco was there and, it was just-" Jean struggled with trying to find the right words. There was a bright smile on his face, his eyes full of happiness currently. It had been a long time that Jean had ever looked like that and it was a nice difference. His eyes shifted downward as a blush crept over his face. "Well..It was just weird.. I had that feeling again.. Like how it used to be, you know?"

"Between...?" Armin questioned, resting against the wall as he listened to his friend. "You and Marco...? Or Eren?"

"What kind of question is that? Eren, why would I feel anything towards Marco?" Jean chuckled. "I meant like, when we first started dating." The blond's face didn't change at all, he just wore a blank expression. He wanted to call bullshit on him, but that was a different thing entirely. Besides, the same probably could've been said about how Eren and Armin were before the two dated, so he guessed he probably shouldn't judge. Can't be close to someone with out being mistaken for their significant other, right? "I tried to get him to talk to me, but he wouldn't.. So I just gave up on it.. And it seemed like the anger just kind of vanished between us, you know?"

"Mm," Armin hummed, crossing his arms. "That definitely sounds a lot healthier than your previous attempts at communication."

"Shut the fuck up, man." Jean rolled his eyes. "I'm stubborn, I get it."

"Nah, the two of you are both equally stubborn." Armin chuckled.

"Regardless." Jean continued, holding out a hand as if to stop him from saying anything else. "I think it went really well, and I bet if I'm just patient enough, he'll finally open up to me and we'll be fight-free like before."

"Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it." The blond grinned. "I'm glad you were mature about it. Eren's got some of his own problems, letting him sort it out first is the best thing to do." Jean nodded in agreement.

"Yeah..Just gotta learn to keep my mouth shut... I should just keep Marco at my side at all times, shouldn't I?" He joked, smile still on his face.

"Is that why he was there with you?" Armin's face dropped a bit. If Jean had ever been oblivious to something as much as he was stubborn his relationship with Marco definitely took the cake. Literally _everyone_ could tell that Marco was head over heels about Jean, _except_ for Jean. Hell, people had even tried to tell the idiot and he just waved it off every single time as " _We're just really close._ " Armin questioned whether Jean really didn't see it, or just ignored the hell out of it for his own comfort.

Regardless of what it was, it definitely wasn't fair to Marco. "Ah, yeah, I asked him to come so he'd cut me off, from being an ass and fighting again." Jean let out a sigh. "I really don't mean to alway fight him, but goddamn.. At least with Marco there, it made things better.. It's weird, but he always helps me stay pretty calm.."

"Probably because he's a pretty calm person himself." Jean just shrugged in response. "But really though, I wouldn't drag Marco around like that."

"Why's that? He's always nagging me to hang out anyway." The darker haired man questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Completely oblivious. "You amaze me sometimes..." Armin rolled his eyes and then pushed himself off of the wall.

"What? Why? Armin!" Jean stood up from his spot ready to go after the blond, but Armin stopped and just stared at his friend. "Think of it like this," He paused for a moment, putting a finger to his lips in contemplation. "How would you like to be dragged around by Marco, to go and spend time with...say.. Bertholdt?"

Jean scrunched his eyebrows together. "Wait, are those two dating?"

Armin just let out a sigh, letting his hands drop to his side. "Just.. Nevermind, Jean.. Nevermind..." On that note, Armin turned on his heel and walked backed towards his room. He kind of wished he never left his room in the first place, his studies were going so good until he decided to talk to Jean.

* * *

Sometimes, getting through the day seemed like a lifelong journey to him. Sometimes, it felt like being placed on a conveyor belt and doing nothing but staring at the black strip that pulled him forward. On certain days it felt like falling from a building still couldn't keep the numbness in his veins from going anywhere. It often felt like his whole world around him was put on pause and he was left to wander in between all the frozen action. His brain always felt clouded, his veins felt empty, and his passion for anything completely void.

This was one of those unbearable days.

Marco laid in his bed, lights off and completely motionless. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling, and his arms were sprawled out across the sheets. He couldn't even say that it was only sometimes. He always felt like this. Some days he was just better at tucking it away and ignoring it. Unfortunately, he just couldn't keep it bottled up on this night. His thoughts were spiraling downward into a completely hopeless mess. He couldn't help himself from thinking the way he did, no matter how hard he tried.

No one cared. No one would ever care. He didn't even care, so who would actually give a shit about him? His heart pumped weakly, delivering a sharp pain through his system each time. It was hard to explain the feelings he had, trying to think of the right words so someone would understand what he was going through felt impossible. It was probably why he always kept it bottled up.

Marco couldn't stop replaying the scene with Eren in his head over and over again. He felt embarrassed by his actions, and he wished he could've taken back what he did. Eren was right. He knew it too, Jean wouldn't ever love him. Why would he? How could Marco even begin to think it was okay to even think about Jean romantically? How could Jean even stand him as it was?

He probably didn't even like him as a friend to begin with..

It was why Jean always blew him off, right? It was why every time they did hang out, Eren would always end up in the mix somehow, or Marco would be dropped off sooner than they originally planned just so he could spend time with his boyfriend. It was because Jean never actually wanted to spend time with him in the first place, he probably just pitied him.

Before he registered it, Marco was crying. It wasn't heavy, but the tears had fallen, and were rolling down the sides of his face. He felt the warmth trickle towards his ears, soaking his hair on the way. The freckled man choked back a sob and then turned on his side, wiping his tears away.

A second later, he heard the sound of the door burst open. He didn't even flinch. There was some shuffling going about, a loud cry coming out from his roommate's mouth as he fumbled around inside. Bertholdt didn't even bother turning on a single light, he just ran straight for the bathroom, tears staining his face. It was bad this time, and Marco knew it. He didn't even have to listen for the first gag, he could tell that was why his roommate was running so fast to the bathroom.

A moment later and his guess was confirmed. Marco shut his eyes, pulling himself into a ball, and trying to block out the noises. The flow of tears thickened, his heart taking a painful tug on his emotions.

 _'Help him.'_ The freckled man screamed at himself. _'He needs you, go help him! He needs you!'_ The sound of another gag echoed through his mind, but he just couldn't find the strength to pull himself up. His friend sobbed loudly, screaming to himself about being wrong and stupid, aiming for some kind of outlet.

Marco's throat felt thick, but he couldn't listen to it anymore. He couldn't let himself feel like more of a piece of shit than he already is. He turned his head towards his door, slowly deciding on sending the signal to the rest of his body to move. With a slow movement, he finally pulled himself out of his bed and then tumbled towards the bathroom. Bertholdt hadn't even closed the door, it was wide open, his body wrapped around the toilet bowl, and his fingers clutching to the side as his head hung over it. Marco couldn't even find any words, his whole body just collapsed next to his roommates.

Bertholdt jolted upwards, his eyes widening when he felt Marco's body fall next to his. He turned to face him, his stomach in a tight knot. Marco pulled Bertholdt's arms away from the toilet and shifted his body into the taller mans. He buried his face in his shoulder, his arms wrapped tightly around Bertholdt. The action surprised him, but what was even more surprising was the seeing Marco crying.

Why...?

"..I don't...." Marco's voice cracked. "I don't want to live anymore...."

 


	6. Chapter 6

Levi stood in front of his chalk board, a piece of chalk in one hand, and his planner in the other. His eyes scanned over the small notebook in his palm before he pressed the chalk to the board. He was currently scribbling out the plan for the next class he had, going over in his head if their previous session had gotten as far as he hoped it did. The shorter man thought he heard the door squeak open, but he didn't turn to look until he heard the sound of a bag drop next to his desk.

  
When his eyes met his student's, he definitely wasn't prepared for it. Eren stood there staring at him, his face full of tears, and his shoulders shaking. "...." Levi set the piece of chalk down on it's holder, and just waited for Eren to say something.

  
"L-Levi.." He choked out. For a moment, Levi thought this was some kind of test. He quickly peeked at the door behind Eren, but there weren't any signals to confirm it. Unsure of what to do, Levi just walked towards Eren, setting his planner down on the desk.

  
"What're you cryin-" He was cut off when Eren threw his arms around his teacher, burying his head into Levi's shoulder.

  
"I-I just-- I needed to talk to s-someone." The brunette barely spat out. Levi felt his skin crawl with the contact, every nerve in his body telling him to shove the kid off of him, but that was just too cruel. Instead, Levi opted for gently placing his hands on Eren's shoulders and pulling him back.

  
His eyes scanned around his classroom for a moment until they locked onto his back room. He felt panic run through him at the scene right now. He didn't want some faculty member walking by and getting the wrong idea, but this happened all the time right? Students always came crying to their teachers, did'nt they?

  
He figured it was unlikely so he took his chances and then nodded towards the back room. "C'mon, we'll talk in there." Levi went ahead first, his mind still racing with panic over the idea that someone might see and take it the wrong way. He never thought he would ever have a fear of losing his job, but his biggest fear was what kind of word would get around if someone did spread misinformation.

  
Levi looked down at Eren as he walked into the back room. He wiped away the tears on his face and then just stood awkwardly, waiting for Levi.

  
Why was he thinking like this anyway? Eren was crying, not trying to fuck him. How could anyone get the wrong idea out of something like that?

  
The teacher quietly closed the door behind him and then brought his gaze towards his student. "Hey..." He breathed out, grabbing Eren's attention. "Take a deep breath through your nose." Eren nodded, making an attempt to do as he said, but his breath would sputter from crying. After doing it enough times, the brunette managed to calm down enough. Levi wasn't sure what to do with himself, so he just leaned against the door, his arms crossed. "Now..What's wrong?"

  
Eren felt a sob ready to come out, but he pushed it away. "I..I'm...such a piece of shit.."

  
"Over?" Levi wasn't the best person to come to when it came to this sort of thing. In fact he was probably one of the worst people to come to, since he had an act for making everyone usually feel worse about themselves.

  
"Everything." Eren breathed, slumping back against the wall. He wiped his face again, and sniffled. "I can't do it. I can't break up with him." Levi let out a sigh and turned his head away from the brunette. He didn't really have the time to act as his relationship counselor, but for some reason, he felt like it was okay to do it for Eren. "And on top of that, when I decide I want to talk to someone about it, the only option I have is a fucking teacher."

  
"Better than nothing." Levi remarked.

  
A tiny smile spread out on Eren's lips, his face looking soft and gentle. His eyes were so innocent and calm. It was a weird feeling, but Levi didn't actually like to see Eren hurting like this. "Yeah..." The brunette breathed. "I can't believe this is so hard to do.."

  
"What's making it so hard for you?" Levi asked, taking a step away from the door. Eren felt the urge to want to shift towards his teacher, but he held it back.

  
"He's still so happy around me. He wants to make me happy again, and I just can't do that to him.." Eren turned his head to look at his teacher, deciding to go for that urge he had a moment ago. He slid his body off of the wall, and took a step towards Levi, reaching his arms out. "That...and..."

  
Levi had just assumed that Eren was going to go for another hug, but his mind had completely stopped when something else happened. Eren had pressed his lips into Levi's.

  
The brunette brought his hands up to cup Levi's face, pressing harder against his teachers lips in hopes to get a reaction.  
For a long moment, Levi didn't move. His brain had completely stopped functioning. The feeling of Eren's finger tips around his neck made his skin crawl, and his soft lips flickering off of his made his stomach turn. Levi finally came back from his minor shock, and immediately pulled Eren's hands away from him, breaking their kiss and pushing him away.

  
The brunette held a look of rejection on his face, but he quickly hid it. "I-"

  
"Leave." Levi had barely breathed the words, but they were sharp nonetheless.

  
"Levi, this isn'-"

  
"Leave." He reinforced, taking a step to the side to allow Eren to direct himself out.

  
Eren gave up on trying to say anything. He hesitated before letting out a sigh and walking out.

  
Levi was left standing there, completely confused. He slowly brought his finger tips to his lips and brushed along them. He was just kissed.  
By his own student.

 

* * *

 

A painful cramp and a few sore joints was all it took to wake Bertholdt. His eyes fluttered open, a weight on his chest that he wasn't used to. His mind hadn't quite booted up yet, but his eyes took in the image of the bathroom. His eyes were burning and felt almost sticky.  
That was right. He had been crying. And then Marco-

  
"-Marco!" Bertholdt jolted up, his eyes wide and panic running through him. Glancing down at the heavy weight on top of him, the panic subsided. He was still here, he had fallen asleep with him last night in here. Bertholdt's throat felt sore, and he concluded that it was probably due to all of the puking he did last night. His eyes landed on his shorter friend and he felt his heart sink.

  
He had promised..

  
Bertholdt ignored the pain in his throat and then used his long arms to pull his friend closer against him. He hugged him, Marco's head just under Bertholdt's chin. "..I-I'm sorry.." He breathed, feeling his eyes water.

  
The body under him finally started to move, Marco waking up in a similar manner to him. His eyes fluttered open as he stared up at the man in front of him. He felt the warmth of someone's embrace, and his heart had tricked him into thinking that it might have actually of been Jean.

Of course it wasn't.

  
Bertholdt loosened his grip slightly around Marco, but he didn't stop hugging him. " I shouldn't have promised.. I should've..."

  
"Sh..." Marco hushed, turning his head to the side and listening to Bertholdt's heart beat. "I get it.."

  
"..." Bertholdt blinked away the tears that were getting ready to fall, and just continued to hold their embrace. He felt Marco's hands wrap around his back and a small smile broke out on his lips.

  
"Bertholdt...." His eyes shot to his freckled friend, swearing that if he had asked him for anything else, he would do it without hesitating. "Can...Can you let me just pretend?"

"...Pretend....?" Bertholdt breathed, a look of confusion on his face. Marco lifted his head and stared into the darker eyes watching him.

  
"Yeah...." Marco began to pull his body upward, bringing his face closer to Bertholdt's. "Just let me..." He closed his eyes as he leaned in closer, his nose brushing against the taller man's. He didn't finish his sentence as he lightly pressed his lips against the pair in front of his.

  
Bertholdt felt panic run through his body, his heart racing as he slowly pieced together what Marco was asking of him. How? How could Marco even pretend he was something as beautiful looking as Jean? Bertholdt was hideous. He was gross, and he always ate too much. His stomach was flabby and disgusting, how could Marco think that Jean's would be anything in comparison to his?

  
Despite all of those thoughts, Bertholdt still leaned into the kiss. Their lips flickered off one another's like a flame, the warmth of the embrace sparking a wave of electricity between the two. Bertholdt closed his eyes, mimicking Marco's rhythm. He couldn't help but wonder to himself, would Reiner kiss anything like this...?

  
He felt his face flush to the image of the blond kissing him this way, a shock of want running through his body.

  
Their kiss broke for a moment, Marco's voice breaking into Bertholdt's fantasy. "..Jean...." He breathed, his eyes still closed as he hovered his face inches away from Bertholdt's. His expression completely changed, contorting into one of pain. " J-Jean..." He cried, a single tear breaking through. "Why...?"

  
"Marco..." Bertholdt pulled his hands away from their hug and instead placed them on his shoulders. "....I..." He paused, contemplating what it was he wanted to say. Marco's eyes opened and stared at him, waiting for his response. "...I don't want you to hurt. I don't want you to feel so much pain... If-..If I hurt, that's okay. If I'm in pain, it's all okay. And that's because... it's my pain that I'm holding on to... and it's my pain that I get to feel. This is my problem that I have, and I know..." He stopped for a moment, biting his lip. "I'm a hypocrite....What you said...last night..." His voice dropped down into a whisper, his head hanging low. "I don't want to live either...." His words hung in the air for a while, Marco wiping his tears as his eyes hung on to every word that he said. "But...For you I can. So.." Bertholdt brought his gaze to meet Marco's and then took his hand off of his friend's shoulder. He bawled his hand into a fist, leaving only his pinky extended. "...I go when you go."

  
"Bertholdt..." Marco exhaled. "Don't say-"

  
"-S-stop!" Bertholdt cut him off. " I know, alright? I know..." His pinky still hung in the air. "It's not fair to you, but it's not fair to me either, okay? That's why I want to make this promise. I'm only going to be here if you are, and if you decide you can't handle it any longer, I'm following you..."

  
"So...live.. For each other..." Marco looked down at the pinky extended towards him. He stopped hesitating and quickly entangled his pinky with Bertholdt's. "I get it..." He mumbled. "Bertholdt, I.."

  
The taller of the two pulled his roommate back into a hug. Marco hugged back, biting his lip to keep from crying again. He was sick of crying. "..I know.. People always say that everyone gets stuck in this dark time in their life.. But.. I've been here for so long..." He let out a sigh. "It's been so dark, I can't remember what any other feeling might have felt like.. But.. Bertholdt..." Bertholdt's grip around Marco tightened when he heard his name. "It might not be any brighter, but at least I'm not alone in the dark...Thank you..." A smile spread across his lips as he remembered their kiss from a moment ago. "And thank you..for letting me pretend."

  
Bertholdt's face went red, as the ghost of Marco's lips glided over his own in his memory. "D-did you....want to keep pretending...?" It was a weird thing to ask and probably not a very healthy thing either, but Marco nodded. The two pulled away from one another and found themselves inches away from each other's lips yet again. Marco stared at Bertholdt's lips, before they both closed their eyes and closed in on each other. The two let their lips bounce off one another's as their minds pulled them into a fantasy world with the ones they were in love with.

  
It was a beautiful world, one where beauty existed in everyone and pain wasn't real. There was confidence and happiness, healthy bodies and healthy minds, and it was completely surrounded by love. Problems weren't real, and pressure was only used when talking about the weight on objects, not the weight on the mind. Everything was perfect, and full of light.

  
Even if it wasn't the real thing, it was still more satisfying than nothing.


	7. Chapter 7

Erwin sat at his desk, his eyes staring absentmindedly out the window of his classroom. His face was empty of any kind of emotion, and his eyes seemed to be in deep thought. The classroom didn't have a soul in it, his last class for the day had gotten out not even an hour ago. He had stayed after to grade some of the papers that were slowly piling up, but his mind just wasn't able to focus on it.

  
His thoughts were drifting back and forth, his eyes focused on nothing in particular. A knock on the door pulled his thoughts away from it, and his gaze towards his doorway. His heart sank slightly when he was met with the principal of the school. "Mr. Balto, sir.." Erwin greeted.

  
The heavier set man stepped in, an envelope under his arm. "Greetings, Erwin. You remember what we talked about last time, correct?"

  
"Of course." Erwin straightened his posture, watching his boss lean against one of the desks that were in front of him. He didn't even hesitate to go right into a conversation. It was like he literally picked up where the two had left off the last time they spoke.

  
"After that teacher got arrested, The school district's been in a bit of a mess. They've been calling me everyday about getting them a teacher down there, you know." The older man chuckled.

  
"I still don't think sending Levi down there is a good idea..." Erwin stated, cutting straight to the chase.

  
"I fail to see your point, Erwin, we've got about another week to get back to them, and I have to say, Levi is probably the best pick.. Unless you want to go and teach math?"

  
Erwin kept a straight face as he stared at Mr. Balto. "...I'm a history major." He stated. "Besides, Levi is one of our better Math teachers, he has the lowest percentage of failing students out of any of the other math teachers, and during finals, his students bring in the highest grades, and you want to fire that?" Erwin's eyes contorted into one of disbelief. "You even showed me yourself, without Levi, our math department wouldn't be as successful as it is."

  
"Levi's also the highest paid math teacher, he's just the first choice to go." The principal shrugged his shoulders and chuckled. "We can save more money by just hiring a new teacher instead of keeping him. And it's not like he's completely out of a job, he'll just be going to another school, and get a bit of a pay cut."

  
Erwin let out a sigh, feeling frustrated. "Won't we lose money in the long run if suddenly the math departments grades just plummet?" "Erwin, you're not giving your co-workers enough credit. Levi's just easily replaceable, I'm sorry." Mr. Balto cleared his throat and then pulled the envelope out from under his arm. "Anyway, the decision has already been made, there's no reason for us to keep him, so here," He handed the manila envelope over to Erwin, who took it with a sour look on his face. "I figured a close friend should be the one to give him that, and I'll see him in my office in a week." With a nod, the chubby man turned on his heel and walked out.

  
Erwin's shoulders caved in, his mind heavy. He let out a sigh and dropped his head into his hands, running his fingers through what used to be neatly combed blond hair. The envelope laid on top of his stack of ungraded work, Erwin trying to push the thought into the back of his mind.

  
He knew now that he would have to win his bet with Levi before the week was up.

* * *

 

"I gotta say, I'm pretty surprised you're not off hanging out with your boyfriend. I can't believe you were actually free today."

  
"Shut it, Jean." Jean chuckled at his broader friend, shoving his hands into his hoodie pocket. He looked at the blond while the two made their way into his apartment, getting ready to kick back and play some games. "You know, shouldn't I be throwing that line at you? You're the one who actually has a boyfriend, man."

  
Jean shrugged. "I think I spend less time with Eren than you do with Bertholdt." Jean quirked an eyebrow at Reiner. "Now that I say that, it does sound kind of suspicious."

  
Reiner rolled his eyes as the two approached their door. He pulled out a pair of keys and played with them for a minute. After finding the appropriate key, he stuck it into the lock and pulled open the door. The two stepped inside, Jean immediately tossing his bag against the wall, and next to the door. "If being in a relationship was determined by how much time we hung out with people, I'm pretty sure you take the cake with Marco."

  
"Marco?" Jean laughed, raising an eyebrow. "Dude, I've known him since we were kids, he doesn't count."

  
"Yeah, whatever." Reiner tossed his keys onto the coffee table and then threw his body onto the couch, taking a controller with him. "Cock o' duty?" the blond joked.

"Eh, I'm kind of sick of Call of duty man. What else you got?" Jean made his way around towards the entertainment stand and browsed over the games that the blond had collected. "Boderlands?" Jean suggested.

  
Reiner shook his head. "The disc doesn't work."

  
"Halo?"

  
"Eh.."

  
"Yeah, I don't really want to play it either..." Jean went through another row of games before a smile cracked on his lips. "Oooh, hey, what about this game? I forgot all about it, it used to be my favorite man." He held up the case for Reiner to see.

"Left for dead?" Reiner shrugged. "Actually yeah, that sounds pretty fun, put it in."

  
Jean cracked the case open and then gently fingered the disc as he put it in the disc tray of Reiner's xbox. He then grabbed a second controller and joined his friend on the couch.

  
The two had played for a couple of hours, screaming at each other as they got pummeled to death by zombies time after time. Jean always tried to play it tough, but for the most part, Reiner ended up being the one to save Jean's ass during the missions. There was one time specifically towards the end of their session, that Jean thought it would be funny to try and fight the witch. When the sound of the witch's crying came up, Jean used his character to go running for it, leaving Reiner to shout at him not to do it. The smaller of the two ended up running right up to the damn thing and attacking it only to be killed instantly. Reiner shouted a slur of cuss words as he attempted to not die and heal his fallen comrade, while Jean ended up laughing so hard, he fell off the couch.

  
After the hysteria from Jean's idiotic decision died down, the two shut off the game system and sat in silence for a second. Jean had a hard time breathing from laughing so hard, so now that he gained a pair of abs, he was catching his breath. He let out a sigh, smiling. "This is nice..."

  
Reiner turned to him, cocking an eyebrow at him. "I'm glad you find that funny, I don't think I ever want to play with you again."  
Jean almost found himself in a fit of laughter again, but he held it back. "No, no, just this. Hanging out, not having any drama to deal with, getting your friend murdered by a crazy bitch, it's great!"

  
Reiner shook his head, a chuckle escaping his lips. "Jesus Jean, you act like you've got more drama than a preteen."  
"Man you don't even know the shit that I've had to deal with recently. I swear, if men had periods like how most women do, that's what Eren would be right now."

  
"...Cramping up really bad...?" Reiner questioned.

  
"No! Being really touchy about everything. And not fucking telling me what." Jean threw himself back into the couch, crossing his arms and slouching. "I just gave up on him for now. Hopefully he'll just come around and tell me what the hell I'm doing to piss him off so much."

  
"I'd get pissed off too if I had to look at your face all day." Reiner remarked.

  
Jean shot him a look. "Yeah? How's your sex life doing? Oh that's right, it's non existent."

  
"At least I'm not in a relationship and still not getting any."

  
Jean felt his anger rise up. There was a miniature war that had just started between the two of them. "At least it hasn't taken me years to get into my crush's pants."

  
"Dude, where do you even get that I have a crush on Bertholdt?"

  
There was a silence in the air before Reiner brought his hand to his face and slapped himself. Jean let out a loud laugh.

  
"I don't recall stating any name, Reiner."

  
"Shut it." Reiner's face went red for a moment, mentally hating himself.

  
"I'm curious though, what was going to be the list of reasons as to how you didn't have a crush on him?" Jean leaned in towards the blond. "Hanging out with him all the time? Texting all the time? Probably blowing each other by now, eh?"

  
"Fuck Jean, leave it alone, alright?" Reiner let out a sigh, standing up and heading towards the kitchen. "The guy's got his own thing going on, none of that stuff's happening."

  
"Wait." Jean suddenly grew a very serious tone. "Are him and Marco actually dating?"

  
"What?" Reiner asked, stopping in his tracks and looking back at his friend.

  
"I thought about it the other day, but I figured Marco would've told me." Jean shrugged his shoulders. "I guess I wouldn't blame him, Bertholdt's kind of..-"

  
"Kind of what?"

 

Jean jolted to Reiner's shift in tone. "A-ah, nothing,.. He's just..got his own thing going on.. Like you said."

  
"What do you mean?" Reiner asked, standing between the kitchen entrance and the couch Jean was sitting at.

  
"Just forget about it, they're probably not dating."

  
Reiner completely neglected what he had gotten up for and moved in towards Jean. "Kirschstein, you know something, I can read it on your damn face."

  
"It's not my business to say anything about it, back off." Jean snapped back.

  
Reiner held his gaze. "At least tell me if it's something I should be worried about."

  
"..." Jean was quiet, biting his tongue. "Why don't you take a good look at him next time you see him, and maybe you can figure it out."

  
Reiner stopped. The two were silent, Jean turning his gaze to focus on something else. The blond let out a sigh, and then returned to what he had originally gotten up for. "Did you want something to eat? There's some left over pizza..."

  
Jean looked up at the bigger man and sighed, the little bit of tension in the air completely disappearing now. "Sure.." Reiner walked out of sight, shuffling about in the kitchen. The smaller of the two looked at the game case that they had just finished playing and read over the details of the back. His eyes took in the art work, before landing on the amount of players allowed. "Hey Reiner..."

  
"What?" The taller man responded, the sound of a microwave humming along with it.

  
"Why don't we invite Bertholdt and Marco over to play?"

* * *

 

"GODDAMMIT MARCO PRESS X"

 

"I AM PRESSING X"

  
"NOT THE PLAYSTATION X- UGH CIRCLE, PRESS CIRCLE!"

  
"AHH!" Bertholdt yelped, holding his controller closer to him. "T-There's a smoker on me!"

  
"Oh my-" Reiner let out a huff, mashing the buttons on his controller. "We are literally RIGHT NEXT TO THE FINISH POINT." Reiner's character ran up to Bertholdt's rescuing it from the hold of the smoker's.

  
"MARCO YOU JUST FUCKING DIED." Jean yelled, throwing his head back for a moment. "ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS JUMP UP!"

  
"SHUT UP I THOUGHT 'A' WAS 'X'!" Marco turned to face Jean, nudging him in the arm with his elbow. "Can you at least heal me?"

  
Jean grumbled under his breath. "Are you gonna jump this time?" He healed up Marco's character and Marco ended up getting the control right and jumped up the obstacle and followed Jean.

  
The sound of the witch's cry echoed through the game. Reiner immediately turned to Jean. "Jean I swear to God! Don't you fucking dare!" Jean chuckled, running through zombies with Marco following close behind him. There was a loud roar that sounded soon after and Reiner and Jean tensed up.

  
"TANK!" The two yelled in unison. Bertholdt's face was full of confusion, and Marco found himself scared shitless over what the fuck a tank could've been. Not even a second later, a large mutated zombie came thrashing through and knocked Reiner's character flying, killing it instantly.

  
"Shit, shit, shit!" Jean mumbled to himself as he ran after Reiner's character. "I GOT YOU-" Before he could finish his sentence, his character got pummeled by the tank. "AH GOD DAMMIT!" He shouted, mashing a bunch of buttons in a last minute hope to somehow kill it. Marco was shooting at it now, which immediately grabbed the beast's attention.

  
"Ahhhh!" Marco whined, throwing a pipe bomb at it. He began shooting at it again, running away from it at the same time.  
Bertholdt's character went running towards Reiner and Jean, trying to heal them while Marco distracted it.

  
"AHH I'M GONNA DIE!" Marco shouted, just barely missing an attack from the tank.

  
"COME ON BERT, HEAL ME." Reiner yelled as Bertholdt came up closer to him.

  
"AHHH! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!" Bertholdt yelled as he attempted to not get killed. The sound of the witch's cry grew louder as Marco moved away from the tank. Marco stopped moving to shoot at it and it charged towards him in the same moment, blasting his character back, and into some object. The caption _"You startled the witch!_ " Popped up on Marco's screen, along with the ear piercing scream.

  
"NO!" Marco yelled, his character immediately falling over. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? IT THREW ME INTO THE WITCH, IS THAT EVEN REAL?"

  
Jean started laughing at him, while the tank and witch moved onto their last target. Bertholdt let out a shaky breath as he began to heal Reiner's character. He groaned in a panic as the two creatures both charged at him, at the same time Reiner was finally healed. Just as Reiner's character got on his feet, him and Bertholdt were both killed instantly. The four of them groaned in unison, Jean tossing his controller to the side.

  
"WE WERE RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THERE!" Reiner exclaimed.

  
Bertholdt let out a breath, setting the controller next to him. "Sorry, I haven't played this before."

  
"Nah it's cool, we probably would've lived if Marco could've fucking pressed X."

  
"Jean, I swear to god, I will shove this controller so far up your ass, you're going to have to press the X button to fucking shit." Marco remarked.

  
The four of them all bickered about what they could've done differently, deciding to wait a little before starting up a new round. Reiner rested his head back into the couch, his eyes glancing over at the clock. "It's getting late, which one of us is gonna drop the dorks off?"  
Jean shrugged. "I'm cool with it if you want to chill out here. I can just drop them off on my way back home."

  
Marco and Bertholdt exchanged a look. "Ah, we can just walk, you don't have to take us."

  
"Yeah, we walked here anyway." Bertholdt added.

  
"No offense, but with how late it is, you guys probably wouldn't make it back. The two of you are hardly intimidating at all." Jean stated. "I mean, I bet if someone did attack you two, you'd both apologize for inconveniencing them."

  
"In that case, yeah, drive us home then." Marco responded with, sounding a little offended. Jean chuckled to his tone and turned to Reiner and Bertholdt.

  
"Well, I've got some time before I gotta go, so whenever you're sick of us, just kick us out."

  
"I can't just send you out?" Reiner retorted, getting a laugh from everyone but Jean. The four of them continued to talk for a while longer, getting on subjects that were popular in the news, along with talking about moral values, and then to just stupid stuff about movies and people. It didn't seem like that much time had passed, but it was already pretty late before they knew it. Jean made a comment about the time and Reiner had finally suggested that they should probably leave. They all said their goodbye's to Reiner and the three then headed towards the door.

  
"This was a lot of fun, we should do this again sometime." Jean stated. Marco and Bertholdt both agreed and Reiner smiled.

  
"I'm almost always free, just text me when you guys are." They nodded and Jean gave a wave.

  
"Time to go back home and hope I don't have a million missed calls from the beast now." He looked at Reiner. "Oh, and text me later about what we talked about earlier." His words didn't click immediately, but when they did, Reiner couldn't help but to take a quick glance at Bertholdt, staring at his figure for a short second and then back to Jean. His heart skipped with the thought of what it might have been. He think he already knew the answer to it, and he didn't want to hear it from Jean either.


	8. Chapter 8

"Thanks again for the ride, Jean" Marco said gratefully. He was leaning down beside Jean's driver side window, Bertholdt waiting by the door to the building. Jean just gave him a nod.

  
"Hey, when are you free next?" He asked.

  
Marco blinked. "Uh, I'm not sure, tomorrow, I think." He thought for a second and then shrugged. "Idunno, just text me when you're free and I'll let you know."

  
"Alright, I might be busy tomorrow, gotta stuff a week's worth of studying in that day for my psychology class."

  
"That was smart, huh?"

  
"I forgot about it." Jean waved a hand in the air, glancing back at Bertholdt as he played with the ends of his sleeves. "I'm gonna get going now though, I'll call you up over the weekend or something."

  
"Alright." Marco smiled and then stepped away from the car, giving a wave as Jean pulled out of the parking lot. He let out a sigh and then turned towards Bertholdt. "Sorry!" He apologized, running up to him.

  
Bertholdt smiled, turning and opening the door for the both of them. "It's alright," He walked in after Marco and followed him up the stairs towards their dorm room. "What was he talking to you about?"

  
"Hanging out." A smile forced its way on Marco's lips, his heart fluttering. "It almost feels like old times, sort of."

  
The two made their way back into their dorm, Marco tossing his jacket on their table and heading towards his room. "You going to bed?" He asked his taller friend.

  
Bertholdt shrugged, standing awkwardly. "I-I don't know, I was probably just going to.. Draw or something."

  
Marco stared at his friend, looking at his thin frame. His arms were long and frail, his skin wrapping tightly to the bones that stuck out at each joint. If he didn't wear long sleeves all the time, it would probably be disturbingly obvious how little Bertholdt ate. Marco wasn't even sure how long Bertholdt had been suffering like this, he didn't know about it for the longest time when they first started rooming together.  
Bertholdt felt extremely uncomfortable under his friend's gaze, immediately fidgeting with the ends of his sleeves. He tangled his fingers underneath the cloth, twisting it around his joints.

  
Marco looked towards their kitchen, the thought of asking Bertholdt to eat crossing his mind. He wanted to help his friend out of his bad health, but he knew embarrassing him into eating wouldn't be the way to do it. He let out a sigh and decided he would let it go for now. He'd have to do some research first before diving into trying to force his friend into a healthier lifestyle. His mind felt heavy with guilt for a quick second, telling him that he should at least say something. Marco ignored it, heading towards his room and leaving Bertholdt standing awkwardly by himself.

  
"..." Bertholdt bit his lip, looking down at the ground. He felt Marco judging him, he knew he was. He could almost hear what he was saying through the way that he had stared at him, but he tried to push it away. "...M-Marco.." He whispered. The freckled one turned, looking back at Bertholdt after hearing his name. He didn't say anything, but he put on a gentle face that indicated for him to go on. "...Can I hang out with you in your room for a little...?"

  
Marco smiled and nodded. "Yeah, of course."

* * *

 

 

"...Unnn.." Marco hung his head backwards, his eyes half lidded and his face bright red. He let out a raspy breath as his stomach clenched together to help him deal with the pleasure that was coursing through his body. He couldn't even trace back how the two had ended up in this position, but Marco's back was pressed against his headboard, and his taller roommate was currently in between his legs, making him feel pleasure like he never had before. "A-Ahh!" Marco choked out a breath, throwing his head forward.

  
Bertholdt's tongue ran up along Marco's shaft, pulling his mouth further down as he sucked on him. He let out a breath through his nose and pulled his head up, sucking on him harder as he twisted his tongue around his dick. His eyes flickered upward to watch his freckled friend's face twist about. Marco's thighs tightened up as Bertholdt went down on him again, sucking harder when he got to the base. "Ooh-" Marco breathed out. Another shock of pleasure jolted through his body, making him lean forward as his hips twitched upward into Bertholdt's mouth.

  
Marco threw his head backward again, throwing it against the head board. He let out a loud moan as his hand gripped onto Bertholdt's hair. He twisted it between his fingers, pushing his hips upward to try and get further into Bertholdt's mouth. Bertholdt pulled back a bit, feeling Marco's dick almost choke him. He pulled his head up taking in another breath of air and then continued to bob his head, Marco's pre-cum filling his mouth like saliva.

  
Marco's eyes were tightly closed, his head spinning as his body convulsed in pleasure. He was close to finishing, and he didn't want to hold back. Even though he knew it was Bertholdt going down on him, his brain kept envisioning Jean sucking him off, and it made his heart twist. His face flushed, imagining Jean down there, twisting his tongue around him, bobbing his head up and down, breathing against him like that. "A-Ahhh!" Marco huffed out. He threw both his hands onto Bertholdt's head, pushing him further down as he began to rock his hips into his mouth. His climax hit, his body pulsing in pleasure as rocked his hips into Bertholdt's mouth. He moaned loudly, except instead of moaning out Bertholdt's name, Jean's had escaped his lips. "Ahh! J-Jean! Ah, Please!" Marco arched his back, leaning into Bertholdt's mouth, his cum spilling over.

  
Bertholdt swallowed Marco's cum, making an awkward face when it slid down his throat. He sucked for a moment longer before pulling away, a trickle of spit hanging onto his lip. Bertholdt wiped his mouth using his sleeve and then sat up on the bed, straightening his posture.  
Marco's face was flushed red as he took in heavy breaths, calming down from his ecstatic moment. He took in one deep breath and then closed his mouth, finally bringing his gaze to the man that had just pleased him. "...I-I'm sorry-" He apologized, holding a hand to his mouth, embarrassed.

  
Bertholdt shook his head. "No, it's fine, it didn't taste that bad."

  
Marco smiled, leaning in towards him. He kiss the taller man, his hands reaching towards Bertholdt's pants. They fumbled around for a moment, twisting at the hem of his pants, undoing the button that held them together. After a moment, Bertholdt pulled back from the kiss and slapped Marco's hands away from him. "N-No, I'm good." He blushed.

  
Marco pulled his hands back, a confused look on his face. "..Why not...?" A smile crossed Marco's lips. "Shouldn't I be returning the favor?" Bertholdt's face only reddened, and he looked even more uncomfortable now than he was a moment ago. Marco looked down and saw Bertholdt pulling the hem of his shirt down. "Bertholdt.... Let me see."

  
Bertholdt pulled away, turning his head to avoid his gaze. Marco reached out towards him. "Let me s-" His hand was slapped away, Bertholdt backing off of the bed, and standing now. There was a silence between them for a moment, Bertholdt looking towards the door, figuring just leaving would be the best way out of it. Marco eyed the door quickly and made a dash for it when he felt that Bertholdt was about to leave. Like he had predicted, the taller man had made a run for it, but Marco beat him to the door. Bertholdt's hand reached the doorknob, but Marco blocked it by standing against it. "Show me." He demanded.

  
Bertholdt bit his lip, his hand shaking as he stood still. He shook his head, not wanting to let Marco get the better of him. Marco's eyes were stern as he leaned in towards Bertholdt. There was a silence that hung in the air, Bertholdt backing up slowly, eyes locked with Marco. After a moment, Marco dashed after him, successfully tackling him onto the ground. Bertholdt rolled over, now on his back as Marco straddled him."Stop it!" He shouted at him, his hands grabbing onto Marco's forearms to try and keep him from pulling at his shirt.

  
"Just let me see!" Marco retorted, fighting with Bertholdt to get to his shirt. Bertholdt felt panic run through him, kicking as he tried to fling Marco off of him, but he was just too much stronger than him. His eyes swelled with tears as the image of Marco seeing his hideous body filled his head. His arms lost their strength as Marco over powered him and slapped them to the side. The man on top of him pulled up Bertholdt's shirt and a gasp escaped his lips. "...Oh my God..." He breathed, a hand going straight to his mouth.

  
"I get it!" Bertholdt shouted, pulling his hands to his face, completely humiliated. "I'm fucking hideous, I get it!"

  
Marco shook his head. "Bertholdt, no.." He breathed, he couldn't believe the sight that was in front of him. Bertholdt was starved. He was so sickeningly skinny, he looked almost like a holocaust victim. "No, you're not.. No.." Marco breathed.

  
Bertholdt shoved Marco off of him and pulled his shirt down. "Don't lie to me! Don't feed me that bullshit!"

  
"Please! Bertholdt, you need help-"

  
" No!" Bertholdt shouted, "Don't you try to tell me that! I-I'm fine, I'm not as fucking blessed as you are, I'm not pretty, or e-even nice looking, I'm not-"

  
Marco cut him off, pulling Bertholdt into a hug. "Stop it....Stop this, please..." He huffed out.

  
"Stop?! You just want me to stop?" Bertholdt shoved Marco back, surprising him. "And what? Be happy? Just flick a switch somewhere in my fucking brain and suddenly feel good about myself?" Marco held up a hand to cut him off but Bertholdt kept going. "What about you, huh? You're no better than I am, you're just as miserable."

  
"Bertholdt, stop..." he breathed.

  
"You've been chasing after the same fucking loser for years now, and even after he picks someone else over you, you're still bending over backwards for him-"

  
"-S-stop it-"

  
"-And he's the reason you're fucking depressed? I'm supposed to take advice from you?!" Bertholdt grabbed his head in frustration, he had more than crossed the line, but he couldn't bite his tongue any longer. "I might have my own issues, but at least I'm not a-"

  
"STOP." Marco screamed, covering his ears, his face damp. "Stop it! Just STOP!" He gripped his hair, arching over in a fetal position.

  
Bertholdt snapped out of his rage fit, his mouth hanging open after the slur of words had escaped him. He stared at Marco, who looked completely shattered now. It wasn't his fault, he didn't mean to- No. No Bertholdt didn't deserve to feel guilty for this, he told Marco to stop. He told him to leave him alone, he deserved it.

  
Bertholdt tried to say something but his mouth stayed closed. He let out a sigh and then stood up, walking towards the door and leaving.  
Marco toppled over, lying on his side now, burying his face into his hands, sobbing. He just wanted to help. He just wanted to make sure Bertholdt was okay, and he wasn't, why did he have to feel like such a pile of shit? And Jean...

  
Why? Why did he have to be stuck up on someone that was just going to leave him in the dark? Why on earth did Marco have to be so fucking in love with someone who literally couldn't even see him as anything more than his friend. He was so tired of it, so tired of being just a friend. What was the point in even trying if he didn't get more out of it?

  
Marco pulled his head out his hands and stared blankly around his room. He pulled himself up and stared at his night stand. There had to be something in there to make this go away. There had to be, alcohol, medicine, something to make this pain go away. Marco pulled the drawer open and began shuffling through everything. There were so many useless things in here, why wasn't there-

  
His thoughts completely stopped when he found himself holding a pocket knife. He flicked it open, and stared at the stainless steel blade. His eyes seemed possessed as he turned it over in his hand. He didn't even think when he brought the metal end to his forearm. If he cut deep enough, hit a vein, then he wouldn't have to feel this way anymore would he?

  
Marco held the knife in place, staring down at his skin, feeling it cut the spot it was in slightly, waiting to be dragged down his arm. Just... Just pull it. Just end it. Marco's hand started shaking before he pulled the knife off of his skin and dropped to his knees.

  
He couldn't do it.

  
He didn't want to die, he just wanted the pain to go away. He just wanted a reason to live again. Why couldn't he just be happy? Why wasn't there just some kind of switch he could flick to make everything go away?

  
With a shaky breath, Marco looked at the small dribble of blood that had gathered on his forearm. He turned his gaze to the knife in his hands, his mind feeling like a black storm had just settled in for the night.

  
He didn't have to kill himself, he just wanted some kind of relief.. Marco had heard before that some people would hurt themselves for some kind of relief, maybe it worked?

  
Slowly, Marco brought the knife back up to his arm and made a quick slice across it. He winced at the sharp pain it brought, but felt his body go numb when the blood trickled out of the small gash. He found himself swiping the knife across his skin again...and again...and again.

  
It did feel good.

  
It hurt, but it still felt good. It felt like all the blood that pooled up was a different problem that he didn't have to worry about anymore. Marco eventually dropped the knife on the ground and just toppled over to join it. He stared at the damage on his arm until his eyelids felt too heavy. He closed them, and slowly drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 

 

Levi had been in a confused messed over the past day, his thoughts constantly drifting back and forth about what Eren had pulled. He would find himself getting insanely furious about it and considered doing a bunch of idiotic things--such as reporting it to the school board-- but he just couldn't settle his thoughts. He completely avoided Eren during his class and even thought about telling him not to show up the following day to his after studies, but that wasn't fair to him at all. The best thing that Levi could come up with was to have a talk with Eren and tell him that the feelings he had towards his teacher were just some kind of fluke because he was going through a stressful time in his life.

  
This had been his original plan, so he stuck with it. After class had ended and Eren showed up for his study session, Levi pulled him to the side and told him exactly that. His feelings were a fluke.

  
He didn't really like his teacher, he just wanted to because of his relationship problem. He didn't actually like kissing his teacher, he was just stressed over his grades, that was all.

  
Even Levi didn't buy that bullshit as he was saying it, so he was only a little surprised with Eren's response.

  
"I want to fuck you."

  
Levi honestly had never felt so embarrassed by something in his life. He never had to go through something like this, and Eren being completely blunt about it didn't help. "Eren, you don't want to-"

  
"Levi, I really want to fuck you." Eren stated again, his eyes holding his teacher's gaze. At this point, Levi was completely speechless. How the fuck was he supposed to get out of this?

  
Levi's mouth hung open, unsure of what to say. He looked around his classroom, almost like he was trying to get ideas from the things that were scattered around. He literally couldn't think of anything to say and the words that came out of his mouth was more about him being confused than anything. "Are...Are you sure?" Eren smirked, taking a step towards his teacher. Levi immediately leaned back in his chair, wishing he hadn't of asked a question like that. "Eren, stop." He blurted out quickly. "You're my student, you're also in a relationship right now, and you've got more important things to worry about than trying to get into your teacher's pants."

  
Eren let out a sigh, rolling his eyes. Levi nodded towards the chair that was placed in front of his desk so that the brunette would take a seat. Reluctant to do so, Eren took the seat and looked at the book in front of him. Levi tried to ignore the conversation that had just happened, and made an attempt to go right into the lesson. He tried explaining a problem to Eren, and even when he knew that the brat wasn't listening to him, he still explained it point for point. Levi's finger glided over to Eren's text book, pointing out an example. He was cut off completely when Eren's finger's glided over his hand, tearing his mind completely out of the lesson. Levi's eyes locked onto Eren's, his stare cold and icy, as if to say that he had better remove his hand instantly. Eren smirked. He pulled his hand away, but the two still held each other's gaze. Still locked in a staring contest, Eren purposely flicked his pencil off of Levi's desk with full intentions of wanting to watch him pick it up. Levi's eyebrow twitched as he heard the pencil fall to the floor and roll near his foot. He still didn't pull his gaze away as he reached inside of his desk and pulled out a new one.

  
"Eren." Levi snapped. "The problem. Do it."

  
The biggest smile spread across his face, and Levi was sure that whatever idea that had just sprouted into his student's mind, was not about to be a good one. Eren finally broke eye contact with his teacher, and then bent down to retrieve the pencil the he had purposefully dropped. Levi watched him suspiciously, and started to drum his fingers against the table impatiently. His eyes widened when he felt his chair pulled into the desk, and a hand grip on his crouch. "EREN!" He shouted, trying to push back in his chair, but it felt like the wheels on his chair had been locked into place. He kicked about, panicking when he felt Eren's hands pull at his zipper. He made an attempt to kick him off, but the sudden thought of Eren shouting 'abuse!' went through his mind and he stopped. Eren's hands had undone his pants and were currently fidgeting with the hem of his boxers. Levi was freaking out now, unsure of what to do. His eyes landed on the door, seeing it half cracked less than a corner of the way open. He was at least thankful for that, but still. He did not in anyway ask for this. "Eren I swear to God, if you go any further, I will snap each and every one of your--Ah!" Levi cut off into a gasp when he felt Eren's warm mouth lock around his cock. He wasn't even hard, but if Eren kept this up, it'd only be a matter of seconds before he was.


	9. Chapter 9

"If you did everything right, then the answer should come out to a whole number. So when you multiply it, you should get....Wait..." Levi's eyes stared puzzled at his work on the chalk board. He had a piece of chalk pressed up against the board, his hand frozen in the process of writing out the answer. He stared over his work, his eyes dropping to what his final answer was. How did he get 12.6? What did he do wrong?

  
"Uh... I got four?" One of the kids spoke up. Levi looked over his work again and still wasn't able to find the mistake he made, completely ignoring the student's voice. There were some murmurs about other answers that the students got and Levi finally withdrew his hand from the board. He looked over at his notes and then sat down at his desk and scribbled out the problem. After a couple minutes, he turned back to the board and compared the two.

  
"Hm..." Levi hummed. Some how he had thrown in a random number in the process of solving the problem. He wasn't sure where it came from, but that was definitely why he got such a fucked up answer. He erased all his work on the board and re-wrote the entire problem from the work he had on his paper. "So..." He sighed, circling the answer and turning to face his class. "If you don't throw in random numbers in your work, you should get four. " The short man felt a pair of eyes on him and his whole body felt jittery. He had about fifteen minutes left of his class, and for once he actually wanted to bolt out of there. Turning back to the board, his eyes were caught for a moment with a pair of teal ones and he felt his face heat up.

  
It was a mix of embarrassment and anger that caused him to go so red, but he quickly composed himself. Taking in a breath, he looked over his notes and then turned back to the class. "Today is the last day for any work from chapter 7. If anyone is still stuck on any problems, now is the time to ask." There was a silence among the students. Levi closed his notes and then plopped down at his desk. "Tomorrow we'll be reviewing chapters 9 and 11, make sure you go over the work, and if you have any questions, be sure to ask them."

  
There were a couple of students that had come up to him and asked him for help on certain problems, but for the most part, the class just chatted away the rest of the period. Levi tried to be engaged in his notes, or his planner, hell, anything at this point, but he could just feel that pair of eyes on him. He shot his eyes up and sure enough, they locked with Eren's yet again. He felt his blood boil for a second and he quickly turned back to his paperwork. He was pissed off. And humiliated. He wanted to punch Eren right in his smug little face and then tell him to blow him again, and it was those feelings that really really pissed him off.

  
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the bell, and at this point, he wished that he had an excuse to leave because he knew exactly who would be waiting for him afterward. Unfortunately, there wasn't a single excuse he could come up with. Just like he suspected, after all the students fled the classroom, Eren was still sitting at his desk, eyes locked onto Levi. The older man tried his best to pretend there wasn't any tension in the air right now, but it was hard to ignore. He didn't want to look up, but he heard Eren move and he secretly wished that he would just walk out of the classroom.

  
As if it were almost too good to be true, Levi watched as Eren motioned towards the door. He felt like some kind of gift was being sent to him, but it was crushed as soon as the younger man closed the door. He spun around and smiled at Levi. "I'm not done with you" Eren smirked.

  
Levi let out a sigh. "If you think you're going to pull something like you did last time, you are so wrong."

  
"Oh? So what were you getting all red about? Were you embarrassed you got a problem wrong, or was I just imagining that?"

  
Levi let out a sharp breath, not a single retort coming from him. This _asshole_.

  
"But since I wasn't..." Eren stepped away from the door and then headed towards the closet, where Levi kept all of his stupid rulers and random math objects. "Maybe I could help you find some paperwork or something, hm?" There was an obvious hint in his voice as he cooed his words. The brunette slid the closet door open and then stepped inside.

  
Levi sat at his desk, his thoughts going wild. Right now, he had a student trying to seduce him, waiting for him in his back room, and he had every reason to go up to that door, slam it shut, and push his desk in front of it until that brat would have to go home, but he also had some very few reasons as to why he should go in there.

  
One, Eren had already given him a blowjob and if Levi really didn't want it as much as he acted like he did, then Eren never would've gotten him to finish.

  
Two, Despite being his teacher and being older than him, he did find Eren rather attractive, and most of the people he found attractive were either online, or he didn't stand a chance with.

  
Three, Levi couldn't remember the last time that he had sex.

  
Even though every fiber of his being was telling him to fucking run, to bolt out of the classroom and to just fucking get out of there, Levi still found himself walking towards the door.

  
What was he going to do? Shut it? Leave Eren in there? Before Levi got the chance to make the decision himself, an arm reached out and grabbed ahold of him, pulling his body into the small room and slamming the door shut behind him. Levi found himself on the ground, pinned under Eren's body. His mind had just now caught up with his body and his face turned slightly pink. It was so out of the ordinary for him to be getting flustered at anything, but this was a whole new experience for him.

  
"You're cute when you blush." Eren smirked, leaning towards Levi's neck and lightly pressing his lips against his skin. Levi felt a shock throughout his body with each flicker of Eren's lips. He took a moment to compose himself and then brought his hand up to Eren's head.

Taking in a fistful of his hair, Levi gripped it and pulled his head backwards. "Listen here, you little shit. If we do this, you better not tell a soul, you hear me? I could lose my job for this."

  
Eren rolled his eyes. "Oh and you think I want to get expelled? Now shut up." Eren didn't let Levi get another word out of his mouth. He pulled his head closer to Levis and locked his lips with the older man. Their lips rolled off of each other's, their tongues twisting with one another's. Levi leaned up into the kiss, and after freeing his legs from Eren's weight, he flipped their positions so that he was on top now. He broke the kiss and started undoing his shirt. He struggled with a few buttons, but he got most of them off in record time, throwing his shirt off to the side and then helping Eren out of his hoody and v-neck combination. It was such a stupid looking combination, but holy fuck was it nice to take off of him.

  
The two were at each other's lips again in no time, Eren fumbling with the belt buckle that was around Levi's hips. He finally got it undone and gripped at his pants as well, tugging them down so that he could get to the best part. Levi stopped Eren from pulling his pants down any further and took a handful of his hair again. The brunette smirked, and pulled Levi's underwear down as the older man rested on his knees. Eren sat up, leaning his head downward and pulling Levi's dick into his mouth as the older man gripped onto his hair. Levi let his head fall backward as the pleasure began to flow through him. He let out a breath, a quiet moan escaping as well.

  
Fuck this felt good. Who cared about teaching, anyway?

* * *

 

 

"Hey, if I give you my lunch for the week, can you draw my project?"

  
"Ymir! Shut up and draw your own freakin' project."

  
"Aw, are you getting frustrated again, Krista?" There was a fit of laughter, and a loud grunt before Bertholdt turned to look at the girls talking to him. His hands were covered in charcoal, a few smudges had even found their way onto his face. He sat with Ymir and Krista in his art class, and while they were both pretty cool people, he had a hard time keeping up with their conversations sometimes. Krista was a short blond, probably one of the shortest people he knew. She was wearing a lacey blouse with a tank top under it, and floral mini-skirt. Honestly, if Ymir didn't sit with them, Bertholdt would've felt like a giant next to her. He looked over at the tall female. She was obviously shorter than Bertholdt, but it honestly wasn't that much shorter. She was tanner and had freckles. Most of the time, she would just be wearing a pair of jeans and t-shirt that loosely fit her, but there were random days she would come in with something nicer. Bertholdt guessed she'd wear those nicer clothes on days she would be seeing Krista the most, but that was just his opinion.

  
Right now Ymir was just twirling a pencil on a piece of paper, while Krista was drawing and then erasing, and then drawing again, and then erasing a lot more, and then pouting because she couldn't draw. She eventually just got so frustrated that she dropped the picture on the table. Bertholdt took a peek at it and then looked to the blond. "Ah..What're you having trouble with...?"

  
Krista handed her picture over and pointed out the center. "She's supposed to have wings, but they keep coming out bad."

  
The picture wasn't really all that bad for someone who wasn't going into art, but there were definitely a lot of flaws with it. Bertholdt ignored the issues that she could probably work on and focused on what she was saying. He picked up a drawing pencil and did a light sketch on the paper. "I think... The wings you're trying to draw don't have enough joints.. If you want them to look like a pair of bird wings, they've got more of an L shape attached to a U rather than just a regular hill curve. Here," He handed the picture back over and pointed out the joints that he mentioned in the picture. "Maybe that'll help?"

  
Krista stared at the picture, her eyes wide with excitement. "Wow! That made it so much easier, I never would've gotten it!" She quickly went back to work on her picture, and Ymir rolled her eyes.

  
Bertholdt smiled and tried to work on his again. His vision went blurry for a moment, his head feeling light. He blinked, widening his eyes as if it would line up his vision again. He had been feeling like this off and on since he passed out at Reiner's. He let out a breath and then put his head in his hands.

  
"Hey big guy, you alright?" Ymir asked, noticing his actions.

  
"Y-yeah." He responded. His whole body felt tired, and he was sure his brain was going to shut down on him. Usually this class was always easy to get through. He got to draw and do what he liked and he had some people to at least listen to.

  
"Bertie?" Krista asked, looking up from her picture. God he hated when she called him that, but he'd never correct her. He closed his eyes for a moment and took in a breath.

  
"Hey, don't take deep breaths if you feel like you're gonna pass out, that'll just make you pass out sooner." Ymir stated, completely serious. She brought a hand to Bertholdt and straightened his back. "You need to lie down or something, put your head down, at least you'll stay in your seat."

  
Krista nodded in agreement, although she was slightly taken back by how quickly Ymir reacted to him.

  
Bertholdt shook his head and then sat up. The feeling started to go away, but he still felt like crap. "I'm better.." The two girls stared at him.  
"Y-You're still really pale.. Ymir! Go buy him water!"

  
"Pssht, I don't have any money on me for that." Krista dug into her pocket and threw some money at her, and then shooed her off. Ymir rolled her eyes as she left, but she still obliged.

  
"You don't have to do that, I'll be fine, I swear. This happens a lot."

  
"Oh, are you anemic?" The blond asked still very concerned.  
  
"N-no, not that I know of..."

  
"Maybe you're mal-nourished? I know a lot of guys who have metabolisms that are too fast. That can be actually really unhealthy you know. Do you eat a lot of junk food?"

  
"I'm fine, don't worry about it." He snapped, trying to dodge the question. Krista noticed the slight edge to his words and backed off.

"...W-well, she'll be back with some water in a minute..."

  
A silence feel between the two, the taller man feeling slightly guilty about the whole situation. These two were always nice to him, so he knew they didn't deserve that. He wasn't really sure how to take it back though. It's not like he could just be like, 'Oh yeah, I pass out a lot because I hate eating, and literally haven't eaten in almost a week now.' He bit his lip and then pointed at her picture. "Um.. That picture's good.." He complimented.

 

Krista was flustered for a moment. "What? This? It's nothing compared to yours."

  
"Well...it's still pretty good. I can tell you're trying really hard on it, and it's turning out nice." He wasn't sure how to react when people always put his skills above theirs.

  
Krista smiled. "Thanks, although it never would've gotten anywhere if you didn't help me with the wings, so thanks for that." She admired her artwork for a moment and then set it down. "How long have you been drawing for, anyway?"

  
Bertholdt looked at her and shrugged. He really couldn't remember when he started drawing. He felt like he always had been. "I don't know.. I just kind of always did." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I was a big dork for fantasy stuff when I was little, so I drew a lot since I couldn't really get much fantasy things."

  
"Aw, that's adorable." Krista giggled. "I wish I had a hobby like this when I was little." Bertholdt looked at Ymir's empty seat. It seemed pretty obvious to him that Ymir was really into Krista, but he didn't have a clue about how the blond felt.

  
"Um.. I don't know if this might be out of line but...Are you and Ymir..are you two..?" He trailed off hoping that she'd get the idea.

  
Krista's face flushed red, and she looked off to the side. "Dating? Yeah...I mean sort of. I mean.." She flustered for a moment before trying to gather her thoughts. "We both said we liked each other.. But we haven't really done much, like I know she still likes me, and I like her, but now there's this awkward wall, and.. I don't know."

  
"Oh." Bertholdt commented. He wondered to himself why any kind of relationship had to be so difficult. "You two are both too nervous to be the initiator?" He realized the way he said it sounded way more direct than he meant it to be.

  
"Initiator...?" Krista blinked. "O-oh, I just always thought that...if Ymir wanted something, she'd just do it..." She thought for a moment before her face lit up. "You know what! You're right Bertie! Today, when we leave, I'm going to hold her hand!" Krista was already in a pretty good mood today, but it seemed to shift even more with this new goal in mind. Bertholdt wished he had the same energy as this girl had. She went back to her drawing.

  
Bertholdt put a hand to his forehead, the lightheadedness still there. He hoped he'd be fine long enough to make it home, but he really wasn't sure.

  
"Here." Ymir came back, putting a bottle of water on the table near Bertholdt and handing her change back to Krista. She had also put down a bottle of orange juice next to him too. "I don't know why you're feeling faint, but I just thought the orange juice might be a good idea." Krista looked up and smiled.

  
"Ah, I didn't think about that, good one!" She commented. Ymir raised an eyebrow to her perky mood and turned back to Bertholdt.

  
"Anyway, you owe her like, three bucks alright? You're excused for now, but it's only cause you look like a ghost, pal."

  
Bertholdt looked at the bottle of orange juice and flipped over to the nutrient facts label. His eyes scanned over it and his face lifted up in disgust for a moment. He immediately put the bottle down and went for the water instead. After cracking it open and taking a couple of sips to satisfy the two, he set it down. He didn't bother to look at their expressions and instead figured he'd pay Krista back now before he forgot. Bertholdt handed her the three dollars and nodded. "Thanks, but you really didn't have to do that."

  
Krista just nodded and then turned to Ymir. Ymir was staring at Bertholdt suspiciously, before eyeing the juice. "It's none of my business, but you should really drink that juice first. You could have low blood sugar or something."

  
"Hn..." The male breathed, turning towards the juice. He cracked the lid open to it and took in a small sip. Whatever would shut them up.  
Again, the two exchanged looks and then Ymir shrugged. "Yo, I know you might be saying you're alright but you should let us take you home. Just in case, you know?"

  
Bertholdt shook his head. "No, no, it's alright. I've got a ride home already, don't worry about it."

  
Krista bite her lip. "Are you just saying that so we'll leave you alone? Or do you really have a ride?"

  
"I do, I get a ride home from a friend. I swear." Bertholdt reassured. He was lying. He didn't have a ride home, but if he needed to, he could always try and get one from Reiner. Which, right now didn't seem like a bad idea.

  
The two finally let him off the hook and they all went back to their drawings. There was maybe about another half an hour left of class, and Bertholdt spent that time making sure he took some drinks of the water they got for him, just to keep them from asking anything else. He even managed to drink some of the orange juice, and as much as he didn't want to admit it, it did make him feel slightly better.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter here, how exciting c: Anyway, this chapter's supposed to mainly show how Jean and Marco's relationship is so hopefully I got that across in here. Also thanks for all the kudos left on this as well as the comments, it means a lot c:

Regret was one of the worst feelings to experience. That horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, twisting and tormenting the mind, making that you experience nothing but embarrassment and humiliation for your actions. All of those things couldn't even describe how Marco Bodt felt in this moment.

  
His eyes were heavy and swollen from all of the crying he went through the night before. His forearm burned with pain, stinging every time he twisted it too fast. Marco woke up to the mess all over his arm, dried blood puddled and dripped all down it and staining the sheets that he passed out on.

  
It was stupid. It was the stupidest thing he had ever done. Now what on earth was he gonna do? Wear long sleeves all the time? Only wear hoodies? How long would it be before the marks went away? Hell, would they even go away?

  
Marco pulled his body off of his bed and rubbed at his eyes. He felt horrible. If anything, he felt even worse than he did last night and it was only morning. Marco peeked over at his clock and groaned when he realized he only had a good twenty minutes to get ready and head to class. He took a step towards the entrance to his door and instantly made the decision to skip class today. He couldn't even begin to think about trying to pay attention to anything right now. His emotions were shot, his arm was on fire, and there was no way he would be caught out right now without showering.

  
The freckled man picked out a towel from his dresser and headed towards the bathroom, glancing into Bertholdt's room as he passed. The lights were out and Marco had woken up late anyway, so he figured he must've already left for school. He let out a sigh and went to fiddle with the faucets in the bath tub.

  
As he turned the knob, he barely caught the sound of his phone going off. Groaning, Marco spun around and headed back towards his room to grab his phone. Upon closer inspection, his heart twisted when the name "Jean" popped up. He cleared his throat and then answered the phone. "H-Hello..?"

  
"Hey Dipshit."

  
Marco chuckled to Jean's voice. "What do you want, douche?" He responded with.

  
"Are you free today? Like after class or whatever. I want to go out."

  
Marco's stomach twisted, his brain jumping to those words. Go outside. Go hang out. He knew that, but hearing Jean say that just dragged him down. "Ah.. I'm skipping class today, woke up late.. Speaking of, why're you calling me so damn early?"

  
"Fuck you, I'll call you when I want." Jean retorted. "I'm always up this early, I have all morning classes, dude."

  
"Yeah, right I knew that." Marco mumbled, sarcasm laced in his tone.

  
"Whatever, are you free or not? Armin's having Annie over and I don't think I can sit here with that shit. It's awkward, you know?"

  
Marco rolled his eyes. Of course he fucking knew. Did Jean not realize how many times he had unintentionally made him a third wheel? How awkward it was to be so excited to hang out, only to walk in on him and Eren lip locked and nearly fucking each other through their clothes? Yeah, probably not. "Eh, You mind coming over here? I don't really feel like going out honestly. I'm...tired." Marco sighed.

 

Jean blew his tongue. "Fiiine, I guess we can hang out in your crummy place."

  
"Good, now I was halfway in the shower when you called so don't go rushing over here."

  
"Aw damn, you foiled my plot to see you in the nude. I've come so close to seeing that freckled ass, and you ruined it." Jean joked.

  
Marco's face heated up, slapping a hand to his cheek. He rolled his eyes. "Thanks, asshole."

  
"You know it." Jean let out a chuckle. "I'll text you when I leave."

  
"Alright, sounds good."

  
"Bye, asshat."

  
"Dick."

  
The phone call ended, and Marco tossed his phone onto his bed, going back to the shower. He really wasn't in the mood to be around anyone, but for Jean, he could make an exception.

 

After getting out of the shower and heading towards his room, Marco dug through his clothes to find a long sleeved shirt. The water stung so badly when he tried to wash off his cuts, and using soap just made it hurt worse. He thought about trying to put band aids over them, but he didn't have enough to cover it all, and it would look so ridiculous. Not to mention that it would draw attention and that was the last thing he needed right now. Marco ended up pulling out a thin black long sleeved shirt that had a v-neck design at the top, with buttons trailed along the cut. He threw it on, adding to his regular jeans and turned to grab his phone.

  
Sure enough there was a text from Jean that he was already on his way that Marco missed while showering. Sometimes he could be the most impatient person.

  
Marco figured he would straighten up his room while waiting for his friend to come over. He picked up some of the clothes that were lying scattered on the floor and threw them in a corner, then he grabbed most of his school stuff and set them on his desk that was tucked off to the side. Marco walked towards his bed side to pick up the miscellaneous items on the ground and froze. The knife he used to cut himself was just lying there. He picked it up, slowly, looking at the sharp curve. There was still some of his blood on it. It made his stomach turn.

  
BZZZZT!

  
Marco jumped to the sound of the buzzer going off. He took one last look at the knife and then chucked it into his nightstand, trying to put the thoughts it brought to the back of his mind. He pulled the door open and his heart clenched tightly when Jean was standing there.

  
"What's up?" Jean greeted, stepping past Marco and tossing his keys onto the dinning room table. Marco shrugged his shoulders, watching the other man undo his jacket and hang it off of the chair. Jean was wearing just a regular t-shirt that looked to be torn out around the neck area. There was a faded design on his shirt that looked like a dragon curling in on itself. He had a pair tight jeans on, a belt around his waist to compliment the outfit. Marco's face darkened, taking in all of his friend's curves. He immediately grabbed at his sleeve, his heart pacing as panic ran through him. What was he gonna do if Jean saw his arm? He suddenly felt like throwing on a couple layers and hiding himself under his blankets. "This is when you should be saying 'Oh nothing Jean, I'm just so glad you're here'. " Marco's thoughts were pulled away from the idea he had and back onto Jean.

  
"I would still be sleeping if you didn't wake me up, why would I be glad you're here?" Marco chuckled.

  
"Hey, you said you were already up, that's on you." Jean peeked around the small apartment and cocked his head towards Bertholdt's room. "Big ol' berts not here?" He questioned.

"No, he's in class." Marco guessed.

  
"Awesome." Jean smirked and Marco lost his breath with the way his lips curved. This was torture.

  
"Why's that awesome?" He questioned, dragging his eyes away from Jean's features.

  
"Well, " Jean started. "I figured if he was here, I wouldn't be able to get a straight answer out of you." He pulled a chair out from the table and sat down, leaning back in it. "Are you two a thing?"

  
Marco followed Jean's movements and then found himself shaking his head, having to re-process what his friend asked. "Wait." Marco stated, thinking. "Bertholdt and me?" Jean simply nodded and Marco felt his stomach drop. Why would he...? I mean.. I guess it was true that the two had done stuff, but it wasn't like they ever told anyone..Or at least Marco didn't. "No! Why- No, what on earth gave you that idea?"

  
"Well, you two are like, best friends, so I thought maybe there was something more." Jean shrugged. "I know you got a crush on someone, that was my best guess."

  
Marco rolled his eyes. "Will you just give up on that?" He sighed.

  
Jean shot up from his seat. "As if! You wouldn't do that with me, so it's not fair. I'm gonna get you to tell me who it is, just watch."

  
"Yeah, whatever." Marco did what he could to change the subject. "You wanna watch a movie or something?"

  
Jean caught on to his plan and held his stare for a long moment. After realizing that he wasn't going to get anything out of his freckled friend, he rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah sure why not."

  
The two headed towards Marco's room, where they both threw themselves onto the bed. Marco used the remote to turn on his tv and leaned forward off the bed to grab his ps3 controller, grabbing a second one for Jean. The system booted up and he turned to Jean, passing the controller to him. "You want to play something, or watch something?"

  
"Eh.. Neither honestly. I'm in the mood to like, go out and do stuff." Jean straightened his arms out and groaned. "But we got debby downer over here that doesn't want to go out. " Marco just shrugged his shoulders, unsure of what to say. He felt bad but all he wanted to do was just lie in bed. What was so bad about that? Jean let out a sigh. "But we can watch something I guess."

  
Marco smiled, thankful that Jean didn't pressure it anymore. The two spent some time trying to figure out what to watch, arguing over what was better, before they finally settled on watching a classic. Marco put the movie on and then settled back into the bed, getting comfortable.  
Throughout the movie, the two shifted into different positions, eventually ending up tossing their limbs on each other. Jean currently had his legs propped over Marco's thighs, while Marco was using one of Jean's arms as a head rest. To be honest, Marco had missed out on a lot of the movie, because every time Jean shifted his body, Marco's stomach twisted into knots, and his face flushed red when he even brushed against his skin. Now that Jean was just flat out lying on top of him, Marco couldn't concentrate on anything but trying to calm his nerves down. He felt his heart thudding loudly against his ribcage, his nerves all over the place and Jean wasn't even doing anything. Literally.

  
Marco tilted his head up, scared that by doing so, it would cause Jean to move his arm from underneath his head, but he never did. Jean was on his phone, reading something. His face dropped slightly before he locked the screen and set it aside. He let out a soft sigh and turned his head away from the tv screen. Marco bit his lip, hesitant to ask and ruin the moment, but he pushed his feelings aside. "Everything okay?"

  
"Eh.." Jean shrugged. He looked over to Marco and forced a smile. "Stupid stuff."

  
"Like?" Marco questioned.

  
"Well like, the fucking fact that Eren doesn't have time for me anymore." Jean spat. "He just blew me off again."

  
Marco looked away, not really sure what to say to him. "What'd he blow you off for?"

  
"Supposedly to study. He keeps saying that he has to stay after class to catch up, but it was supposed to be like, twice a week, or something like that? I don't fucking know. Now it's like, every fucking day." Jean shrugged. "I don't even know why I'm mad, he's trying to bring his grade up but, I just.." Jean pulled his arm out from under Marco's head and shot up. "Like, what the fuck though? Seriously? I get that you gotta put school ahead of relationships, but do you really need five days out of the week to study for one class?"

  
"Maybe he's fucking the teacher." Marco stated. Jean shot him a look and Marco went into a laughing fit.

  
"That's not funny."

  
"Aw, Jean I didn't mean it. Who's his teacher anyway? I bet it's just someone really shitty and Eren's just not getting it or something."

  
"That short angry looking guy. Lavi, or levy, or-"

  
"Levi?"

  
"Yeah, that guy." Jean sighed.

  
"Huh..." Marco bit his lips, confused. "I actually have him this semester.."

  
Jean caught Marco's look and scrunched his eyebrows together. "What? What's with that look? What?"

  
"N-nothing just.." Marco blinked, taken back by Jean's sudden burst. "He's probably the best Math teacher.. Like, He doesn't give out homework, and all the assignments are like, follow-alongs with his work, so it's just..weird that Eren's having that hard of a time." Marco shrugged his shoulders and then pulled his arms up behind his head,.His sleeves pulled up from the way his shoulders bent, the cloth bunched up around his elbow area. He turned to look at Jean again, his eyes catching onto the hazel pair. They weren't looking at Marco's face, but they were looking at him, his eyes were definitely staring right at Marco's arm.

  
Panic ran through his body and Marco immediately sat up, tugging his shirt sleeve down in the process. He didn't know if anything was even showing, but.. Jean was staring right at it. Even if his cuts didn't show, it was like he already knew. Jean was quiet for a long moment. Marco's face was red as he turned his body to face Jean. He tried to go on like nothing happened. He hoped that nothing happened at least. "M-Maybe Eren's just.. I don't know catching up on all of his assignments. You did have to turn those i-"

  
Marco was cut off by Jean's hand gripping onto his arm. Jean pulled his arm towards him and was reaching for Marco's sleeve. Marco tried to yank his arm backward, but Jean wasn't letting go. "J-Jean, stop it. Let go!" He said, struggling, but it wasn't any use. Jean pulled Marco forward again and used his other arm to yank his sleeve up, revealing all the cuts that were decorating his friends arm. He instantly let go when he saw them, and Marco immediately brought his hand to his chest, his face red and his eyes watering just slightly. It suddenly felt hard to breathe for him. He couldn't bring himself to look at Jean, he didn't want to see how he was judging him. Before he got the chance to, Jean had brought his arms around Marco, pulling him into a hug.

  
"Marco...." Jean breathed along his neck. His breath sent chills down Marco's spine. Jean's embrace was comforting and warm, his touch gentle and definitely caring. It took every bit of strength to keep himself from sobbing into his shoulder right now. Jean pulled back from his hug and locked eyes with his freckled friend. "Why...?"

  
Marco bit his lip, feeling his breath skip when he inhaled. "I... I thought it would help...It was stupid, I shouldn't of...." He trailed off, looking to the side.

  
"Hey," Jean called, using his hand to lightly pull Marco's face back to level with his. "It's alright, Just... Fuck Marco, talk to someone before you do that shit." Jean let out a breath, looking down at his arm again. There was a silence that hung in the air between them and it was obvious that Jean wasn't sure what to say. He looked like he had a lot of things that he wanted to say to him, but none of it was coming out. Jean had no idea that Marco felt bad at all, not even in the slightest. There was no way in his mind that Marco would ever do something like this, but.. He did. And Jean didn't know.. Marco never told him. Marco never said anything. "..Talk to me..." He said in a hushed tone. Marco's heart skipped a beat. He wished he could've, but it was hard to talk to the person that made him do it in the first place. Fuck, what would Bertholdt think of him right now if he saw how pathetic he was? Jean shifted suddenly, stepping off the bed and looking around the room. "What'd you use?"

  
"..." Marco's eyes drifted away from Jean. "..A knife.."

  
"Where is it?" Jean watched Marco as he pointed towards his night stand. He immediately pulled the drawer open and began digging through his things. He shifted some items around before pulling out a pocket knife, holding it up and flicking it open, inspecting it. His hands clamped it shut and then he shoved the knife into his pocket, sitting back on the bed with Marco. "Do you want to talk..?"

  
"I don't think I could even if I wanted to." Marco mumbled. He played with the ends of his sleeve, regret taking over every ounce of his being right now. In a way, he wanted Jean to just say fuck it pretend it never happened, but he also wanted him to hug him, console him, lie with him and be there for him and just spend the rest of the day in bed, taking care of him. There wasn't anyway that Jean could ever understand his pain if he didn't know what brought him pain. He knew that if he ever did want to take Jean up on his offer, he would have to tell him how he felt, and it terrified him. He couldn't do that to him, especially not right now while he was with Eren.

  
His thoughts were cut off when Jean's hands were placed on top of his. His eyes locked with his crush's and Marco swore he could've died with how amazing Jean appeared to him in this moment. There was a lump in his throat and his hands started to sweat. "Marco.. You're my best fucking friend, you know that right? I tell you everything, stupid or not and it's because I trust you. Because you're just fucking great, and so selfless. You don't give two shits about what I think is right or wrong, you give everything to me straight and you never sugar coat anything, and I might get pissed over it because I'm wrong, but I appreciate it. I appreciate everything you do for me." Jean pulled out Marco's arm again, pulling the sleeve back and brushing his thumb along the cuts that were made. Marco winced to the touch, but he didn't try to pull back this time. "This isn't okay. This isn't anywhere near okay, and I wouldn't have even had a clue if I didn't see it... Have you done it before?" Marco shook his head. Jean just kept his eyes on him "...Let me help you.. Please, just talk to me.."

  
Marco's mind went crazy for a second. He literally wanted to spill everything to him. He wanted to confess how in love with Jean he was and tell him how much it was hurting him to be so close, but so fucking far away from him. How painful it was to be ditched and abandoned and just forgotten about whenever Eren was brought up. God, how much it fucking hurt when Eren was even talked about, he wanted to tell him literally everything because Jean was his best friend. He would've told Jean all of these things all the time if they just.. weren't about Jean. His mind was running so fast that he couldn't even stop himself from talking.

  
"You ditch me a lot." Jean blinked, staring at Marco. He didn't say anything, he seemed surprised that anything about him would be brought up. Marco continued. "You blow me off a lot of the time to hang out with Eren, or when we're hanging out, you'll cut it short to see him and.. Like I get that you two are dating but...I miss seeing you, I guess."

  
"..." Jean withdrew his hands from Marco, not sure what to say.

  
"...Bertholdt and I got into an argument last night. It was about his eating habits. I didn't really know what to do, but he said some stuff and I just... I broke, I couldn't..." Marco let out a deep breath. "I'm exhausted, Jean. I don't know how much longer I can be the nice guy.. I just want to quit, and give up on everyone, because it seems no matter how much or how long I care, it's not going to change anything.." His throat swelled up as he recalled the words that Bertholdt threw at him. He just wanted to help him. He wanted him to be healthy, and be happy for himself, but Marco couldn't do it. He couldn't just flick that switch and make Bertholdt love himself. He didn't even know how he could attempt to help him when he couldn't even figure it out himself.

  
"Is this..." Jean started. He cut off and seemed to rethink his words before saying anything else. "Bertholdt's anorexic...And I blow you off...." He wasn't sure what else to say to him. He understood how Bertholdt's problem could wear him out, but he had no idea that he was affecting Marco at all. "Marco..." Jean's voice dropped to almost a whisper. "Do you think I should be with Eren...?"

  
Marco was quiet. His mind was screaming 'No, fuck that guy', but he couldn't bring himself to say it. "...Does he make you happy?"

  
Jean shrugged. "I think so..Yeah."

  
"Then..Yeah, you should be...." Marco trailed off, his voice almost cracking. He inhaled slowly, trying to keep himself from crying. Jean turned to look at Marco.

  
"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I didn't think.. I don't know I guess I didn't realize I was doing that so much. I'll stop blowing you off alright? Unless there's an emergency or something you know."

  
Marco chuckled. "It really doesn't matter Jean, do what makes you happy. You just wanted me to talk..so-"

  
"No, it does matter, I can't sit here and let you tell me I'm part of the reason why this happened., and not do anything about it." Jean said indicating Marco's self injury. "As far as Bertholdt goes.. He needs help Marco. And not the kind of help that you can offer him, he needs to go to therapy or something, He's gonna end up killing himself.. Idunno, I thought you guys were closer than you are I guess. I think we're all just hoping he'll just suddenly eat again..."

  
"Jean..." Marco let his head drop, his forehead landing against Jean's shoulder. "Thank you..." He wanted to tell him it was useless, there wasn't any point to talk to him, but it still in a way felt good. Jean wanted to listen and Marco could go to him if he really wanted to, and it lifted a little bit of the weight off of his shoulders. He felt better, but he still didn't feel good at all. Regardless, it was something.

  
Jean pulled Marco into a hug and smiled. "No problem, asshat."

  
"...Dick." Marco chuckled.

 

* * *

 

"Break up with him."

  
"What? Are you serious? We're fucking in the back and your problem is that-"

  
"Eren." Levi's voice was completely serious. "I don't know what kind of relationship you think this is, but I'm not gonna have a love struck teen come barging in here threatening me because you're playing games with him."

  
Eren rolled his eyes, looking around the small back area they were in for his pants. Levi was already dressed and tidying himself up, waiting for the red tint to his skin to subside before even thinking about stepping into his classroom. "Fine, whatever, I'll break up with him. It's not like he cares that much anyway."

  
Levi cocked an eyebrow. "Are you kidding me? From what you've been telling me, the only reason you haven't is because you know you're gonna break his heart. Which- actually. Can you explain how cheating was going to make that any easier?"

  
"Shut up, will you?" Eren scoffed, slipping into his jeans and buttoning them up. He found his shirt and tossed it around in his hand for a minute before finding the right way to wear it and slipping it on.

  
Levi shook his hands in the air like he was trying to dry them off. "Ugh, my hands feel fucking gross, I need.." He trailed off, looking himself over and making sure he was safe to exit the storage area. He was looking around for something to wipe his hands with when a sound from outside the door was heard. Levi froze and Eren looked over his shoulder to his teacher.

  
"Levi...?"

  
It was fucking Erwin. Of course.

  
Levi shooed Eren away into a corner, throwing his hoody at him as well, while he headed towards the door. He cracked it open slightly and slid his body out of the opening, shutting the door behind him. "What the hell do you want?"

  
"Oh, I thought you went home for a moment." Erwin smiled.

  
Levi immediately went for the sink that was in the corner of the room. He pumped a lot more pumps of soap than needed, and began washing his hands. "Nope, going over the last minute assignment hand ins."

  
Erwin chuckled. His personality seemed a bit off from his normal charismatic mood. He had a folder in hand that Levi noticed. Levi grabbed paper towel to dry his hands off and pointed at the brown folder. "What's that? You taking home some last minute work?"

  
"Uh..." Erwin was quiet for a moment. He flipped it over in his hands before looking off to the side. "Yeah, something like that..." Levi raised an eyebrow. Erwin cleared his throat before speaking again. "So.. You know that teacher? The one I brought up before?"

  
Levi rolled his eyes. "Erwin, please, not this subject again."

  
"Ah, no, they're trying to find a teacher to replace him. And it's math too, kinda funny."

  
"Oh god. I'd rather be fired than have to work down at that school." Levi stated, tossing the wet paper towel into the trash bin.

  
Erwin went quiet. He looked around the classroom and then back to Levi. "...I should let you get back to your paperwork."

  
The blond gave a forced smile and turned on his heel and left, the brown envelope still under his arm. Levi was in all honesty happy that the visit was short, but he had to say that was probably the most out of character Erwin he had ever seen. There was definitely something that he didn't tell him. Levi pondered on it for a moment before brushing it off and turning to release Eren from his uncomfortable position. He'd figure out sooner or later what that was about.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're just gonna get it out of the way that I am in no way, good at writing smut. I tried in this chapter but.. Well, yeah, you'll see.

Jean's hazel eyes were focused on the stainless steel knife he kept turning over in his hand. He was at Eren's house right now, sitting on his couch with him, his arm along the ledge of the couch. Eren had his head propped against his arm. He flipped the knife over in his hand, his eyes catching onto the little brownish color that was slowly flaking off the edge of the blade.

  
"...So yeah, until that's out of the way, I'm not gonna be able to hang out as much..." Eren brought his gaze up to Jean and saw how little attention he was paying to him. "Hey!" He called, slapping Jean's thigh to grab his attention. Jean flinched and turned to him, looking surprised. "Were you even listening?" He asked.

  
"Ah," Jean breathed. "Yeah, tests and school and stuff, I got it."

  
"Well, it'd be nice if you'd respond."

  
"Whatever," Jean rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the knife in his hand. Eren looked irritated, huffing as he threw himself back into the couch. His teal eyes landed on the knife Jean was so focused on.

  
"Why do you keep playing with that?"

  
"..." Jean was quiet for a moment. He pulled his arm out from under Eren's head and then folded the blade back. "..Marco....um.. Look, if I tell you, don't go telling everybody, alright?" Eren nodded. "He cut himself, with this knife so..." He trailed off.

  
Eren stared for a moment before a smile broke out on his lips. He started laughing, Jean turning to him in shock. "How the fuck is that funny?"  Jean questioned.

  
Eren's laughter cut off, but there was still a smile on his lips. "Oh come on," He started. "What the hell does Marco have to deal with? What could be so hard in his life that he would feel the need to do that?"

  
"Why does he have to have a reason to?" Jean stated.

  
Eren rolled his eyes and sighed. "Whatever, forget it, sorry I laughed. Geesh."

  
Jean stared at him in disbelief. He couldn't believe that he was actually being this much of an asshole right now. How in the hell could anyone think something like that was funny? Eren took a glance at Jean and saw that he definitely wasn't satisfied with the answer he gave.

  
Eren took in a breath and turned to him, completely serious this time. "Jean..Sorry. I shouldn't have laughed, that kind of stuff... Idunno it just makes me uncomfortable."

  
The taller of the two tried to decipher if he was actually sincere about the apology and after a moment decided he was. Jean rubbed his eyes. "That was kind of fucked up, Eren. Especially from you."

  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Eren chuckled, leaning in closer towards him.

  
Jean pulled his hand away from his face and smirked at him. "Well, remember your younger days? You know back when we first started dating? You used to cry all the time over the stupidest shit."

  
Eren's face turned a bright red. "Ahh! That's because I was angry! I cry sometimes when I get really angry."

  
"Yeah, yeah," Jean fanned him off and then got back to his point. "Look, Marco's a nice guy, I mean he's literally the nice guy. All he wants to do is help, and I think he's just...feeling like there's no one left to help and it makes him feel empty."

  
"That sounds like an addiction." Eren commented.

  
"Well, idunno. It's like how you used to cry. You couldn't help it, I mean, if you could, I know you wouldn't have cried in front of me because you dropped my birthday gift and broke it before I could open it."

  
"Ohh my god, don't bring that up." Eren buried his face into his hands, completely embarrassed. "I get it, Stop making me feel bad now. "  
Jean let out a sigh and then took the knife that was still in his hands and set it on the coffee table in front of them. "I don't know what to do about it.. Kinda just want to forget about it for right now, think about it later." He drew in a breath, glancing out of the corner of his eyes at Eren. He looked nice today, with his long sleeved shirt and simple jeans. His hair was brushed and pushed out of his face, his skin having a nice glow to it. Jean smiled to himself, leaning closer to him and pecking his cheek.

  
Eren cocked an eyebrow at him and smiled. "What's that all about, hn?" He asked, slipping his hand over Jean's thigh. Jean smirked to the touch, sliding his hand over Eren's and pulling it further down his inner thigh.

  
"I guess I just missed you." Jean commented, his face hinting at something more.

  
Eren shifted his position, leaning in closer towards Jean and running his hand over his crotch, rubbing at it gently. He placed his lips against Jean's neck, kissing at it and working his hand on him. Jean's face started to flush, his body's nerves responding positively to the touch. He took in a hitched breath, pushing his groin into Eren's hand. Eren responded teasingly, removing the pressure of his hand away from his crotch while kissing down his neck. He used his chin to push Jean's collar out of the way and began suckling the nape of his neck. Jean's body jittered to his touch, his nerves shooting through his most sensitive areas. He leaned his head back, allowing more access to his neck.

  
Eren ran his finger up Jean's crotch, feeling along his dick as he slid his fingers under Jean's waist band, going directly for his half-hard penis. Jean slouched his waist down in his seat, trying to angle it better so that his pants didn't restrict any movement. The brunette worked at his neck, sucking and nipping at it in numerous spots, while rocking his hand along his shaft. It only took a few more strokes for Jean to become fully erect now, his penis twitching every time Eren lifted his hand even slightly and relieved any pressure. Eren pulled away from his neck, leaning towards his face and kissing Jean directly on the lips. He slid his fingers over the head of his cock, thumbing his head and spreading his pre-cum over the tip of his penis. Jean winced for a moment, pulling away from the kiss and huffing out a soft moan. He bit his lip and rolled his head before groaning. "Hang on.." He huffed out, grabbing Eren's forearm and pulling it out from his pants.

  
"Too tight...?" Eren questioned, assuming he would need to drop his pants.

  
Jean shook his head, bringing Eren's hand close to his mouth, holding it out. He spat into his palm. "Too dry."

  
"Aw, ew Jean, that's gross.." Eren's lip turned up in disgust while Jean's face was deadpanned. Eren lathered the spit around in his hand, catching his face. "What?"

  
"You... You've had my dick in your mouth before. We've made out more times than either of us can count, hell you usually swallow when I do get a blow job, and-- We were literally just kissing two seconds ago." He pulled Eren's hand up to his mouth again and spat in it for a second time. "That is what grosses you out?"

  
Eren rolled his eyes. "At least let me use my own spit." He slid his hand back down Jean's pants, instantly slicking him up. Jean's eyes rolled back and his neck fell against the back of the couch. He breathed out a moan, Eren stroking him, squeezing gently as he slid up his cock. Jean's cheeks were flushed, his skin on fire. Each stroke sent gentle pleasure through him, his heart pounding in his rib cage. He looked over at Eren's face, who had been watching him. He stared into his deep teal colored eyes, the way the light hit them right now brought out the green in them, the mixed color of blue and green twisting through them. He dragged his eyes away from his and tore apart every aspect of Eren's body with his own. He followed every curve of his skin and each crease of his clothes. He watched as the muscle in Eren's arm tensed each time he stroked him.

  
Jean wanted Eren so badly right now. He huffed out a husky breath barely keeping himself from moaning. He decided now he was going to have him and he wasn't waiting any longer. He took his arm and pushed against Eren's shoulder's, shoving him on his back on the couch. Eren's eyes widened in surprise, Jean latching his hands around his thighs and spreading them enough so he could fit his body in the gap. He pressed his crotch against Eren's, hovering over him. "I'm toppin' this time."

  
"-Wait," Eren started, looking around frantically. "We should at least go to our room, I don't know when Connie's gonna be home."

  
Jean smirked, grinding against Eren again. "Well that just makes things more exciting, doesn't it?" He leaned down to kiss Eren only for the brunette to turn his head to the side.

  
"But this is his couch man."

  
"Good. Fuck Connie."

  
Eren didn't have any other argument left in him, making a mental note to check out the window for any shadows in case he did end up coming home soon. Jean slid his hand up Eren's shirt, peeling the clothing off of him and latching his lips onto Eren's after the shirt was tossed to the side. Eren kissed back, their mouths clashing against each other's, Jean's hips rolling into his, the pressure from his erection rubbed against Eren's half erect one, encouraging it. He knew Jean was always hot about doing it in places they could get caught in, but Eren really didn't want to be sprawled out on a couch and having Connie of all people be the one to walk in and see it.

  
"Jean..." He whined, breaking away from the kisses for a moment. Jean's eyes were full of lust and he looked damn annoyed that Eren was even interrupting him right now. "There's no lube out here, let's just go to the room."

  
"..." The man on top of him tsk'd, pushing himself off of him. He looked over their surroundings, trying to find some kind of substitute for the lube. After being disappointed, Jean sat up, letting Eren free.

  
Eren stood from his spot and headed towards the hallway, encouraging Jean to follow him. It didn't take long for the taller man to go after him, following him into his bedroom. After they made it into the room, Jean gripped onto Eren's arm, spinning him around and locking their lips together. Their lips flickered off one another's, tongues pushing softly into each other.

  
Eren worked his hands around the edge of Jean's shirt, pulling the cloth off of him, and breaking their contact. The shirt was tossed carelessly to the floor, Eren's hands gripping around Jean's neck, pushing their lips together once again. Jean's hands found their way to his lover's hips, gently guiding him backwards and onto his bed.

  
Eren's body fell backwards, landing softly against the cushioned mattress, his boyfriend's hands working with unbuttoning his pants. Jean jerked Eren's pants down his thighs and pulled them past his ankles, chucking the clothing out of his way and staring down at the mess in front of him. Eren looked shy, his face was flushed and his arms were bent inward, almost to hide his naked body. His gaze was off to the side, looking at nothing in particular. Jean climbed back over Eren's body and used his hand to pull Eren's face towards him. They embraced each other, Jean's lips hovering over Eren's, his breath numbing his lips. "Where's the lube?"

  
Eren bit his lip and then nodded towards the edge of the bed. Jean immediately jumped off of him and went for it, blindly looking for it with his hand. After fumbling around for it, his hand finally made contact with the bottle and he pulled himself upright. He returned to his previous position hovered over Eren and spread Eren's thigh's apart, pushing it forward so his ass was angled towards him. Jean used his thumb to flick open the bottle of lube, and then turned the bottle over in his hand, pouring a small amount onto his finger tips. He played with it for a moment, making sure it was all over his fingers before bringing them to Eren's entrance. The brunette tensed for a moment, the cold touch of the lube making his muscles clench.

  
Jean ran his fingers around the hole, not pushing in at all, and just coating the entrance. He spent a minute circling him, and then brought his hand back for more lube. He coated his fingers again and this time slowly pushed a finger into Eren.

  
Eren's heart was pounding hard in his chest, his ears burning red, and his face on fire. He felt embarrassed right now, and he felt like a stranger to Jean. He couldn't quite explain it, but it didn't feel right at all, and it definitely didn't feel like these two had been in a three year long relationship and had probably seen each other naked more times than they could count. He didn't feel comfortable at all, he felt completely bare in front of him and vulnerable. He supposed it might have been due to his guilt for cheating on him with Levi, the feeling in his stomach making him want to stop immediately.

  
"Hn..." Jean's face was confused, staring down at Eren as he scissored around his entrance. "You're already pretty loose.."

  
Eren's face turned a shade darker than it already was. He could feel the guilt coming out now, and he was terrified that Jean could somehow tell that he was cheating on him from that one thing. "Well... What're you waiting for then?" He cooed. Trying to draw attention away from that.

  
Jean smirked, removing his fingers and bringing his hips closer to Eren. His hands went around his pant's, pulling them down towards his thighs, exposing himself. He went for the bottle of lube for a third time now, pouring a small amount onto his hand and slicking his penis with it. After prepping himself, he held his dick towards Eren's hole and slowly slid himself in. His breath hitched when the muscle clamped around him. Eren's face contorted into a mix of being uncomfortable and pleasured at the same time.

  
Jean held his position for a moment, his self control testing him with how badly he wanted Eren. He slowly pulled himself out and paused for a moment before pushing in again. Eren's eyes clamped shut, his mouth hanging open. He let out a huff of air, his hands finding their way into Jean's hair and gripping it. Jean tried to pick up signals from Eren on whether it was too much or not, his body gestures leaving him clueless.  
He decided to pace himself and leaned down onto Eren's body. He dragged his lower lip along his collar bone, pressing a kiss against the curve. His stomach clenched up as he pulled out of him again slowly and hovered for a moment, looking up and catching Eren's soft face. He watched as he slid into him, Eren's eyes fluttering open, and foggy. He let out a soft moan, twisting his lover's hair in between his fingers and pressing his hips down into Jean's to show he wanted more.

  
Jean pulled back to the motion, a smirk on his face. He brought his lips over Eren's nipple, licking the nub and pushing into him again. He dragged his teeth over his nipple, giving a soft bite and throwing his hips into Eren. The brunette's legs spread further apart, his hips trying desperately to push against Jean's for friction, but he wouldn't allow it. Any time Eren pressed into him, Jean pulled away. He brought his face closer to Eren's kissing his lips in even more of a teasing manner than he was with his hips. The brunette arched his body into Jean's, his nerves begging for more pleasure than this weak tease Jean was providing him with. His heart pounded and tingled when Jean's lips ghosted over his ear. His dick twitched with anticipation when he nipped at his earlobe.

  
"Jean..." Eren huffed, releasing his grip from his hair and sliding them down his toned back. "I swear to God...If you don't fuck me soon--Ah!" He cut off in a gasp when Jean threw his hips into Eren, giving him a hard thrust, and causing his body to jolt into him. He was disappointed again when Jean dragged himself out, and held him there.

  
He was going crazy now, and he wanted it so badly. It was similar to how long Levi would drag out the foreplay between them before he got anywhere in him. Levi never gave Eren what he wanted, no matter what it was, he always seemed to do the opposite until Eren was basically begging him to do something to him. That, or Levi would give in just because there wasn't enough time to 'mess around'. Eren's eyes clamped shut again, his hands gliding over every curve of muscle along Jean's back.

  
Jean started pacing himself into Eren now, his self-control weakening as he thrusted into Eren, repeating his movements with a quicker pace.  
Eren's eyes stayed closed. His mind was still wrapped in the memory of his times with Levi, the way Levi worked his hips, and the way his muscles tightened when he knew he was close to finishing. His hands felt over Jean's back, each muscle he felt reminding him of his second lover. His heart sent cringing waves of pleasure threw him each time Jean thrusted into him, his nerves pilling up in his pleasure spots. Eren's mouth dropped open with a loud moan coming out of it, his fingers digging into Jean's back. He loved it, he loved every second of it, and the guilt that he felt only moments ago was completely non existent at the moment. He threw his head back letting out another moan his head still wrapped up in his times with Levi. "Oh-Fuck!" He bit his lip, wanting more, god did he want more of him. "Mmm, Levi- Harder!" Eren's hands found their way back up to the head of hair and it wasn't until everything completely stopped that he realized his mistake.

  
His eyes shot open to a face of disbelief. His heart skipped in fear. He was fucked, he was so fucked. Jean pulled out of him completely, pushing himself off of Eren. "What?"

  
"J-Jean, wait, that was a mistake, I didn't-" He didn't have time to explain, he could see that Jean wasn't going to listen to anything he had to say.

* * *

 

Connie's hands were shaking from how nervous he was as he climbed the staircase to his apartment. He had his friend Sasha with him and he hated himself for how bad his nerves were.

  
He liked Sasha. A lot. As a friend, she was probably the coolest chick that he would ever come across, and they were so much alike it was crazy. He was nervous because it would be the first time she'd ever seen his dorm. He didn't know what to do about it, he was trying to bring her over as a friend and he kept telling himself that too. Connie tried his best to respect her, not because he wanted to date her, but because he was scared to lose her as a friend. The only reason he hadn't made serious a move on her was because of how close they were. Relationships were scary, and as cute as she was to him, he'd much rather have a best friend relationship with her than a romantic one if it meant they couldn't go back to this afterwards.

  
He had gone over in his head all the things he would do and say if he ever did want to go anywhere with her, but it didn't matter what it was that he said, the choice was ultimately hers to make. His face flushed for a moment when they came to the level his room was at.

  
He was nervous about showing her his room because, well, what if she felt pressured to try stuff? What if Sasha decided that she was only comfortable with her first time being with him? He didn't know why his thoughts had gone straight to that but he didn't draw away from it.  
Connie honestly wasn't even sure he would be comfortable being naked in front of her, especially for something romantic. He didn't think he was quite at the level of fitness he wanted to be at to impress her either He wanted to look his best for her if it came down to that. Now, he didn't want to be as ripped as Reiner was, but his stomach barely had any tone to it.

  
Connie found himself in front of the door, Sasha behind him humming and looking over the building they were in. He took in a deep breath reaching a hand out for the door knob.

  
He wanted to have abs, he wanted them toned, and he wanted-

  
Connie's thoughts were cut off when the door in front of him was ripped open and he was greeted with a pair of abs.

  
He wanted a pair like _that_.

  
His eyes trailed up to the stomach to find out who it belonged to and his face dropped. Jean was standing there, his face red with.. He couldn't tell if it was anger or blush but it was red. He had a shirt bawled up in his hand, and it was shaking.

  
Yeah, he was definitely angry.

  
"Ohh..." Connie heard Sasha breathe out as she looked over Jean. Without any actual words being exchanged, Jean shoved past the two and started stomping towards the stairs. Connie turned his head away from Jean and into their dorm, his eyes landing on Eren, tumbling out of his room, slipping on a pair of pants. "Ew, no." Connie's eye twitched when he realized what was going down between the two.

  
Eren ran towards the doorway. "Jean wait! I didn't mean to!"

  
"FUCK OFF, JAEGER!" Jean yelled.

  
"Jean! I'M SORRY!" Eren called back, standing in between Sasha and Connie. "It was a slip-up!"

  
To that, Jean stopped dead in his tracks and spun around on his heel, his eyes holding nothing but fury in them when they locked on Eren. "Slip-up? You want to hear something that was a fucking slip-up?" He started walking towards him now, his body shaking in anger. "Sticking around for you. Trying to actually do something for you. Wondering what the living fuck was wrong with you and trying to let you work it out before asking again." Jean threw his shirt at Eren, causing him to flinch. "You expect me to believe yours was a slip-up?! You expect me to actually trust that you're staying after _every_ fucking day to _study_?!" Connie and Sasha exchanged uncomfortable looks as they found themselves stuck in the hallway with the two. "You expect me to believe you're actually working on your grades and you need every day to study for a class you don't even get any homework in?!" Eren's mouth opened up to protest, but he was cut off before he had the chance to speak. "You don't even have the decency to fucking break up with me first?! To tell me you're fucking your teacher!?" Connie's eyes went wide and he turned to Sasha, who's jaw was dropped. He grabbed her arm and nodded to go into the house, they were clearly involved in something extremely personal right now. Jean's face was twitching, and it was slowly shattering. He was beyond livid with Eren, and maybe he was jumping to conclusions but who calls out the wrong name during sex?

  
"Will you let me explain anything!?" Eren screamed back at him.

  
"I don't want a fucking explanation!" Jean stepped closer to Eren shoving his shoulder. "I want an answer. Did you fuck your teacher?"

  
"Jean, I wasn't trying-"

  
"-NO." Jean cut him off. "Did you _fuck_ your _teacher_?" He took in a breath to calm his nerves. He wasn't sure he was ready to hear the answer, even though he was confident about what it was. "Yes.. Or No?"

  
"..." Eren's arms dropped to his side, his eyes falling to the ground. He didn't have anything else to say. He had nothing that could save him at this point. This was what he wanted anyway, wasn't it? "....Yes.." He breathed.

  
Jean's heart pulsed with a sharp pain. It felt like something had stabbed him, it felt like something in him just broke. He opened his mouth to say something but he didn't have any words. His lip trembled and his eyes watered before he moved again. He brought a hand to his mouth to keep himself from sobbing, as he bent down to pick up his shirt.

  
"Jean..." Eren breathed. He wanted to stop him, to say something to get him to stop hurting.

  
" _No_.." He choked out, his voice cracking. "Don't _ever_ say my name again." He looked at Eren, his eyes red and cheeks already damp with tears. "Don't even look at me again." He didn't give Eren a chance to say anything. He turned on his heel, wiping his face and headed down the stairs, throwing his shirt on as well.

* * *

 

Jean couldn't express how hurt he was. He couldn't express how angry he was. His mind was a mess and his body was even worse. He stormed out of the building, his face soaked in tears. No matter how many times he cleared the tears from his face, they were always replaced. There were people out and they were staring at him. His ears burned red with embarrassment as he tried to hold himself together. He just need to get to his car, and go home.

  
No, he couldn't even go home because Armin would be there. If Armin was there, he'd defend everything that Eren did until he was blue in the face and Jean couldn't handle that right now. He walked through the parking lot, tripping over his feet for a second. There was a girl getting out of her car, watching him concerned as he stormed passed. He wanted everyone to stop staring at him. Fuck, why was everyone outside now of all times. A guy looked as if he was going to stop for him until Jean shot an angry look at him. He dug into his pants pocket, shuffling around for his keys as he approached his car. After unlocking his door, he shoved himself inside and slammed it shut. Jean fumbled with his keys to get them in the ignition, but he kept missing. He couldn't fucking see through all the tears in his eyes. After failing for a third try, he gave up, throwing the keys against the dashboard.

  
He wanted to get away from everyone, he wanted to go home, but he couldn't. He didn't want to be near anything that reminded him of Eren, but he didn't know where to go. He threw his head onto the steering wheel, letting himself cry freely now. He sobbed into his hands, his heart aching. He never thought a break up would be as bad as everyone made it out to be, but right now he didn't think he ever felt a worse pain. He was so upset and angry. He felt stupid. How could he have wasted three years on someone that would do this to him?

  
 _Why_ did Eren do this to him? If he didn't like him anymore, why didn't he just break up with him? Why did he have to lie to him?

  
Jean used the palm of his hands to wipe away his tears again. He had to get himself together so he could get out of here. There was no way he was driving anywhere sobbing. Jean sniffled and tried to take in a breath to calm down, but his breath skipped. He tried again, closing his eyes and breathing in again, his nerves settling down this time. He opened his eyes and gave himself a minute before reaching for his keys. He picked up the car key and pushed it into the ignition, starting it up and backing out of his spot.

  
He needed to go and talk to someone, to get this all out of his system. He needed to make sure he wasn't crazy to be this mad. Maybe he was being irrational? Jean didn't want to think any longer on it, he needed a straight answer from someone, and he knew he could only get that with Marco.

  
He dug into his back pocket, pulling out his phone. After coming to a stop, Jean went through his contacts. The first name that popped up was Eren's with a heart next to it, and Jean's feeling were stirred up all over again. He wanted to throw his phone at that point, but took in a breath and went for Marco's. He brought the phone to his ear after hitting the dial button and waited for the man to pick up.

  
_"Hello? Jean?"_

  
"He-hey" Jean choked. He wanted to slap himself for still crying, he was trying to stay together here and he couldn't even do it over a phone call.

  
Marco was quiet for a moment. _"....Are you crying..?"_ He questioned.

  
"Marco.....I need you... Please tell me you're free." Jean felt tears swell up in his eyes again, and his voice cracked. He was about to cry again, he could feel it. His heart thudded painfully in his chest as he waited for his friend's answer.

  
_"Yeah, no of course. I'm about to get out of class though, so-"_

  
"I-I can pick you up. I'm r-right around the corner."

  
 _"...Alright."_ Marco's voice sounded concerned, but he didn't seemed confused at all. Jean wondered if he already knew the general idea of what had happened. _"I'll see you when you get here then. I'm at the Liberal Arts building, by the way."_

  
"Thank you..." Without another word, Jean ended the call and tossed his phone into the passenger's seat. He pulled out of the complex and headed towards their school. All he had to do was make it for only a few minutes longer and then he'd get to see Marco.


	12. Chapter 12

"So...Lemme get this straight... You wanted to break up with Jean, because of... what ever reason, _couldn't_ , then got mad at _him_ for not breaking up with you after acting like a total asshole, and _then_ to really make sure he wouldn't want to see you again, _cheated_ on him, and you want me to give you _advice_?"

  
"Armin,--"

  
"-No." The blond cut off his friend from speaking. "Eren, that's just wrong. I'm sorry but Jean has every right to be pissed off at you, hell, he should be _angrier_ than he is at you." Armin put his head in his hands, completely stressed out on what to do. He let out a sigh. "I-I just don't get it. I literally can not figure out what the hell in your brain made you think that that was an okay thing to do. You don't mess with someone's feelings like that, Eren."

  
"I get it! I didn't want it to happen this way, I wanted it to be over from the beginning-!"

  
"-Then _why_ didn't you break up with him in the beginning?" Armin asked rhetorically.

  
Eren scoffed. "It's harder than you think."

  
"So Jean deserves to be in all that pain because it's too hard for you? He deserves to fall out of a three year relationship by finding out that his boyfriend was fucking his teacher?!" Armin threw his hands up. "Oh and don't even get me started on you and Levi-"

  
"-Will you stop being an asshole?!" Eren shouted, cutting his friend off.

  
Armin stared at him, completely unimpressed. "Eren. I don't think you really understand how wrong you are. This wasn't just some big mistake, this was you being the biggest asshole on the planet." Eren threw his face into his hands, aggravated. Armin kept on. "Honestly, I don't think I've ever lost so much respect for you as I have right now."

  
"Armin..." Eren pulled his face out of his hands. "What do I do..? How do I make this right?"

  
"That's what you're not getting, Eren. You _can't_. It's why people don't do it in the first place." Armin ran his hand through his hair, thinking. "Jean is never going to forgive you for this, he's not the kind of person that just forgets things. He probably won't ever want to even look at you after all of this blows over." He bit his lip in thought. "Honestly, if you want things to be even remotely okay between you two, you're going to have to explain to him why you did it, and no exaggerations or lying. Tell him you cheated because you wanted him to break up with you."

  
"Are you kidding me? How the hell am I supposed to even get anywhere near him to talk?" Eren's face was one in disbelief. "If I come anywhere _close_ to him, he'll want to strangle me before I can even do anything."

  
"You got a phone, don't you? Tell him in a text message, or try to coax him into meeting up with you somewhere. You're not going to fix anything, but you might, _just might_ be able to get him to at least acknowledge you in the future." The blond suggested.

  
Eren let out a long breath, letting his head fall onto the table in the cafeteria the two were sitting in. "Why did I think this was going to be easier..?"

  
"Why did you think at all, is my question." Armin mocked.

* * *

 

 

Sitting in the mall's parking lot was definitely one of the best places to be for people watching. Girls and guys would climb in and out of their cars, entering and exiting the many doors to the large shopping center, bags and bags of items purchased within an hour's time from all over the place. Marco's eyes were staring out the window at a group of young teenagers that were obnoxiously loud by one of the entrances. He watched them throw something on the ground, and holler loudly in the aftermath. Marco blinked, turning his head away from the outside and looking at the driver.

  
Jean was quiet. Really quiet. Probably the quietest Marco had ever seen him before. He had just picked Marco up from school about twenty minutes ago now, and they hadn't even said anything to each other. The freckled man felt pretty sure that he knew what was up. He assumed that something must've happened between Eren and him, but he didn't know what. Marco looked over Jean's features, taking note that he was still crying, his eyes empty as they stared mindlessly at the dashboard. He looked dead inside.

  
"Jean..." Marco started in a hushed tone. "Look, it'll be alright." He turned in his spot to face his friend now, watching as his lip quivered when he spoke to him. Marco didn't know what to do. His heart ached seeing Jean like this. He had never seen him so hurt before, and he really wished he knew why so he could at least try to help him. He looked over at the dashboard, wracking his brain for something else to say. "...Do you want to talk about it..?"

  
"..." Jean's breath hitched, his grip on the steering wheel loosening as he went to speak. "..Eren cheated on me." Marco's eyebrows went up in surprise, completely unsure of what the right thing to say next was. "I told him we were done...So..." his voice trailed off.

  
"Jean.. .I don't know what to say, I'm sorry."

  
"It's not your fault..." Jean's voice sounded broken. Marco's heart clenched tightly in his chest. He wanted to make the pain go away for Jean, but he didn't know how to. His gaze fell down to his hands, staring at them. He turned his scarred up hand over and pondered on the bright red cuts that peeked out the edge of his sleeves. He didn't want this to happen to Jean, he didn't want him to feel this desperate for relief. His dark eyes trailed back over to his friend and watched as his chest skipped when he took in a breath. Marco wondered just how much pain he was in right now, and how long it would last.

  
He wish he had answers for Jean, he wish he knew the right thing to say, but Marco didn't know a single thing about relationships. He had never been in one, and before him and Bertholdt did things, he hadn't ever done anything. The most he could get away with was that Jean and him used to hold hands when they were little and that was just because they were dumb kids. If he tried that shit on Jean now-  
Without thinking, Marco's cut up hand reached out for Jean's pale one. He slid his fingers over his white knuckles, encouraging him to loosen his grip on the steering wheel. Jean's fingers slid off of the steering wheel and into Marco's palm. The dark haired man gently brought it down in between their seats, turning it upright and brushing his thumb over Jean's thin and long fingers. Jean's eyes were focused on their hands, his tears falling a little less as he used his free hand to wipe them off his red cheeks. Marco brought his other hand and just held Jean's in his. He looked up to his sandy-haired friend, brown eyes locking onto hazel ones. "Do you remember.. The other day, the things you said to me?" A soft smile decorated his lips. "You told me I was great, I was honest, I was selfless..Well, it didn't mean much to me at the time. I don't see it that way, and you could show me all the proof in the world and I probably still wouldn't believe you..." Marco's heart thudded hard against his ribcage. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears. "But when I look down at my hand.. And I see these cuts.. And I saw how affected you were by them, I started to trust your words." He turned Jean's hand over in his and slid his sleeve down to reveal his smooth wrist. "Your arms are clean. They're empty, but you're covered in cuts right now. It's not fair what Eren did to you, but I don't want you to suffer over it..." Marco's eyes captured every detail of this moment with his best friend. His crush. His biggest love in the entire world. The dimming sunset brought out Jean's glowing skin, his tears shimmering in the drastic light. His hair looked soft and in disarray from his hands tangling through them throughout the day. The shadow on his face brought out all of his best features. He was a hopeless wreck but he was beautiful. Marco got to see him like this, no one else did. Marco got to be the one that was here for him, not any one else. He got to be here right now in this moment to see how painful and gorgeous Jean was, and no one could take that away from him. "Jean..." Marco's breath was caught in his throat. There were so many things he wanted to say to him, but he was so nervous, so scared. Just speak, that's all he had to do. Just speak. "You're the single, biggest asshole I have ever come across in my life. You're a dick, and you're harsh, but I know it's because you're playing off your confidence with it. You're too scared to be liked so you keep that from happening, and...I don't know why I got to be lucky enough to befriend you but I wouldn't give it up ever." Marco's eyes fell downward, his face turning red. "You're the greatest person I got the chance to meet... You act tough, and you really care even though you pretend not to. You wouldn't be hurting so much if you didn't have a good heart. I'm sorry Eren hurt you. I'm sorry your three years together ended in such an unpleasant way. I wish I could make you feel better..."

  
"Marco.." Jean withdrew his hand from him and leaned back in his seat, his hands on his lap. "..." Jean remained quiet, his eyes empty and unfocused. Marco's heart sank, his hands feeling empty without Jean's there. He wanted to say more, but what else was there to say? "Thank you..." He turned to face Jean,seeing him turned towards the window. "I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now.. I don't even know if I'm really hurt, or I'm just mad..I just can't figure out what I did wrong.."

  
"You didn't do anything wrong, Jean." Marco jumped in his seat, wanting to pull him into a hug, but not having the courage to. "Absolutely none of this was your fault. Eren made those choices and you have to suffer with them."

  
"Then..what made him make those choices? What changed between us?" Jean questioned.

  
Marco's eyebrows scrunched together in worry. "I wish I could tell you. I really do, but don't blame it on yourself."

  
"Hn..." Jean's gaze was still focused out of the window.

  
Marco's heart bumped hard, he could feel it's powerful pulse screaming in his ears and expanding in his throat. He loved Jean, and he absolutely hated seeing him this way. He wanted to tell him so badly, and now, he had the chance to. He had the chance to confess his feelings to Jean because he wouldn't be getting in the way of his relationship anymore. He bit his lip, honestly thinking about it, but then remembering that this was about Jean, and not him. He was trying to make him feel better, not claim him because he was single now.  
"I think I'm gonna go home now..." Jean breathed.

  
Marco's body fell in disappointment. No, he wasn't ready to leave him yet. He didn't want him to go, not when he was still feeling this bad. Marco smiled. "Are you sure? We could always do something to help make you feel better...?"

  
"Yeah....I'm just gonna drink myself to sleep tonight.. Figure shit out tomorrow."

  
A worried look took over Marco's features. He turned his head to the side, knowing that nothing he said affected him that much. He bit his lip, he wish he had something left to do, but he didn't. He couldn't give him the advice he wanted, or the help he needed. "Just.. Just be careful.."

  
"Eh." Jean leaned forward and reached for the ignition, turning the key in it's spot and starting the car. Without another word, he pulled out of his spot and went off to drop his friend off.

* * *

 

"-Dude, I'm telling you, _no joke_ , that's what happened. Sasha was there! She can back me up."

  
"I'll be honest, I was paying attention to the abs more than anything." Sasha commented, shrugging her shoulders. She was sitting next to Connie at a park's picnic table, Reiner and Bertholdt sitting across from them.

  
"Wait, wait. Were they actually, fucking or like...?" Reiner asked, an eyebrow raised.

  
Connie made a disgusted face. "Don't ask me that! I haven't even gotten to the main part yet."

  
"Well get over the fucking abs and get to it." The blond commented, plopping his chin on his hand.

  
"Alright, so, I'm taking Sasha up to the apartment, to go play games and shit, you know, the usual. And before I get to open the door, there's Jean, all shirtless and _pissed_ the _fuck_ off, like I said earlier." Connie leaned in closer to the four of them. "I mean absolutely livid. His face was red, and his body was shaking and shit, it was bad. So Eren comes running after him, pulling his pants up and screaming at him that he's 'Sorry' and 'it was a slip-up!' "

  
"Yeah...?" Reiner encouraged.

  
Connie waited a moment before saying anything else. "The dude fucked up when they were gettin' it on. Said someone else's name, and it made Jean _furious_." Connie made sure to emphasize on the last word. Sasha nodding in agreement.

  
"Alright, what's the point?" Reiner asked, irritated.

  
"Hang on, Hang on, I'm gettin' there!" Connie fanned at Reiner, hushing him. "So Jean comes spinning around, like seriously so angry I swear he was about to go hulk and he _tears_ Eren _apart_. I mean, the poor guy could barely make it into his room without cryin' afterwards-"

  
"-He didn't, actually." Sasha cut in.

  
"Yeah, yeah. Well before we went inside, Jean was yelling about him fucking up and you know what else?"

  
Bertholdt listened in on the conversation, feeling uncomfortable with them gossiping about someone else's misfortune. Reiner prompted him to go forward.

  
"Eren cheated."

  
There was a silence between the four of them, Reiner's face turning into one of confusion. "With....who though?" He mumbled.

  
"His teacher." Sasha answered. The two exchanged looks before turning back to Bertholdt and Reiner.

  
"Jean's not.. Still with him, is he?" Bertholdt asked.

 

Connie smirked and shook his head. "Nope. I don't think Jean's ever gonna look at Eren again from what we heard. "

  
Sasha agreed with him. "He was _maaadd._ I don't remember what he said exactly, but it was like some movie killer shit." Sasha puffed out her chest and held her shoulders out to imitate a manly posture. "It was like 'You don't get to speak my name'. And then BOOM!" She made an explosion gesture with her hands. "No more relationship."

  
Reiner looked surprised. "Wow.. I'm... Kind of shocked.. I mean those two dated for so long.. I know they were having a kind of rocky time recently but.. They're done? Eren cheated?" He turned to look at Bertholdt. "You think Marco knows about this?"

  
Bertholdt pulled out his phone and checked for any messages from him. He didn't think Marco would tell him anyway, with how the two had been ignoring each other recently, but he wanted to make sure. "Probably.. I mean, who else would Jean go to..? Unless he didn't go to anyone."

  
"Ten bucks says those two are gonna be the new thing." Connie smirked slapping a hand on the table.

  
Sasha shook her head in disagreement. "No way, twenty says these two will beat them to it. "

  
"Oohhh yeah!" The buzzed-cut man turned to look at the pair in front of him. "What is the status on you two right now, anyway?"

  
Both of their faces went red, Bertholdt turning away and immediately playing with his sleeves. Reiner held his hands up in defense. "Nu-uh man, No way, there's nothing between us, alright?"

  
"Aw, why not?" Sasha asked pouting. "What's wrong with Bertholdt?"

  
Bertholdt's ears perked to the question, his heart raced, wondering what Reiner would say. He had no idea if Reiner was saying any of this to get himself off the radar, or if he actually meant it. He felt like it was the later.

  
"Nothing! He's just not my type, alright?" Reiner shrugged his shoulders. Bertholdt's insides felt like they just snapped. His heart cringed as it hung on every word he said. "He's too tall and waaaayy too skinny."

  
There was a silence in the air as the duo in front of them both stared at the tall man's frame. Sasha's eyes scrunched in worry and Connie awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. Bertholdt's throat felt like it was going to close on him, and he could feel his eyes watering up. He looked the other way, taking a moment to compose himself.

  
Reiner felt the tension in the air and immediately tried to fix his mistake. "Besides.. Who said I was into guys anyway?"

  
"Your list of non-existent girlfriends." Sasha snapped. Connie snorted, exchanging and hand slap with her.

  
"Not to mention your 'manly' cover up." Connie added.

  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Reiner choked.

  
"Oh please," The brunette haired girl fanned a hand at him and rolled her eyes. "What straight guy _actually_ cares that much about his muscles? Not to mention, what straight, _nice_ , built and attractive looking guy _doesn't_ have a girlfriend?"

  
"Gayyy." Connie declared while Sasha nodded.

  
Reiner rolled his eyes. "Why do I even hang out with you two..?"

  
Bertholdt's thoughts were still swarming on what Reiner had said. His heart hurt every time it pumped blood through his body and his shoulders suddenly felt heavier. Too skinny? He was too skinny? Bertholdt looked down at his hands, turning them over and looking down his sleeves at his forearms. It was nothing but bone. He could see it, but it didn't change how he felt. He was ugly, and hideous and the only way to fix that was to be skinnier, right? But now he was too skinny? Was he blind?

  
Bertholdt's head pounded, a headache arriving at the worst time. He didn't feel good all of a sudden, his body feeling faint like it had in his art class the other day. He brought a hand to his forehead and then looked back at their cars. He didn't want to ask Reiner to take him home early, but he didn't want to be here anymore. His head was spinning and all the noise from them talking wasn't helping him either. He needed.. .Water, that's what he had last time right? He needed something or he was gonna pass out again. Bertholdt started reaching his hand out for the table, but it felt like the further he reached, the further away the table became. His hand was shaking and cold, he felt like he was falling. Bertholdt gave up on looking for the table and instead tried to grab something to keep balance. He reached for Reiner's arm, his body falling backwards as he did so.

  
"-Bertholdt?!" Reiner jumped to seeing his body fall past him. He immediately reached out and gripped his arm, keeping his head from hitting the ground. Reiner stood up, pulling Bertholdt out from the bench and laying him down on the grass. Connie and Sasha both immediately came to his side in case he needed any assistance. Bertholdt's eyes were rolled to the back of his head, his body cold and shaking slightly. Reiner looked around for any water, but there wasn't any. He turned to his two friends, while swooping Bertholdt's unconscious body up in his arms. "I'm taking him to a hospital.."

  
"I-is he gonna be okay?" Sasha stuttered. Reiner didn't stick around to answer her question. He turned around and immediately headed for his car, trying to make sure Bertholdt's head didn't bounce around too much.

* * *

 

Bertholdt's eyes fluttered open, his head pounding and sight filled with a long road in front of him. His body jumped up in panic, not recognizing where he was when his vision took in the car he was in. It was Reiner's, and it was moving. He turned his head to the driver's seat, and sure enough, Reiner was driving it. "W-Where are we going..?" Bertholdt questioned, causing Reiner to jump a bit. He looked at him for a second and then turned back to the road.

  
"Hospital."

  
"What!?" Bertholdt shot up in his seat, facing Reiner. "No, No! I-I don't need to go to a hospital! I'm fine, I was jus- I was dizzy, that's all!"

  
Reiner's face tensed as Bertholdt rambled off any excuse he could think of. He pulled his car off to the side and slammed on his breaks, causing both of their bodies to fall forward for a moment. Bertholdt's eyes went wide, his hands clutching onto the seatbelt that was across his chest. " _Fine_!?" Reiner spat, slamming his car into park and killing the ignition. He turned to Bertholdt, his face angry. Reiner reached across the space between the two of them and pulled at the hem of his shirt, pulling it up enough for his stomach to show. "You think _this_ is just _fine_!?" Bertholdt's body froze as Reiner exposed him. His eyes swelled up and his mouth hung open. He was so far out of his comfort zone right now, he felt like he could die and he would be okay with it. "You're not fine Bertholdt, you're fucking dying! This is the second time you've passed out on just me and it's because you're starving yourself!" Reiner slapped a hand to his forehead, letting out a sigh. "I'm not going to watch you kill yourself, you're going to the hospita-"

  
"-Please! Don't take me there!" Bertholdt sobbed, his hands trembling as they gripped onto the strap across him. "I-I'll stop. I'll eat anything! Whatever you want me to eat, just please don't take me there."

  
Reiner's blue eyes looked over at Bertholdt's guilt washing over him as he saw him crying. He was like a cowering mouse. It was sad. The blond argued with himself on whether or not he should give him a second chance. Bertholdt's eyes slammed shut, tears overflowing. "P-please don't.."

  
Reiner let out a huff of air. He turned his car back on, and looked in his mirrors as he pulled out from the side of the road and turned around, heading back in the direction he came from. Bertholdt's heart settled just a little bit, but he was still shaken up. Reiner already felt regret washing over him with his decision. "There's one condition." Bertholdt's eyes shot over to the blond. "You're gonna let me feed you. And you're going to keep it in your stomach. The second I hear you skip a meal, or puke it all up, I'm taking you to the hospital."

  
Bertholdt's hands clutched around the seatbelt even more, his knuckles white from how tight his grip was. He didn't say anything but Reiner didn't really give him a choice. It was do as he said or go to the hospital, and frankly, he didn't want to do either.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I haven't been neglecting this story or anything, I just haven't had internet to post what I've done. So, now that I do, this story will have some massive updates :D There's still 40 more pages of this sitting on my computer. Anyway! I'm sorry for how long it took, but there's a lot more to be posted, so I hope you enjoy! Thanks again for reading c:

Marco let out a sigh as he threw his keys onto the kitchen table. He took a glance around the open space in front of him, then reached to the side and flicked a light on. His apartment was filled with an uncomfortable silence. He stripped himself of his jacket and then made his way towards the bathroom, his instincts preparing for a long and exhausting conversation even though he knew that he would only be met with silence. For how often he had come home rushing to the rescue for his friend, it was no surprise that he still checked. His heart skipped as he reached for the doorknob, hoping that maybe it was locked, and maybe his roommate was on the other side of it.

The doorknob turned smoothly until the door clicked open with a creak. Marco's eyes feel to the ground, his heart dropping in his chest.

Bertholdt hadn't been home in such a long time. Marco wasn't sure exactly when because he had often assumed the taller man wasn't there when he had just locked himself in his bedroom without saying anything to him. Still, Marco missed him. He missed being able to talk to him, and as much as he thought he couldn't handle it, Marco missed taking care of him.

Now the place was just too quiet and it reminded him constantly of how lonely he really was. He hated being in his room because his room was just a constant spin of all the things he fooled himself into thinking he loved. Every time he laid in his bed, he just stared at items on the walls and tried so hard to dig into him and find the feelings that made him buy the decorations in the first place.

His games didn't do anything for him. He never felt like playing them. Marco might've occasionally thrown a game in, but he never played it for more than a few minutes. He just had no motive anymore. Bertholdt and Jean were what got him through his days, but now Bertholdt was never around, and Jean didn't want to be bothered. He felt empty. The silence that filled his apartments numbed his feelings, the only thing left to keep him distracted were the shadows on the walls.

Marco's eyes slipped over towards Bertholdt's room, the door closed. He knew no one was on the other side, but he still hoped he was wrong. He took a step towards it and tried the doorknob.

It was unlocked.

He let the knob slip back into place as he ran a hand through his hair. His heart clenched tightly. The thought that maybe Bertholdt killed himself had crossed his mind before, but it was popping up again, and he felt much more worried about it now than he did the first time. It had been so long since the two had talked that Marco felt like at this point, he'd be the last one to hear if anything happened.

He slipped his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his contact list. He pulled open a new message and stared at it. What the hell should he say? What if Bertholdt was still mad at him and just didn't respond? How would he know he was alright? Marco chewed his lip in contemplation, when a rattling noise from the front broke his concentration.He spun his head towards the front door and his heart skipped in relief when he saw the person he was just worrying about.

Bertholdt stood in the doorway awkwardly, his skin pale and his eyes red. His body was shaking slightly. Marco's smile faded away as he stared at his friend. He didn't look good at all.

"...Are you alright...?" He questioned as his friend stepped in. It looked as if it took everything Bertholdt had in him to just nod his head without falling apart. Marco didn't believe him for second and took a step towards him. "What's going on?" He pushed, looking him over again.

Bertholdt's eyes shifted away from Marco. "I'm... I'm just here to grab some things..." he mumbled.

The shorter of the two scrunched his eyebrows together, confused. "Why? For what? You're not leaving, are you?"

"I don't want to..." Bertholdt walked towards his room, moving past Marco without looking at him. Marco watched as he opened his door and went for his drawer. He was grabbing clothes.

"If you don't want to, then why are you?" Marco asked. "Where are you even going?"

"To Reiner's..." Bertholdt mumbled. His hands glided over a shirt in the open drawer in front of him. His eyes stared blankly at them while his body shivered. Marco looked back towards the door, expecting to see the blond there, but he wasn't. The door was shut, and there was no movement from a second party outside of it. The freckled man turned back towards Bertholdt. His lips were trembling. "I-I don't want to go..." He huffed out.

Marco stepped in next to him, his gaze locked onto every expression that Bertholdt left off. "Bertholdt, please.. I.. I know we haven't been talking, but..What's going on? Why do you have to go? Just stay here, I'm not mad at you..." There was a hint of desperateness laced in his words.

Bertholdt shook his head. "Reiner's making me." Marco was about to ask why, but was cut off. "He was gonna take me to the hospital...I begged him not to, but the only way he'd let me, was if I stayed with him for a while..." His voice faded out, and he turned his head to the side. "...and..ate." The words were barely even whimpered out.

Everything came together in seconds once that last word was spoken. Marco's shoulders dropped as he realized that Reiner must've confronted Bertholdt about his disorder. Marco let out a huff as he tried to think of something to say. "That's... I mean, I understand why he's giving you that ultimatum, but that's not right to force you to do anything you don't want to do..." He slid his hand over his friend's and stopped him from grabbing anymore clothes. "If you want to stay here, then stay. Only go if that's something you think you're ready to do."

Bertholdt's eyes locked onto Marco's and the two were quiet for a moment. The silence wasn't awkward, but it wasn't really comfortable either. Neither of them were sure of what it was, but they were both positive that something had definitely changed between the two. It was obvious that they weren't mad at each other anymore, but they were at a new level then they were before. It had become more than just throwing each other's problems on one another, and about helping the other through it.

Bertholdt didn't remove his hand, but he turned his head away for a second time. "Even if I stayed, Reiner would probably be up here in a heartbeat to drag me down there.."

"Is he downstairs?"

"He's waiting in his car.." Bertholdt mumbled.

Marco thought for a moment and then pulled his hand away. "I'm gonna go talk to him."

"What?" Bertholdt's eyes widened in shock, like that was the stupidest thing Marco had ever said. "He's not going to listen to you, he's barely-"

Marco didn't let him get another word out as he left the room and headed for the door. He stepped out into the hallway and skipped down the stairs. He understood completely that Reiner wanted to help, but forcing him to live with him? Even if it wasn't permanently, it was too drastic. Just thinking about it made it seem like Bertholdt would be more of a prisoner than a friend.

As his pace brought him closer to confrontation, the freckled man let his mind roll through different scenarios in his head. He didn't know Reiner as well as Bertholdt did, but if Bertholdt was that uncomfortable about staying with him, it couldn't be good for him.

Maybe Marco was wrong to do this. Maybe Reiner's idea of treatment would be exactly what Bertholdt needed in order to get better? Hell, maybe Reiner would be amazing at it and honestly help him through each minute that he struggled, but every bone in Marco's body was telling him other wise. He knew Reiner was kind, and he knew he was thinking about what was best for Bertholdt, but he also knew that the way Reiner would do it wouldn't work well with Bertholdt at all. Plus.. Bertholdt was probably humiliated enough, if he stayed with him, then regardless of how good Reiner was at supporting him, Bertholdt would probably rather die than be constantly reminded that the person he wanted to impress so hard was seeing him at his weakest.

Marco rushed towards the parking lot, spotting the blond's car right away. He was currently leaning against the door of his drivers side, arms crossed over his chest. The pattering of footsteps drew his attention towards the doorway, expecting to see a tall figure. His eyes didn't falter much when he turned to watch Marco walking towards him. Marco's body shook with nerves for a moment, reminding him of the difference in size between them as he approached the car. After taking in a deep breath, the nerves settled and his thoughts subsided.

Reiner pushed himself off the car and gave a nod. Marco wasn't even sure where to start. He took in a breath, not even returning the polite gesture that the broad man gave him and just went for it. "Reiner...Look, I don't know what happened today but you can't make Bertholdt go with you." He stated, getting right to his point.

"Why not...?" Reiner questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Because.... That's.." Marco hesitated for a moment, wanting the words to come out exactly how he meant it. "It's not right. He's upset, and embarrassed. Whatever happened today, just.. Let it slide. Give him some time."

The blond stared at him for a moment, almost in disbelief. "If you knew what happened, I'm pretty sure you'd let him come with me." He let his arms drop to his side, his patience appearing thin. "The last thing he needs is some time for him to make himself worse. I'd hope you'd think the same way if you were there today."

"He already told me about today.. I mean, sure it wasn't everything but, you can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. You don't understand what that'll do to him -"

"What, keep him from dying?" Reiner cut him off. "You're really trying to stand here in front of me and tell me to let him go?" He took in a breath realizing that his anger was getting the best of him and decided to take a step back. "He passed out today, completely unconscious." The broad man brought a hand to his temple, stressed. "It wasn't even like he came back to right away either, he was out until almost half way to the hospital. You think that's just him feeling faint? You and I both know that's not good. He doesn't eat, he's not getting any form of nutrients, he's fucking killing himself Marco, and you're sitting there letting it happen!." Reiner threw a hand in the general direction of Marco's apartment. " If _someone_ took a little better care of him, he might not be this way."

The words shot through Marco's brain like an arrow, his mind immediately throwing him into defense as he processed the tone of Reiner's voice. "What the hell are you trying to say?"

Reiner glared at the raven-haired man in front of him, his jaw clenching tightly as he gathered his words. "Idunno, maybe that you're definitely not helping him with his problem at all. Hell, you're probably a part of it." He snapped.

Marco's body pulsed with a burn in his veins. He bit his tongue, taking in a breath. His brain processed his anger faster than his reasoning, but he still tried to stay level headed. Pushing his thoughts aside, Marco tried to turn it back to what he originally came to tell him. "You have no right to make him stay somewhere he doesn't want-"

"I'm not asking permission. I'm taking him out of here." Reiner cut in, his voice laced with anger as he closed the space between the two, and shoved Marco's shoulder. The freckled man took a foot backward to maintain his balance, the touch lighting up his veins faster than his heart was. "If he stays here, he's just gonna starve himself to death."

Marco did his best to ignore the shove, but he couldn't ignore the anger that was burning in the hazel eyes that stared down at him. "Reiner, he doesn't want to go with you." He tried to reason.

"Yeah, cause he knows I'm not gonna put up with the shit that you do." The blond's build was intimidating, but Marco didn't waver at all. "If it weren't for you, he'd probably be in a better state." Reiner chuckled, his eyes watching the anger boiling in the man in front of him. "Hell, if it weren't for you, he'd probably be a whole nother person." Marco drew in a deep breath, trying his best to ignore the words that Reiner was speaking. He knew the blond just wanted to win, that's all this was about. He was worried about Bertholdt and was using him as an outlet, a person to blame. "If it weren't for you, I'm sure Bertholdt wouldn't feel the way he-"

"-If it weren't for me, he'd already be dead!" Marco cut him off, his heart pumping a fire in his veins. He did what he could to remain calm but he couldn't stand there and let the blond blame him for everything when he didn't know a thing about what happened between him and Bertholdt. He stood his ground, his eyes challenging the blond to try and prove him wrong. "How many fucking times do you think I have to pull him away from the toilet bowl each day?! How many times do you think that I've walked in to him crying and wailing about killing himself?!" Marco threw his arms at Reiner and shoved him away with a force much stronger than the shove the blond gave him. "How much time do you think I've sat with him, and held him while he was working through his own fucking misery, huh?" Marco closed his eyes in frustration, grabbing his head. He tried to calm himself down, but it just wasn't right. How could Reiner be blaming him for all of this?

"You know, you think that you're just gonna come in here like some knight in shining armor and completely change him, don't you?" Marco questioned. "You think, that by literally forcing him into a new lifestyle, that he's just going to suddenly change and worship you. That Bertholdt's just going to be eating one day with you over his shoulder and suddenly think to himself 'Wow Reiner, I don't know what I was thinking! Eating food has actually completely turned me around!'" Marco fanned his hands in the air, acting overly peppy as he mimicked his friend. "And you know what? You are _so_ wrong." Reiner's mouth hung open slightly as he watched the anger pour out of the man in front of him. "You're gonna bring him to your place like some abused puppy, and you're gonna try to change him, and of course, at first, you'll be patient, but what happens after a couple of weeks and he's not changing? A month goes by and he hasn't made any improvement? A fucking _year_ could go by and nothing?" The two locked eyes as Marco went on. "You're going to be sitting there, realizing that you just don't have it in you to do it anymore. You don't have any more energy or patience for him and you'll give up on him. "

He watched as the blond appeared to block out all of the words he spat at him. A calmer face washed over Reiner, and he let out a sigh, attempting to start the conversation over. "Marco I just want-"

"Just want what? To be some kind of hero for him? Try and give him his own fairytale?"

Reiner groaned, frustrated. "I just don't want to feel guilty, alright?!" He blurted.

Marco stopped completely, his anger subsiding and confusion washing over him. His words and anger were completely lost in his throat as his brain processed the blond's words. "What...?"

"I fucking know, alright!? I know he's a mess, I know he' s just a ticking time bomb, I know he's at the point where neither of us can really help him anymore... and I know how he feels about..." Reiner trailed off, shrugging his shoulder. "...Me." He breathed. Marco wasn't sure what to say. His brain was still processing what Reiner was trying to tell him. "I know he likes me. Everyone knows, it's obvious... It's just like you with Jean..." Marco's heart clenched tightly at the mention of his name. "You think he doesn't know about it? It's written all over your face whenever you're around him. Your whole being just grows into this warm happy mess and...it's....it's what I wanted to do for Bertholdt. It's what I _thought_ I was doing for him."

"I-I-I don't..." The dark-haired man took a breath. "Has...Has Jean actually said.....?" He trailed off.

Reiner rolled his neck. "Marco, I just want Bertholdt to get better. I want him to be stronger and I want him to get there on his own. I thought that because he likes me, I could help him out, encourage him to want to impress me by being better, but now it's turned into this big mess, and everyone's making these assumptions and.. It's probably made him worse."

"Don't you....Like him..?" Marco questioned.

Reiner brought his eyes up to the chocolate pair watching him, his face already showing the answer. "Of course I like him.. But that's it. I _just_ like him. I don't have a crush on him, I'm not trying to be in a relationship, but that's what everyone's expecting now. I feel like even Bertholdt expects it..." Reiner rubbed the back of his neck as he exhaled. The anger that had once filled the air had vanished. "I didn't want to do this to him.. I didn't want him to think that the only way I'd ever find him attractive was by being thin. I just thought that if I spent more time with him, he'd be able to feel as happy as you do when you're around Jean." Reiner rubbed his temples, shaking his head. "Now.. If something were to happen to him..That's on me. All of it. It's my fault, because I made him want us to happen so badly that it destroyed him. It literally could kill him, and I don't want that guilt..."

"How..." Marco mumbled. "How could you just.. Dangle that in front of him? You don't have a clue how highly he thinks of you.... How much hope you gave him..."

"I thought I was helping!" The blond defended. "I honestly thought that he was getting better...Marco, Bertholdt's dying. Neither of us are able to stop that from happening. He's gonna kill himself." The blond's words hung in the air, the realization of how close that time would be swirled around in Marco's head.

His brain went through the time that he spent with Bertholdt, all the nights he came to his side and did what he could to calm Bertholdt down. The nights where Bertholdt held him and poured all of his trust into Marco's hands, it all passed through his brain as he remembered Bertholdt telling him that he wanted to live for Marco. Just as he wanted Marco to live for him. "No..." Marco responded, the memory of one of Bertholdt's bad nights came back to him. He let out a breath. "No, you can't.. But I might. We promised."

"Promised?"

Marco ignored Reiner's curiosity and pointed a finger at him. "Unless you're there to tell Bertholdt exactly what you just told me, I don't think you should be around him anymore."

"..." Reluctantly, the blond nodded in agreement. "I.. I understand." He breathed. Marco let his arm drop to his side as he turned his head back towards the building. "Just..." His eyes shot from the doorway back to his conversation partner. "Just let me be the one to tell him, please? I know you guys talk, but I'd like to be the one to let him down..."

The raven haired man nodded. "I don't think I could tell him anyway..." He turned away from him for a second time, another thought from earlier in their conversation crossed his mind. "Reiner..." He started. "When... When you said that Jean knew how I felt about him... Did he tell you?"

The blond was quiet for a moment, visibly uncomfortable. "Look, Marco I don't think that's for me to say."

"What did he say...?" Marco's hands shook nervously, his heart thumping hard against his rib cage as his ears strained for an answer.

"He said he didn't want to talk about it..." Reiner turned towards his car door and pulled on the handle. "You should ask him about it, not me."

"...I can't..." He exhaled, saying it under his breath as he turned back towards the doors he came from. Reiner hesitated for a moment, almost as if he wanted to give him the answer right then and there. With a shake of his head, he climbed into the driver's seat and started the car.

* * *

 

That night had been rough on Marco. He wasn't sure how to handle Bertholdt after coming back inside. The tall man had thanked him and apologized to him and asked him all kinds of questions about how the conversation with his idol went and every word that Bertholdt spoke about Reiner made Marco's heart twist in pain.

He stayed up with Bertholdt for most of the night, and he had even gotten him to at least nibble on bits of a granola bar for him. It wasn't much, but Marco knew that Reiner was right about him slowly dying. He knew that if Bertholdt didn't change his eating habits soon, his organs were going to completely shut down on him and it'd be over for him.

Even after Bertholdt had gone to bed, Marco couldn't find himself able to follow after him. He tried to distract his thoughts with what was on tv, but the first thing he saw was an infomercial with a women in a slim fit dress, standing beside a small box that had pills sprawled in front of it. Her hair was a slick black, pulled back into a bun, her bangs curving around her chin. The lady had a large smile on her face as she motioned towards her waist, discussing about how much these pills of hers had helped her lose some obscene amount of weight. Marco's eyes shifted away from the tv, reaching for the remote.

_"You can have the Fubar Figure too! Call the number on your screen right now and you'll get-"_

He clicked the power button and quickly dismissed the hopes of taking his mind off of things. His thoughts were constantly swarming around about Jean, and what Reiner had mentioned. His nerves would skyrocket as he thought about the idea of Jean knowing that he was in love with him, and picturing what it was that he had to say about it. He would tumble back and fourth with the idea that Jean must've secretly hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. Regardless of what it was Jean felt, he wouldn't be getting an answer unless he asked him.

Marco was currently laying in his bed, his phone the only light in the apartment. The blue hue lit up his face as he stared at a blank message he had open that was under Jean's name. His eyes looked at the clock, a bright 3:34am shining back down at him. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he finally typed out a simple message.

 **Marco** : Are you awake? Can't sleep.

To his surprise, his phone went off before he was even able to send the message. His heart raced when he saw it was from Jean.

 **Jean:** Can I come over?

Marco backspaced the message he typed and replace it with a polite 'Yeah of course.' and waited to see if he'd respond.

It wasn't until Jean had actually arrived that Marco got a response from him, and even then it was just 'outside'. The sleep deprived man tip toed to the door and pulled it open slowly, in an attempt to keep quiet. Jean didn't hesitate stepping inside, throwing his shoes off and tossing his jacket onto the closest piece of furniture.

The two headed towards Marco's room, Marco shutting the door gently behind him and flicking on his light. He turned to look at Jean and his heart clenched to see the sad face he wore. He had bags under his eyes and the rims of his eyelids were red from what Marco assumed was him crying. His hair was messy and definitely looked as if Jean hadn't attempted to style it since his break up with Eren. Even the clothes Jean wore looked as if he put as little effort into it as he could, wearing just a plain t-shirt and a lose pair of jeans.

Marco watched as Jean took a seat on the edge of his bed and then threw himself backward onto the mattress. "Eren's been over every day with Armin." he groaned. "I can't sleep. All I hear is him talking and laughing out there.." Jean threw his hands on his face, digging his palms into his eye sockets and rubbing them. "Why does he get to laugh?"

Marco stood awkwardly for a moment, contemplating on what to say. He took a seat on the edge of the bed, next to Jean. "Maybe he's.. Hoping you'll talk to him...?" He suggested. Jean just tsk'd at the response and Marco shrugged. "Or maybe he's just that big of an asshole and is just throwing salt in the wound."

"He's the biggest asshole either way."

"True," Marco agreed. "You're a close second though." He joked.

Jean pulled his hands away from his face and gave Marco a mean stare. "Yeah, sure."

Marco chuckled at his response. There was a silence that settled in for a moment."You know.. I would think it was just Eren being an asshole, with him coming over all the time, but it's not just Eren." He turned to look at Jean. "Why is Armin letting that happen?"

Jean didn't bother to think about it. He let out another groan and sat up straight next to Marco. "Who cares? I'm tired of being around him. I'm tired of hearing him laugh, and joke, and just even fucking speak...I'm tired of what happened between us just not affecting him at all..."

"Jean..." Marco hated hearing his friend like this. He hated seeing Jean this way, just miserable and hurting. "You shouldn't be tired.. You shouldn't be letting him affect you the way he has been. Eren could be hurting over this just as much as you are, or maybe even more, who knows what he's feeling. The point is, the difference between you two is that you're letting the situation tear you apart in front of everyone. If he's hurting, he's taking it out in a....well, healthier way..." Marco waited for a response from Jean, but he didn't say anything. "Are you mad at him?" Jean's eyes locked with Marco's, confusion twirling in the hazel color. Marco repeated himself. "Are you still mad at Eren?"

"Yeah, of course I'm mad at him."

"Then be angry." Jean was perplexed by the advice Marco had given him. He didn't seem to understand what his friend was trying to say. Marco smiled. "Jean, just be angry. You have every right in the world to hate Eren right now, but instead you've been digging into yourself trying to figure out what you did wrong to make those things happen. Just stop. You don't need an excuse, or a reason, you didn't do anything wrong. Stop looking for an answer and just let yourself be angry at him for what he did."

Jean let the words sink in, his brain processing the meaning behind them. He felt like he never stopped being angry at Eren. Every day all he thought about was Eren and everything the two had behind them. He thought about all the great times they spent together and how Eren had just destroyed it. He completely destroyed anything Jean thought was a good memory over the past three years, and Jean thought he hated him for it. He thought he was screaming in anger at how Eren did that to him, but he was realizing now that he wasn't angry at Eren for what he did. He wasn't angry at him at all, in fact, he realized now that he had been angry at himself for finding out. He was blaming himself for finding out the truth about why Eren had suddenly changed towards him over the past few months. He realized he would've much rather have never found out about Eren and his teacher and keep up a relationship with him then ever go through this.

That realization was what made him even angrier. This time, it wasn't directed at himself either. After a moment, he forced his thoughts about the brunette aside and gave a soft chuckle. "Hah....Strange... I actually feel a little bit better.."

Marco's shoulders slumped in relief, and a grateful smile decorated his lips. "That's really good to hear..."

Jean let out a sigh and looked over at Marco. "You can give some pretty damn good advice, you know that?"

"Well....Anyone really can when they have some kind of understanding of what's going on..I mean, I've never been cheated on or...in a relationship for that matter, but I can understand how you feel. And since I haven't been in that position exactly, I can understand how you should be feeling." Marco did his best to explain his train of thought, but he just ended up waving his hands in the air like he was trying to erase the words he just spoke. "Nevermind, I don't know what I'm trying to say."

Jean smiled and let his eyes fall down. He stared blankly at Marco's arm, the cloth of his jacket covering what he was curious about. "How's your arm?"

For a moment, Marco had forgotten that anything had been done to it. He was thrown off by the question. It wasn't until he followed Jean's gaze that he understood what he was asking about. He hesitated, but he pulled his sleeve back to show Jean. "It's healing..." he breathed. Their eyes both stared at the cuts that decorated Marco's forearm. "....God, this was stupid.." He tried to pull his sleeve back over the marks, but Jean's hand landed on his and stopped him. He carefully slid his hand under Marco's forearm and brought it in front of him. He ran a thumb over some of the cuts.

"I don't think it was stupid.." Jean breathed, Marco's fingertips just inches away from his lips. Marco shivered when he felt Jean's warm breath against his skin, his heart race speeding up. "It seemed more desperate than stupid.." Jean's thumb ran down the numerous cuts, his lips moving slowly as if he was counting them. "How did you know when to stop..?"

"Wh...what?" Marco asked.

"The cuts..." Jean's hazel eyes shot up to the chocolate pair watching him. Marco's throat felt like it was closing up on him as they stared at each other. "I imagine you did it for some kind of relief...so which one was the one that made it stop?"

"...I just...did it until it didn't hurt anymore..." Marco's voice was quiet. "I never got relief..."

Jean let go of his arm and turned his head to the side. Marco pulled his sleeve down, and placed his hands in his lap. The two sat in silence for a moment, both afraid to say anything. Marco rubbed his fingertips together, imagining the feeling of Jean's breath against them as he did it. His heart skipped a beat as he dragged his eyes over his friend's body.

_You think he doesn't know about it?_

Marco's mind replayed Reiner's voice as he stared at Jean. He wanted to know so badly. He wanted to tell him, he wanted to hear him say the same thing, he wanted Jean to say he had been waiting for Marco to speak, he wanted Jean to tell him how hard it had been to hold back, and fuck, he just wanted Jean so badly.

_It's written all over you face!_

"Jean...." Marco's voice jumped out of his throat. His nerves sparked through his body, his hands trembling instantly. The sandy haired man sitting inches away from him brought all of his attention on him and Marco thought that it suddenly felt like there was less air. "Do you know that...." He trailed off, his heart pounding. His mind struggled to remember how to put words together. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Reiner said...you two were talking before...but.. After he asked you something, you said you didn't want to talk about it..."

Jean's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion, tilting his head slightly as he tried to figure out where Marco was going with his words. The air felt so thick around Marco now, and he was sure that if he didn't spit his words out then he'd pass out. "I just...If you know about what I... About how I..."

"Marco," Jean placed a hand on his thigh, and it was then that the raven-haired man realized that he hadn't been looking at him the entire time he was talking. He could feel how hot his face was and his body was a trembling mess. The hand on his thigh was like a tidal wave that cooled his nerves. "I have to piss really badly."

Marco's brain slowed to a stop and his body was immobile for a brief moment, and then he realized what Jean said. He laughed. Jean stood from his spot and headed out of the bedroom, leaving Marco sitting on the bed in a complete mess. "Asshole...." He breathed to himself after letting out another laugh.

Once Jean had returned from the bathroom, Marco dismissed the subject and the two decided that they would try to get some kind of sleep. Jean's whole aura seemed to be in a better mood than when he first arrived, and Marco was happy for him about it. The two both passed out almost immediately after climbing underneath the blankets.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thanks for reading :D I'll be trying to post an update at least once a week now. Since it's basically all written, that shouldn't be too hard. Thanks again c:

The library had always been one of Levi's favorite places. It was always quiet, and aside from all the dust on the shelves it was always clean. He'd go from time to time to try to find books to read, but to be honest, he didn't really like reading that much. Sure once out of a blue moon, he'd sit down and power through a long book, but most of the time, he was never interested in them.

  
He was currently browsing through the aisle, pulling books off shelves and then putting them back after the first sentence didn't interest him. He tried to tell himself that he came down here for some peace and quiet, but he knew that he was hoping to run into some advice.

  
Levi's mind had been a mess ever since his situation with Eren happened. He would try to distract his thoughts from it whenever he could, but he couldn't stop from worrying about how wrong it was. He never really had much of an opinion on Eren before the two hooked up, he thought he was a good kid, but now he couldn't keep his hands off him. It was strange, Levi thought that he would've been able to stop whenever he wanted to, but unfortunately, he found himself way more interested in the brunette then he planned.

  
He wouldn't say that he was in love with Eren, or even remotely interested in him as a significant other. He was just into him as a partner. It probably all came down to the age gap between the two, but the whole ordeal had sparked something in Levi that he hadn't felt in a long time.

  
Levi hummed to himself, reaching for another book that caught his attention. He was basically stuck on whether or not he should cut it off completely with Eren. The pale teacher pulled the book back, his face looking through the empty spot on the book shelves to be met with an all too familiar face on the opposite side. "Wah! Lev-"

  
Levi immediately placed the book back in its spot, literally shoving it into their face. He could hear them wail from the other aisle, and knew that they were going to chase him down if he tried to leave. His fingers still gripped onto the binding of the book, his ears picking up on the pattering coming from around the corner. "Levi!" He turned to the end of the aisle and saw another teacher--the one he just shoved a book at-- waving at him.

  
Her name was Hanji and she was a teacher in two different departments actually. Her major was in chemistry, which was what she mainly taught, but she also taught psychology as well. Despite how much patience Levi had for her, she was a very popular teacher with the students. She was well liked for her enthusiasm in her classes, as well as the crazy experiments she did for her students. Every year her classes were always some of the first ones to fill.

  
Levi gave a sheep wave, rolling his eyes as he turned back to the bookshelf to pretend to be interested in the numerous stories in front of him.

  
"Fiction?" Hanji commented, observing the aisle he stood in. "What's a grump like you trying to do with fiction?" She joked.

  
"Do you know how to change your voice levels at all? You might as well be screaming right now." Levi pulled a book off the shelf and flipped to a random page.

  
"Oh-! I suppose you're right." She brought a hand to her mouth as if it could change the volume of her voice. "Seriously, what're you doing over here? These books are horrible."

  
Levi shrugged, hoping it would be enough for her to take a hint and leave him alone. Hanji just laughed it off like she always did and started browsing some of the books herself. She read some of the sillier titles off out loud and laughed at most of them. Levi's eyes pulled away from the words in front of him and glanced over at their surroundings.

  
Just at the end of the aisle, there were a group of younger male students, all staring down the aisle at Hanji. He glanced to his co-worker and watched as she bent over slightly to have a better angle at the titles in front of her. Levi once again looked back to the students and noticed them making obscene gestures behind her back. He rolled his eyes and closed the book he was holding.

  
"Hey Hanji." He started, pulling her attention away from the books. "What do you think about teacher and student relationships?"

  
"Oh god, not you too." Hanji sighed out, straightening her posture. "Is this about that teacher down over at Maria?"

  
"Oh, no actually." Levi said as he placed the book back on the shelf he took it from. "Just an honest question."

  
Hanji raised an eyebrow at him, wondering what on earth struck such a strange question from Levi. She let out a sigh, adjusting her glasses. "Well... That's hard to really give any say on because.. I honestly don't care about teacher student relationships. You can't ever make an opinion on an overall broad topic when it's made up of individual subjects. There's cases where the student is mature, way too mature for their age and are interested in an older age group, that's fine and understandable, then there's teachers who are just interested in anyone or anything and that's just as fine and understandable. It's the individual people that determine whether it's right or wrong. If they're both at an understanding of one another, and they're both consenting to it, then I think it's completely okay. On the other hand, if one is taking advantage of the other--like that teacher from Maria--it's just plain wrong." Hanji shrugged her shoulders. "Sorry, I'm not good at giving short responses on those type of things."

  
"No, it was helpful." Levi replied, thinking it over. Her response really didn't help him much, but he appreciated the thought she put into it.

  
Hanji crossed her arms and peered down at Levi suspiciously. "Helpful? To who?" She cooed, raising an eyebrow at him.

  
Levi's body tensed for a moment, but he quickly composed himself. "Ah, sorry,... Erwin had brought up something about it before." He felt bad throwing Erwin's name out there like that, but it wasn't technically a lie.

  
"Hah!" Hanji laughed. "Erwin? With a student? You're gonna cripple me."

  
Levi turned to her confused. "Why's that..?" He asked.

  
"You don't know? Erwin was a little cougar chaser in his younger days." Hanji smirked at him. "He's not into the younger crowd. Sure he gets a lot of attention here, but I doubt he'd ever touch any of them."

  
Levi could feel the wheels turning in his brain. He thought about the conversation that Erwin and him had shared earlier in the school year, the whole fucking thing that started his mess with Eren. Sure, he said he never actually did anything with his students, but his face had clearly said otherwise. Then there was the whole part with him pushing Levi so hard on it as well. Why was he acting that way if he wasn't even interested in his students? It was like he was trying-  
  
Almost as if all the confusion in his mind had cleared, Levi froze at the conclusion he came to.

  
Hanji looked over at Levi, and stopped. "Levi? Are you alright? You look pale all of a sudden..."

  
"...I have to go." He breathed, turning away from Hanji. He started off in a walk, but quickly ended up jogging out of the library.  
Hanji tried to call after him but he ran so fast out of there that there wasn't any point to. She stared after him confused. "...Wonder what that was all about..." She mumbled to herself.

Levi spun around a corner, heading up towards Erwin's classroom. "He.. He wouldn't be..." His brain was still spinning over the idea, but no matter which way he looked at it, he always came to the same conclusion. "No..Fuck." Levi slowed his pace down from a run to just a fast pace walk as he headed through the building.

  
He was completely startled when a voice call out to him from his left. "Ah! Levi, I was just headed to your classroom!" Levi held his hands up at him almost defensively.

  
"Please, Mr. Balto, not now." He called rushing past him.

  
"Levi! It's very important!" He called after him, a stack of papers under his arm.

  
"Alright! I'll-I'll be in your office in an hour tops." He called as he turned the corner. He didn't give his boss a chance to even agree to it or not, he just kept going. Levi soon found himself standing in front of Erwin's door. He ran a hand through his hair and pulled the door open.

  
Erwin was sitting at his desk, going through some kind of paperwork, the classroom was almost completely empty, aside from a pair of girls standing in the back corner slowly gathering their things and giggling together. Erwin's attention was pulled away from his papers when he heard the door open. He looked slightly surprised to see Levi.

  
"Lev-"

  
"You fucking _asshole!_ " Levi shouted, stepping towards his desk. The girls in the back went completely silent, one pushing the other to head out of the classroom. The two shuffled out of the classroom as quickly as they could, almost dropping their belongings in the process. Levi bit his tongue back until he heard the girls close the door and then he turned towards the blond in front of him.

  
Erwin didn't look confused at all, maybe surprised, but he looked as if he completely understood why Levi was there. The shorter man nearly screamed, he was so frustrated.

  
"Why?! What the fuck did I do to you!? It's obvious you don't want my job, so what's the reason!?" The blond let out a sigh and then stood from his spot. He took a step towards Levi, not saying anything. "Did you do it!? Did you get what you wanted?! Is that what that fat fuck was stopping me for?!"

  
Erwin's face twitched with a slight confusion. "Balto...? You mean he hasn't talked to you yet....?"

  
"Oh my god...." Levi's shoulders dropped. "You really did it... You got me fired, didn't you...?" He spun in his spot, gripping his head.

  
This time, Erwin's face contorted into complete confusion. "Wait..." He held his hands up as if to slow his co-worker down. "Levi, what makes you think that?"

  
"Don't give me that shit, you knew we were fucking, you knew we were-"

  
"-Wait, _what?_ " It took a moment for the blond's brain to catch up. "You slept with him? That little blond kid?"

  
"Brunette." Levi corrected.

  
"Whatever, you actually slept with him?"

  
"..." Levi stopped talking, his body overwhelmed with emotion right now. "Yeah... You said..." He trailed off in thought. "...that bet."

  
Erwin seemed to finally understand the situation. "Levi....No..." Erwin sighed heavily as he sorted out his words. "Balto was going to have me tell you.. He thought it wouldn't be as hard on you, but..He's transferring you.. To Maria..You're supposed to replace the teacher that got fired. He sold you over to them, and they can't even match your pay..."

  
"....what...." Levi breathed.

  
Erwin continued. "I didn't think that was fair...He's already hired another teacher to replace you so...If you didn't agree to the transfer, he was just going to fire you anyway...I tried to talk him out of it, but he wasn't budging." The blond shook his head. "That.. That first day I was in your classroom? That's when I was supposed to tell you...I was just so mad about it, I thought, maybe if you got caught with one of your students by him, he'd be put in a spot. He'd either have to fire you and have the whole story all over the news, or to keep you here with out saying anything about it. Obviously, the later would've been the preferred decision. There's no way he would've wanted that story to get out after that whole situation down at Maria." Erwin shook his head. "Jesus Levi, I didn't think you'd actually fuck one of them-"

  
"-Eren. His name's Eren." Erwin let his eyes fall to the ground. There was a silence in between them. Levi looked as if he was still processing all of the information he was just given. "So that day.. When you stopped by.. The envelope.."

  
"Those were your transfer papers...That was the last day Balto gave me to tell you..."

  
Levi let out a long breath as he took everything in. "...Shit..." Erwin reached a hand out for comfort, but Levi pushed it away. The two stared at each other for a moment, Levi's eyes full of anger and confusion. His mouth hung open as if he had a mess of words he wanted to say, but none of them made it past his lips. He struggled for a moment, processing everything. "Shit...." He mumbled again. The blond in front of him wasn't sure what to say. He let out a sigh.

  
"Levi, I'm sorry... I should've told you.."

  
"Yeah...You probably could've at least gave me that courtesy." Levi said, sarcasm laced in his words. "So...Did Balto happen to tell you any other information that you just don't feel like telling me? Maybe, when my last day was? What the fuck kind of math I'm teaching?" Erwin closed his eyes, irritated.

  
"It's all in your papers..." He mumbled.

  
"Oh so you _do_ know. Well then." Levi shrugged his shoulders. "I guess I should probably start packing my things." Before the blond could get another word out, Levi turned away and stepped out of the classroom. Erwin let out a groan, turning on his heel and heading back to his desk to finish his work.

* * *

 

 

Even though Marco had only gotten about three hours worth of sleep, he woke up feeling well rested. His joints felt stiff, and his mind felt like a pillow. After getting up, the first thing Marco did was look for Jean. He wasn't in the bed anymore, so he assumed he might've been in the bathroom, but after realizing what time it was, he came to the conclusion Jean left awhile ago for his morning class.

  
The freckled man walked towards the kitchen, his stomach leading him in the direction of food with a loud rumble. Yawning, he pulled open the fridge and skimmed over the items they had. He made a mental note to grab some groceries the next time he was out after seeing how little food was in the fridge. Marco glanced at the clock to see if he had enough time to cook something up, and was pleased to see that he had almost an hour before he had to get ready for his class.

  
He pulled out a carton of eggs from the fridge along with a package of bacon, and then went for the stove. As he pulled out two frying pans and began to crack open the eggs, his mind thought back to Reiner. He thought about what he had said, and knew that if Marco didn't try harder with Bertholdt, then one day they were all going to see him in a casket. Without another thought, he threw in two extra eggs and went back to cooking.

  
Just as he was getting done, he heard shuffling from behind him. He turned around with the pan of bacon in his hand and saw Bertholdt standing by the table, rubbing the sleep out of his eye. He glanced over the cooked food and winced.

  
Marco smiled. "Hey, perfect timing, food's almost done."

  
Bertholdt's face looked confused as he headed for the cabinet for a glass. He looked at Marco, almost as if he was trying to ask 'You're not gonna make me eat that, are you?' Marco ignored the look and began preparing a plate of food. "Go sit down."

  
"Marco, I'm not really hun-"

  
"Sit down." Marco repeated, his voice laced with a venom, but his face was completely innocent. Bertholdt instantly became uncomfortable, clutching the empty glass in his hand like he was just thrown into a lion pit. Hesitantly, he stepped towards the table and pulled out a chair.  
He stared at the empty glass in his hands and waited patiently for this to be over with. After a couple more minutes, Marco brought a plate over and set it in front of him. "Protein!" Marco cheered as he watched Bertholdt judge the food in front of him. The taller of the two didn't touch it. Marco hadn't moved from his spot next to him as he waited for him to at least acknowledge the food. He let out a sigh when Bertholdt picked up his fork and just poked at it. "Come on...." He pleaded, grabbing Bertholdt's attention. The pale and tall man stared at him, his eyes begging Marco not to make him eat. "Bertholdt...you have to eat. Reiner told me about how you passed out..."

  
"...." Bertholdt shifted his gaze to the ground, not wanting to have this conversation.

  
"I know you don't want to hear this, but he honestly should've taken you to the hospital. You begged him not to and he's trusting you, you know." Marco didn't get a response from him, but he could tell his words were affecting him in some way because his eyes were now on the plate in front of him. "Plus.. What about our promise?"

  
"...Promise...?" Bertholdt breathed. "Marco, I'm not trying to kill myself!"

  
"I know you're not trying to, but that's exactly what you're doing!" Marco let out a sigh and then pulled out a chair next to his roommate. "Look," Marco placed his arm across the table, his sleeve pulled back and his forearm showing. The once red and puffy cuts were now brown and rigid. Bertholdt's eyes widened when he saw them and his mouth opened about to say something, but the freckled man cut him off. "I almost broke our promise when I did this...I felt like shit and thought it would help but it didn't..." He looked back up to Bertholdt.

  
"Marco...."

  
"Please..." Marco pleaded, pulling his sleeve back down. "I don't want you to go without me... Just.. One bite, that's all I'm asking for."

  
Bertholdt stared at his roommate for a long moment and then looked down at the plate in front of him. Just looking at the food made his stomach turn. He reached for the fork again and began poking at the eggs. His eyes glanced at Marco for support and then he took a forkful of the food and stuffed it in his mouth.

  
His body instantly rejected the food before he could even chew it. He could feel his throat gagging as the food sat in his mouth. Bertholdt clamped a hand to his lips to keep from spitting it out. After a long struggle he finally swallowed the food. He could feel his body rejecting the food and trying so hard to make it come back up. He clenched his jaw, his tongue salivating and his stomach spinning. "Keep it down..." Marco pushed.

  
Bertholdt brought a hand to his stomach, like he was telling it to stop and keep the eggs in. After what felt like forever, the feeling of throwing up eventually subsided and he just felt nauseas. He took in a breath and stared down at the food on his plate. God he hated food.  
Marco smiled and stood from his spot. He walked over and picked the plate up and set it in the kitchen. He came back to his friend and knelt down to his level. "I'm proud of you." He stated. Bertholdt didn't look at him. The shorter of the two then wrapped his arms around Bertholdt's shoulder and pulled him into a hug. Bertholdt hesitated for a moment, but he soon wrapped his arms around Marco's.

  
As much as he hated eating and he hated the feeling of it just sitting in his stomach, Bertholdt felt better about himself. The two stayed that way for a long minute before Marco pulled back and went to make himself a plate. Bertholdt sat there, his body still and his stomach settling down with the food in it. He felt sick, but he wasn't going to let Marco know that. The thought of possibly forcing down more of the food crossed his mind, but he wasn't sure if he'd be able to do that.

  
So instead, Bertholdt stood from his spot and took the glass he had originally grabbed and headed towards the kitchen. Marco watched him as he pulled open the fridge door and grabbed something from it. His lips curved into a big smile when he saw him pull out an orange juice container. Marco's eyes locked onto Bertholdt's hands as he poured himself a glass and then took it with him towards his room.

* * *

 

Jean was sitting in his car, his eyes staring at the door to his building. The wood was fake and the white paint on it was chipping off. From the spot he sat at, he could see the reflection of the glass that was placed towards the top of the door. His eyes zoned in on the distorted image in the glass of a silver car that seemed to eat up the entire space.

  
It was Eren's car.

  
He noticed Eren's car in the parking lot right away when he pulled in, mainly because it was in the same exact spot that it was in when he left last night. His nerves were bouncing around in his gut as he clutched the steering wheel, knuckles white. Just the sight of his car sent fire running through Jean's veins. He was sick of seeing him, sick of hearing him, and definitely sick of just thinking about him. He was at the point where he wanted to tell Armin that he needed to kick Eren out or find a new roommate because he didn't even want to hear that brunette breathe. Jean's body burned with anger, his hands on his steering wheel as he debated even going inside. He thought back to what Marco had told him, and horrible ideas popped into his mind when he finally decided to get out of his car. He grabbed his back-pack from his passengers seat, and then slammed the door shut with an unnecessary amount of force. His eyes ghosted over Eren's car again, and he debated denting in his doors.

  
When he opened the door, he took a glance in the living room and caught Eren sitting there by himself, playing with something. Jean grunted and then slammed the door behind him, Eren's attention snapping to him.

  
"Jean-!" He called, standing from his spot and chasing after him. He called his name again, rolling his eyes when the man in front of him ignored him. He followed after him as Jean walked towards his room. "Jean, will you let me tal-"

  
Eren was cut off by the door slamming in his face. He let out a sigh and dropped his head against Jean's door with a soft thud. The click of the knob echoed in his ears as Jean locked it in place. Eren listened to Jean shuffle around behind the door and strained his ears for anymore noise, but it went quiet quickly. The brunette brought his hand to the wood, clutching at it like it would let him through. "Jean....I know you can hear me.. Just...Let me talk alright...?" He heard a shuffle and was then met with silence. Eren huffed. "I just want to say that I'm sorry...I know it doesn't mean anything, but I am sorry for hurting you...I just.. I don't know man, I've been such an asshole to you lately, and I was just so pissed off at myself...." Eren stared down at the silver doorknob, his eyes shining brightly in his own distorted reflection. "I guess..." He trailed off trying to put his thoughts together. "I was just tired of you. I was tired of saying I loved you when I didn't anymore...It was like everything was so perfect and great, but.. then I suddenly felt chained down..Like I was drowning and I couldn't get to the surface at all...It didn't make sense to me right away, but I realized something about us had changed. I couldn't tell if it was just me at first.. Then after a while I convinced myself it was you.. It was weird.. Because when we didn't hang out, I felt better. I felt like I had more to see, and a lot more to dream of, but whenever we were together, it was like I got put in a cage." Eren's lips hovered against the door, his mouth running faster then his brain was. "I couldn't make sense of it because, to me I couldn't understand how you made me feel that way.. I was always happy with you. I was always eager to spend time with you, and suddenly it just wasn't that way anymore.... I wasn't happy, Jean..." The brunette did his best to listen on the other side and hope his words weren't falling on deaf ears. "I'm...stupid. I should've talked to you.. I was just scared, alright? We'd been together for so long, I just couldn't picture ever telling you that I didn't want you anymore." Eren chuckled, but his voice made him sound sad. "I mean... Who wants to be told they're not wanted anymore?" He went quiet for a moment, his eyes swelling up as his mouth put together another string of words. "I was afraid of seeing you get hurt so I ignored it. I pretended like the problem wasn't there and whenever you'd ask, it'd just make me furious....And then.. I just kept pretending.. I kept telling myself that I would just have to keep pushing you away until you eventually left on your own. It made so much sense in my head, but..." His voice cracked when he went on. "I just hurt you so badly....You...my most important pers-" Eren's eyes went wide in shock when the door was ripped open. His teal orbs locked onto hazel ones, both red and wet with tears. Jean's jaw was clenched tightly, but his eyes made his anger look soft, and full of pain.

  
"Shut. Up!" Jean yelled. "Just shut the fuck up!"

  
"Jean, let me tell-"

  
"I don't want to hear it!" Jean shouted. "I don't want to hear another word out of your fucking mouth!"

  
"I'm sorry, alright?! That's all-"

  
"Sorry? You're _sorry?!_ " Jean wiped at his face, hating that he was crying right now. "You fucking ripped my heart straight out and stabbed it with a fucking knife! And then you twisted the blade non-fucking-stop!" He shook his head in frustration. "And you think 'Sorry' is just gonna take away those stab wounds? You think one word is gonna make everything okay?!"

  
"I'm not _trying_ to make it okay!" Eren shouted. His eyes plead to let Jean listen to him as he stared at his previous lover. "It's not okay, there's nothing that's okay between us, I just want you to move on from-"

  
"-Are you fucking _kidding_ me right now?!" Jean scoffed in disbelief. "How do you deal with all the bullshit you're made out of?! You fucked another guy behind my back and when I find out about it, you're gonna sit there and tell me to move on?" Eren reached out his arms to offer consolation, but Jean smacked them away. "Don't fucking touch me!"

  
"Jean _please_ , I know I'm a piece of shit, alright? These past few months have literally been so fucking stupid, and I could've done things so differently.." Eren looked down, a tear slipping down his cheek. "I'm.. I'm sorry...really..." His voice cracked for the second time, his shining eyes entrancing Jean and drowning him in the swirling colors of the sea. They were the most beautiful pair of eyes he had seen and the tears that swelled in them just made him want to forget everything that happened. Jean stared at him, every bone in his body telling him to pull Eren into a hug, wipe his tears away, and just hold him until he was okay. His brain hurt as it fought with his heart about his actions. His mind wanted to be so angry at him, but his heart was aching to touch him again.

  
"Are you expecting me to feel sorry for you..?" Jean mumbled. "You get to go on and live your life as happy as you can be with that fucking asshole and you want me to pity you?"

  
Eren wiped his cheek looking off to the side. "We're not doing anything anymore.." He breathed out.

  
"Tch, yeah like I believe that." Jean scoffed in response.

  
"We're not! He got fucking transferred, alright?" Eren shook his head. "I told him I didn't want to do anything else anyway...Besides, it doesn't even matter any more." The brunette looked up at him. "I wish I would've done things differently...that's all.."

  
Jean's hazel eyes locked onto him for a moment, but he eventually just shut them, trying to block the pain that face in front of him brought. "That's all? Good, now leave me the fuck alone." Before he let Eren say anything else, he slammed the door on him again. His hand clutched onto the doorknob, his eyes staring into the wood that separated the two. Jean choked in a breath of air, biting his lip to keep it from quivering. He heard a sob echo from the other side and his heart twisted painfully in his chest.

  
Why did Eren have to do this to him? Why couldn't he have just fucking sucked it up and plowed through his feelings? Why did he have to make this so fucking painful? And why in the hell did Jean's heart still pound so hard when he heard his words? Why did it hurt so god damn much?

  
Jean's eyes overflowed with tears, his throat aching to let out a cry. His hand slid from the doorknob and his knees dropped like a rag doll onto the floor. Jean leaned over his lap, clutching his hand to his mouth as he choked on his own sobs.

  
He thought that he was done feeling this way. He thought that after last night, he would be different, he would be stronger, but without Marco here for him, he wasn't anything. Jean dragged his hands to the side of his head and nearly screamed out a sob from how much it hurt. He wanted to feel how he did last night, he wanted to feel the way he did when he was with Marco. He didn't ever want to feel this way again. His clothes were soaked in tears, his eyes flowing over like a fountain.

He needed to see Marco again.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so this chapter is a little on the short side, but that's because I couldn't really break it up very well. The next chapter is gonna be a lot longer and there may or may not be someone getting laid in there, WHO KNOWS. Anyway, thanks for reading :D

Fingertips brushed softly against a canvas, a pelting of scratching noises the only sound in the room. Warm vibrant colors mixed together with cool hues, the lines of a sketch blending into the final stages of the artwork. The hand pulled away to brush against black bangs, a sigh coming out of the tall man.

  
Bertholdt took a step back to examine his art piece, using his pinkey to brush along the edges of what he felt needed to be worked on. He contemplated for a moment before stretching out his neck and deciding he'd take a break from the picture. He kept his hands away from him to try and not get any charcoal on surfaces it hadn't touched yet. He glanced around his dim lit room for something to wipe his fingers on. His eyes didn't lock onto any material for him to use, so with a sigh Bertholdt took a step away from his room, deciding to head to the bathroom to wash his hands.

  
Marco was still in one of his classes, and probably wouldn't be back home for at least another hour or so. The apartment was quiet and empty, aside from the little noise the tall and thin man made. Bertholdt carefully turned the knobs to the faucet on and washed his hands of the smudged work. His eyes glanced up to the mirror just inches away from his face and his heart sank.

  
He could see deep shadows against his skin. His cheek bones sticking out and dark bags hanging from under his eyes. Bertholdt brought his hands to his face, feeling along the curves of his skin and noticing how much of a difference it was from just a few weeks ago. He looked like he had gone through an age advancing simulator and was staring at his older self. It was strange but for the first time in a while, Bertholdt was actually disgusted by how thin his face looked. He couldn't even count the millions of things that he thought were wrong with himself, but today his list had shifted just a bit.

  
Letting out a grunt, the thick haired man walked out of the bathroom and headed towards the kitchen. He was just coming in to get something to drink, but his eyes met with the food cabinet and his mind drowned in the memory of Marco's face, pleading him to just eat. His chest felt heavy as he wrapped his thin fingers around the cheap metal handle and pulled the door open, his eyes glancing over the numerous items in there.

  
It wasn't a lot of food, but to him it looked like too much. Bertholdt's stomach began spinning from just looking at it. He had to close his eyes and take in a deep breath through his nose before grabbing anything. After composing himself, Bertholdt grabbed a bag of chex and dashed out of the kitchen. He threw it onto the table and stared down at it. His heart started to pulse hard, and his hands broke out into a sweat. It wasn't technically healthy. Chex were bad for you, and it'd make him put on weight, not to mention they were just empty calories. It's not like it'd make him feel full, right?

  
His mind twisted about, thinking so hard about the ups and downs of eating in general. Bertholdt glanced back into his room and thought about the homework he had to do for his classes. Maybe he would just bring the books out here and then eat something if it crossed his mind. Deciding that was the best way to do it, Bertholdt headed back to his room and grabbed his books, dragging them to the table to study.

  
Bertholdt's eyes skimmed over the work he had to do and then spent time getting himself set up. He got his notebook ready, and got himself on the proper page, his eyes landing onto the questions he had to answer and his mind going blank. He spent awhile trying to get his brain to comprehend the work he was supposed to do, but for the most part, the words just swirled around his head, his brain not interpreting any of it. His eyes dashed away from the book and onto the bag that he tossed on the table. After a minute, he decided that he wasn't going to think about it anymore and brought the bag closer to him, ripping it open and taking a small handful, shoving it quickly into his mouth.  
His body pulled a similar reaction to his morning incident and he almost choked on the chips. Bertholdt chewed the food and swallowed it with a lot more ease then the eggs he had. He wasn't sure if it was because of the food itself, or because he was telling himself he wanted this. His hand went back into the bag, and this time he only grabbed a single item, popping it into his mouth and eating it.

  
Bertholdt's eyes went back onto his studies and instantly submerged himself into his work. It was hard at first, but after a while, he had began to subconsciously munch on the snack in between writing and reading his work. He stayed in the same routine for roughly half an hour before the sound of his phone pulled him away. His hand went right for his pocket, slipping the device out and checking what message was just sent to him. He felt his stomach twist into a big knot when he saw Reiner's name, his thumb clicking onto the new message.

  
 **Reiner:** hey

  
Bertholdt made a confused face at the simple greeting, but still hit the reply button. He thought it was strange for him to have said just one thing like that, since Reiner always had something to tell him. Not to mention, they never really texted that much either, Reiner was more of a phone call kind of guy, which Bertholdt absolutely hated, but he'd never tell him that.

  
His eyes stared at the blank message, the cursor blinking like it was timing how long it'd take for him to respond. After being unable to come up with any kind of interesting response, Bertholdt just responded with a single 'What's up?' and went back to his work.

  
Just as he was getting focused on his work again, his phone went off for a second time. He set his pencil down and pulled up the response from his blond friend.

  
 **Reiner:** are you free?

  
Bertholdt chewed on a finger nail, wondering what Reiner was actually up to. He thought maybe that it was just him feeling awkward at what had happened last between them, but he wasn't sure.

  
 **Bertholdt:** Sorta, not really. Trying to get some homework done :c

  
He decided to wait a moment and see if Reiner would reply right away before he tried to focus on his work again. Sure enough, his phone went off.

  
 **Reiner:** can i bother you for a sec?

  
 **Bertholdt:** I guess c:

  
Bertholdt's nerves started to act up and the little food in his stomach was already threatening to come up. He took in a deep breath, knowing that the blond was about to call him. Just as he suspected, his phone went off, a favorite song of his ringing through the speakers. He tried his best to calm his nerves, closing his eyes and answering the phone.

  
"Hey." He breathed.

  
 _"Hey...Look, Bertholdt, there's something I need to talk to you about."_

* * *

 

Marco was in the middle of class when he felt his phone blow up in his pocket. At first, it was just one message, but then it went off multiple times, each time, he had to reach in his pocket and silence it. His brain ate at what it could've been about, but he tried his best to focus on the problems he had to work with. His eyes landed on his teacher, wondering how on earth someone like him ended up with someone like Eren. Marco tried not to think about it too much, but it just seemed weird to him. Levi wasn't really a mean teacher, but he didn't think he ever got personal with any student, not even to the point of telling someone something small like what he had for breakfast. He seemed like a closed book, so the thought of Eren being in there was just odd to him.

  
His dark eyes glanced over to the clock, letting out a sigh. They had only a couple of minutes left, Levi himself looking as if he wanted to leave just as badly as the other students did. "...and that's all for today.." Levi set the piece of chalk down and then turned to look at his students, Marco raising an eyebrow at the hesitant look his teacher had. "Not that anyone really cares, but today is actually my last day teaching this class." There was an echo of murmur among the students, a couple of them speaking up and asking why. Levi shuffled together a stack of papers from his desk. "I got to be the lucky math teacher to replace the one from Maria University." He breathed out, not sounding the least bit excited. "Unfortunately, I don't have a clue who is replacing me, but unless the principal decides he wants to write up a new final, your exam should be the one I wrote. As long as you study your review sheet, you guys should be fine."

  
Marco bit his lip, his eyes glancing down at his text book. He was definitely surprised by the information, but he couldn't help but wonder if what happened between him and Eren was what caused it. His eyes shifted over to his review sheet, certain problems circled from when he attempted to finish it the first time they received it. He let out a sigh as Levi explained how long he'd be here for the day. Marco figured that even though it'd be awkward for him, he might as well get some help while he could. It was a little disappointing to him that Levi was leaving because he was honestly Marco's favorite math teacher. It was probably just the way he explained stuff, but Marco hadn't ever felt behind in his class and it seemed easier than any math class he had before. As students piled out of the classroom, Marco pulled his phone out of his pocket, finally checking the few messages he had received. They had all been from Jean, just a bunch of broken up messages.

  
His first message was about Eren he assumed, the message talking about how much he hated him. Then the next one was just 'I hate him, i fucking hate him.' followed by 'When are you free?' and finally a 'I'm heading to your place, I can't stand it here right now.'

  
Marco typed up a response.

  
 **Marco:** Bertholdt should be home, he'll probably let you in. I won't be home for a little, getting some study help.

  
He didn't dare mention from what class, afraid that Jean might've blown his phone up once again with hate. He tucked his phone back into his pocket and then grabbed his review sheet and headed towards Levi. There were a couple of students that lingered around, most of them just saying goodbye to him as opposed to actually getting help. They eventually all dispersed as the freckled student approached his teacher. The air seemed a little awkward to Marco, but he tried to ignore it as Levi's sharp eyes shot up to look at him. His eyes moved to the sheet of paper in Marco's hands and then back up to lock onto the chocolate pair staring down at him. Marco handed the sheet of paper over.

  
"Figured I'd get the best help before it's gone." Marco shrugged. He felt like the words came out wrong but he ignored it as he pointed out the blank problems he had circled. Levi chuckled to the comment, looking over the first problem and then letting out a breath.

  
"Alright.. Is the rest of this done?"

  
"It's done, but I don't know if it's right." Marco stated. Levi scanned over the other problems and then took out a pen and began scribbling across one of the earlier ones.

  
"Well, this problems wrong." He pointed his pen out to the start of the equation. "There's a step in here that you did wrong, and it's the same step that you use for the first one you were having trouble with. I'm assuming that's what's got you confused for that." Levi grabbed a scrap piece of paper and scribbled the problem out and began working through it, step by step. Marco followed along, looking between his problem and then the one Levi was doing, his mind clicking when he saw Levi work it out.

  
"Oohh..." He hummed, realizing the mistake that he made to get the answer he got. Levi talked about it some more and then pointed towards the one Marco had originally asked about.

  
"Now you're gonna do the same thing here, but you just have another step after, alright?" Marco nodded, taking his pencil and trying to work out the problem. Aside from the little math that he had to do between the steps, the problem came out pretty easy. He huffed after getting the right answer.

  
"Geesh, I feel stupid.."

  
"Don't, you're never going to use this again in your life." Levi commented.

  
Marco chuckled, his eyes moving from the paper to his teacher. "Really? What is it even used for then?"

  
"Who knows. Unless you're gonna be a math teacher, this is useless information." He shrugged.

  
Marco looked back at the problem, wondering why on earth anyone would want to teach this kind of stuff every single day, year after year. "What made you decide to be a math teacher?" Marco questioned, honestly curious.

  
"Eh, the money, the schedule, the demand for it." Levi scratched his head. "Honestly I went through my college years not having a clue what I was gonna do with my life. It was just a last minute decision when I realized I didn't have much time left to figure it out." His eyes glanced over his empty classroom and then over to his student. "Kinda wished I would've chose a different subject at least. Maybe then the students would actually show up to class." He joked.

  
Marco chuckled. "Well if it's any consolation, I used to skip my math classes before this one." Levi cocked an eyebrow at him, a small smile coming over his lips. "I always hated it. I tried too, I just fell behind so fast. Like, I had this one teacher who used to get so side tracked and would start off a problem, then talk about something stupid like his pen for twenty minutes and when he did get back to teaching, he'd always move onto the next problem without finishing the first one. It drove me nuts. I swear to this day, it's why I couldn't keep up in math. I passed a year's worth without learning anything and didn't know it for next year."

  
Levi rolled his eyes. "Man, I had a teacher back in high school who literally did not speak." He propped his chin on his hand and continued. "She would just hand out a worksheet and tell us to use our books. I swear you could hear the bugs crawling from how quiet that class was."

  
"I had a science teacher like that." Levi's gaze moved back onto the worksheet, his eyes landing on the next problem.

  
"It really sucks when teachers treat their class like a paycheck and not anything else." He pointed his pen to another blank problem on the worksheet, changing the topic. "This problem has the same steps as that last one, the numbers are just harder. If you can get it, I think you'll probably understand the rest."

  
Marco's eyes followed the pen as he looked over the problem. He went to work on it, stalling a couple of times as he tried to recall the correct step, but he eventually got it, Levi helping him out when he could.

  
There was a silence between the two as Marco glanced over the few that he hadn't answered yet. His brown eyes danced around the sheet in front of him as his mind pondered on how the rest of the semester would go with a new teacher.

  
"You're the friend of Jean's, aren't you?"

  
Marco turned away from his worksheet. "Uh...yeah..." He breathed.

  
Levi smirked. "Eren told me about how you punched him in the face the other day."

  
Marco's jaw locked in place. He had completely forgotten about that. Now he wished he would've hit him harder when he looked back on it. "Yeah, well he deserved it."

  
"He kind of does, yeah." Levi leaned back in his chair, letting out a groan. "That little fucker is gonna cause me to have a stroke."

  
Marco was quiet for a while, his mind unable to focus on his work anymore. He felt really uncomfortable talking about Eren with Levi, but he still wanted to know about it. He took in a breath. "Hey...Levi?"

  
"Hm?"

  
"...How come you slept with Eren....?" He mumbled. After the words slipped out of his mouth, he wished that he might not have even said it in the first place. Marco didn't look at Levi, but he strained his ears waiting patiently for a response.

  
"I honestly wish I had an answer for you..." He breathed out. "I don't want to say 'it just happened' but that's the only way I feel like I can describe it." Marco didn't say anything. He wasn't satisfied with that response, but he didn't really want to hear anymore about it. Levi turned his head off to the side. "Look, I know you probably don't like him, but Eren's not a bad kid. He's still young, he's gonna make mistakes."

  
"Well, you could've stopped it." Marco snapped.

  
"Yeah, I definitely could've.." Levi sighed.

  
"Did he ever talk about Jean?"

  
"Of course he did, that was all he ever talked about." Levi looked over at him. He saw the pain on Marco's face as he spoke about him. His mind recalled a conversation earlier with Eren when he had mentioned Marco having a crush on Jean, but from what Levi could tell, it went way beyond that. "Most of the time it was about how he didn't want to date him anymore, but he had his days where he'd just be telling me stories all the time." His eyes watched as Marco's face morphed from sadness into anger. "He told me about a time back when those two first got together where they were trying to sneak into a movie theater and how you were the one that got caught for it."

  
"Ugh," Marco groaned, recalling that event. "I had to wait outside for almost three hours because of those assholes." He turned to Levi, thinking back on it. "And the thing that pissed me off the most was that I was just trying to honestly use the bathroom. They sold me out so fast just to go see some stupid movie."

  
Levi chuckled. "Yeah, that's what he said." He began drumming his fingers against his desk. "You know, I hear about Jean all the time but I've never seen him before."

  
"You haven't?" Marco asked, wondering what kind of image Levi had of him. "Has Eren ever said what he looks like?"

  
"No," He pulled his hand away from his chin and turned to Marco. "There were a couple of times where he would just kind of talk about stuff like I did know him, so there were a few hints, but nothing really."

  
"What do you think he looks like?" Marco smiled.

  
"Hmm," Levi thought about the question, trying to build an image in his head. "Well..Whenever he's mentioned, I always picture this like, tall blond kid. And his hair is long and kind of curly. I also picture him with a little bit of a belly for some reason.. Oh, and apparently he's got a long face, so I see him with a really long nose." Marco bit his lip to try to keep himself from laughing. Levi turned to him, noticing his expression and chuckled. "That face is telling me I'm spot on, aren't I?" He asked sarcastically.

  
Marco shook his head. "Oh god no. I don't know what you consider tall, but I guess I'll say you got that part right."

  
"Is he taller or shorter than you?" Levi asked.

  
"Shorter." Marco dug into his pocket to dig out his phone. He pulled up his image gallery and went through the pictures to find some of Jean. Levi leaned closer towards him, curious to see how bad his vision of him was. Marco clicked on a picture that contained a few people. It had him in the center, holding his phone up high above him and getting most of his background. Behind Marco, Jean was off to the side, flicking off the camera, Eren was mostly blocked out by Marco's face, but his head poked out from the corners standing next to Jean. On the other side of Marco was Reiner who looked like he was talking to someone that was cut off from the picture. "Ignore my dumb face." He zoomed in on the picture, pointing out Jean. "There he is."

  
" _That's_ Jean?" He asked, trying to get a better look. "Huh..."

  
"I know theres some of just him in here..." Marco scrolled through his images again, stopping when he found a close up picture of him and Jean together. Jean had actually taken the picture himself, holding Marco's phone away from them. Marco was behind Jean, trying to get his phone back, but it just caught Marco in the midst of reaching his arm out, his face looking worried. Jean on the other hand had gotten a perfect picture of himself. The sunlight coming from above him lit his eyes up like crazy, the hazel in them bright and shining. His face was caught in a crooked smile, his canine teeth poking out slightly. His skin looked smooth and vibrant, Marco's heart twisting tightly as he stared at the picture. It was one of his favorites of Jean, just because it showed how good looking he actually was. "Here's a better picture."

  
Levi stared at the picture, taking in the details. He didn't want to admit it, but he was actually really surprised at how wrong he was about Jean's image. "Damn, he's not a bad lookin' kid." He looked at the whole picture, a quiet chuckle escaping from him at Marco's expression. "You guys look like you're on a date."

  
Marco's face went red, quickly pulling the phone back. "Uhh.. I'll find another one." He coughed out, trying to stray away from that topic. He let out a laugh when he pulled up the next one. "You might find this one funny." It was a picture of Eren and Jean, both looking pissed off and away from each other. They stood side by side, their hands entangled together. Levi looked at the picture and raised an eyebrow.

  
"Jesus, they look miserable." He commented, examining their faces.

  
"They just got into a fight before this. I told them every time they fought, I was gonna take a picture of them holding hands afterwards."

  
"How the hell did you get them to do that?"

  
"There were a bunch of other people over, and I told them we weren't gonna order any food until they-" Marco was cut off from someone at the door, their voice piercing through his ears like a knife.

  
"Levi-!" The voice cut off, teal eyes locking onto to chocolate ones for a long intense moment. Eren stood at the entrance of the classroom, his backpack over his shoulder and voice caught in his throat.

  
This was the first time Marco had seen Eren since the incident between him and Jean happened. Marco was only a little surprised at himself for the anger that rushed through him upon hearing his voice. His eyes were locked onto to Eren's, daring him to do something.

  
Eren was the first one to look away. He shifted his gaze off to the side, guilt decorating his features. His lips quivered, his mind struggling to remember what he had come in here for in the first place.

  
Levi ignored the tension in the air and watched Eren. He was surprised by how instantly he froze up under Marco's gaze. His eyes took a glance over at Marco, seeing his fists balled up tight, his knuckles white. He focused back on Eren. "What do you need?"

  
"...I.." Eren mumbled, looking towards Levi. He just wanted to talk to him, get advice from him before he didn't have anyone to talk to at all. He tried to ignore Marco's presence there, but he could just feel his eyes burning through him.

  
Marco finally moved, taking his review sheet and heading back towards his desk where the rest of his belongings were. Levi watched him, letting out a sigh from the tension that strangled the air. Marco took his things and headed towards the door, ignoring Eren completely.  
"...Marco." Eren called after him as he passed by, turning around to stop him. "Marco, wait-"

  
"- _What_ , Eren? What on earth do you have to say to me?" Marco snapped turning around to look at him.

  
"...I'm-"  
  
"-Don't you even dare finish that." He cut him off, knowing exactly what was about to come out of his mouth. "I'm not the one you hurt, I'm the one you really fucking pissed off. Saying sorry isn't going to affect me at all."

  
"..What am I supposed to do...?" Eren mumbled, his voice cracking. He said it more as a general question than directed at Marco, but the taller man's face softened just slightly.

  
Marco let out a sigh, running a hand through his short black hair. His instincts right now were to give the best advice that he could give, but his mind was full of anger, waiting for Eren to say just one wrong thing so he had a reason to hit him. He pushed his boiling rage to the side and held up his index finger. "Well, the first thing you can do is stop apologizing. You're not sorry, not even a little bit. The only thing you're sorry about is that it didn't happen the way you wanted it to, so shut up with that bullshit." Marco raised another finger. "The second thing you should do is to leave Jean the fuck alone. Right now the only thing you're doing to him is taking the wounds you made and trying to fix them with salt." Another finger shot up as he went on. "The third thing you can do is to stop trying to fix anything, because you _can't_ fix it. You're only making everything worse." Marco let his hand drop to his side, his eyes lingering on Eren for a long moment.

  
Eren let his head drop, his eyes falling to the ground. Without another word, Marco turned on his heel and left.

  
Levi sat back in his chair, a smirk on his face. "Well, for how pissed off he was, he at least gave you some decent advice."

  
"Shut the fuck up.." Eren mumbled.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, it feels like there's no end in sight with this fic, but it's all gonna come to a close pretty soon.  
> Hopefully at least, hah. Anyway, I hope you enjoy :D

"Did Bertholdt let you in?" Marco asked as he walked inside his apartment, tossing his backpack towards his room. His eyes landed on Jean who was sprawled across the couch. The sandy haired man popped his head up and peered behind him, noticing his friend. He stood up from his spot, facing Marco.

  
"No, the door was unlocked." He answered. Marco's eyes moved from Jean to the dining room, noticing the sprawl of papers across the kitchen table and an opened bag of chex mix beside the work. He chuckled, assuming Jean had made himself right at home.

  
"Jesus, you're here for half an hour without me and you're already eating my shit."

  
"Hah?" Jean cocked an eyebrow at his friend, confused by his statement. His hazel eyes landed on the bag of chips that Marco was now waving at him. He shook his head. "I didn't eat shit asshole." He moved towards Marco, looking at the work on the table. Marco did the same, raising an eyebrow. "This is all Bertholdt's stuff." Jean pointed out.

  
The freckled man looked at the bag of chips in his hands and then glanced towards the bedroom next to his. The door was shut, but he could see a sliver of light from under it. A smile cracked over his lips, realizing that Bertholdt must've made the decision to eat this on his own. It was the first good thing to happen in such a long time, Marco felt like he could've jumped on him if Bertholdt was standing there. Instead, he set the chips down and turned his attention towards Jean.

  
"Well, how was class?" He asked.

  
"Didn't go." Jean answered bluntly, taking a seat at the table, pushing some of the papers aside so he had his own table space. "I already took my exam in that class so there's no reason to even go anymore."

  
"Alright, then how was your day off?"

  
There was a silence that made Marco turn his head to face his friend. Jean stared at him with a look that would've killed him. Marco rolled his eyes to him. "Yeah yeah, it was horrible, I know." He headed towards the kitchen, opening up a pair of cupboards and grabbing down two mugs. "Wanna talk about it over tea?"

  
"I don't like tea."

  
"Coffee?"

  
"Eh..."

  
"Coffee it is." Marco reached over the counter to the coffee machine tucked away in the corner. He pulled it out, taking the cord and plugging it into the wall. His hands came back to the machine and pulled the lid open, replacing the filter and scooping fresh coffee beans into it. Marco leaned against the counter, waiting for the coffee to brew and looking over at Jean. He looked even worse than he did the other day, his cheeks were rosy, his eyes puffy, and his nose runny. There were bags under his eyes, and his face all together just looked stressed. He looked as if he was recovering from a physical wound and had been on bed rest.

  
The cackling of the coffee machine broke through the silence of the apartment, the steam pooling around the top of the machine, crawling up its side and disappearing into the air. The smell of the coffee beans grew stronger as it traveled from the machine and expanded into the rooms closest to it. Marco began twiddling his thumbs, his eyes on the table that Jean sat at, unsure of what to say. He wanted to be there for Jean, but all Jean wanted to do was to have Marco keep him distracted, and not thinking about Eren. He wanted to go back to the days where they just sat around, talking about what the future would hold for them, and wasting time on games, or going places together. He just wanted to go back to when he felt happy, when he knew that Jean was happy, and when Eren was just a friend of theirs.

  
As he dragged his eyes across the wood and over to his crush sitting at the table, he realized that it couldn't ever go back to those days. No matter what happened from this point forward, there wasn't anyway that Marco would ever be that happy again. At no point would Jean ever be that carefree and full of smiles again. Their wandering minds and bright smiles had been sucked out from underneath them, the pressure of becoming a successful adult breaking them down and destroying the dreams that they had. Marco's heart ached constantly from the pieces of hope he still clutched to as he stared at his best friend. He listened as Jean sniffled, and watched as he brought his hand to his face to wipe at his eyes, even though there weren't any tears. Marco dragged his eyes away from Jean and back onto the coffee, watching the last bits of the liquid drip into the pot. He gripped the handle and brought it out from it's resting place and hovered it over the mugs, pouring it slowly into each cup. Marco set the pot back on it's burner and picked up one of the mugs, holding it out and to the side. Before he went to grab the second cup, there was a crack sounding from the one in his hand, the whole side of the cup splintering. Marco went to swing the mug back onto the counter but it cracked open before he could, the ceramic and coffee blending together as it spilled over his hand and onto the ground. He jumped away from the landing, but winced as the pain of the coffee burn settled on his hand. He immediately went for the sink, turning the faucet on and running his hand under the cool water. "..Shit.." He breathed.

  
Marco hadn't noticed Jean stand from his spot, but the clanking of glass pieces brought his attention to the broken mug. Jean was picking up the larger pieces of glass, while using a towel to soak up most of the coffee. "Sorry..." Marco mumbled turning back to his red hand. Jean stood from his spot, tossing the shards into a bag and throwing it into the garbage can. He brought the towel over to the sink, standing next to Marco.

  
"How's your hand?" He asked, placing the towel in the sink, ringing it out and then focusing his attention to the burn. Jean's fingers slid under Marco's forearm, and into his palm as he pulled it back from the running water. There was a large red welt on the top of his hand, Marco's fingers trembling from the sudden shock wave of pain. Jean delicately held his hand as his eyes fixated on the burn, examining it. "Go sit down." he breathed. Marco's eyes looked up to Jean's face, as if he didn't understand what he had said. Jean nodded towards the table and let go of Marco's hand, pushing him towards the chair. "You've got Aloe, right?"

  
"Y-yeah." Marco stuttered, already missing the feeling of Jean's hand in his. He took a seat, resting his hand on the table. It didn't take long for Jean to join him, a clean towel and bottle of aloe in his grasp.

  
"Lemme see it." Jean whispered, holding his hand out. Marco didn't hesitate, the lighter haired man gently resting his fingers underneath his. He took the towel and dabbed at the water that was still around it, then set it aside and grabbed the bottle of Aloe.

  
Marco's heart twisted and pounded in his rib cage. His blood raced through his body, his ears and face burning red. His eyes traveled, watching and admiring all of Jean's features. His forearms were thin, the skin smooth, curving along the bone of his wrists. Marco's eyes went further up, looking over Jean's chest and at the spot of skin that showed under his dark v-neck shirt. His collar bones poked out, the muscles of his neck adding more curves to his collar bone, shadows illuminating the beauty of them. His adam's apple stuck out barely, bobbing down as he swallowed and worked on Marco's hand. Marco brought his gaze up to Jean's face, staring past all of the puffy and red specks and admiring all of his sharp and attractive features. His teeth hung out over his lips as he bit and chewed on them, his tongue running over the new wound and withdrawing his teeth as his lips came together.

  
Marco's heart pounded in his ears as he watched the way Jean's lips moved. He couldn't even feel the heat in his hand when the rest of his body was on fire the way it was. His brain was so engulfed in all of Jean that it couldn't even phantom the idea of holding back. Marco wanted him so badly, and he didn't want to wait anymore. He was tired of waiting and being patient. He was so tired of hoping and praying that Jean would ever like him back. He didn't even care at this point if Jean never felt the same way towards him, he just _needed_ Jean that badly.

  
His eyes watched Jean's lips form into the shape of an oval, the space between them sending out a thick breath of air that was aimed at his hand. His breath hit Marco's hand, the aloe on it sending a chilling sensation down his spine, making him shiver. A shock of electricity flew through him, the ending heat pooling under his belt, his heart pounding.

  
"Better?" Jean's voice cut through Marco's mind, their eyes locking together. Hazel bore into chocolate, the air around them thickening. There was a silence that lingered between them, but they could both feel so many words pouring out of each other in their eyes. Their gazes were locked together and it seemed as if there couldn't be a more perfect moment between them as right now. Marco could feel his head drift towards Jean's. It was slow, and cautious, but Jean never pulled back. Their faces were inches away from each other, their lips tingling as they waited for the other to connect. Marco's courage was growing by the second, his eyes drifting shut as he leaned in closer.  
  
"-Ahm" Jean cleared his throat, turning his head away and sitting back in his seat. Marco's eyes shot open, immediately straightening his back and leaning back in his chair in embarrassment. A bolt of pain shot through his heart at the rejection, but he tried to push the feeling away. He could barely build up enough courage to look at Jean's expression, his heart clenching tight at the blush that decorated his cheeks. Marco bit his lip, turning away. He was hurt, but he knew deep down that it was probably too soon for Jean to be understanding anything that he was feeling. Swallowing down the rejection, Marco turned his head to the side, distracting his thoughts with the paperwork that was sprawled across the table.

  
Jean stood up, spinning on his heel and heading towards the kitchen. "Don't want to waste all the coffee, right?" He joked, but his voice wavered, showing how uncomfortable he actually was. Marco didn't respond, or even fake a chuckle for that matter. His eyes stared blankly at the words spread out on white paper, but his mind was burning in questions. The air still smelled of fresh coffee but it was tainted with an awkward silence.

  
Jean was preparing himself a cup, taking a spoonful of sugar and stirring it into the black liquid. The spoon clanked against the mug, the center of the liquid swirling together. Jean's fingers shook from nervousness. He split his lips open to speak, but his voice was lost in his throat. "Sugar?"

  
"Hm?" Marco hummed.

  
Jean didn't want to turn his head to face him. "Did you want any sugar in your coffee?"

  
"Oh," Marco breathed out. His voice was quiet. "Just one.. And a little cream...It's in the fridge."

  
Jean turned to the fridge and pulled it open, skimming over the items until he spotted the bottle of coffee creamer Marco mentioned. He pulled it out and poured the liquid into Marco's cup, stirring it together. He stared at the two mugs of coffee, his heart tapping lightly in his chest. He let out a breath of air, breaking the awkward silence. "I..." He struggled with the thought that he wanted to tell his best friend.

Marco's eyes shot up towards Jean's back, not liking the sudden serious tone that came from him. He sounded scared, almost embarrassed, it was as if he didn't trust the words he was about to speak."..I was thinking about giving Eren a second chance..."

  
" _What_." Jean heard Marco stand from his spot, his chair dragging against the tiled floor as he pushed it back. Jean clenched his eyes shut, as if he was expecting a punch to the face. "Jean, you can't be serious!" The sandy haired man's lips started to quiver, he could feel the pain twisting in his heart like it had earlier when he thought about the brunette. It was killing him knowing how good Eren's life was going and how shitty he felt about him all the time.

  
"I just...want it to stop hurting..." He breathed out.

  
" _Hurting?_ " Marco repeated in disbelief. "You think getting back together with him is gonna make it stop hurting?!" He brought a hand to his head, as if it would clear his thinking process. "Literally anyone else is better than getting back with Eren, if you're just looking for someone then just-"

  
"-What, pick you?" Jean snapped. He turned from his spot to face Marco, his words stopping him dead in his tracks. His eyes stared bewildered at Jean, wondering if he had really just said that.

  
"...w-what..?" Marco breathed out, his brain trying not to acknowledge those words at all.

  
Jean rolled his eyes. "Don't pretend like you didn't hear me..."

  
Marco's throat felt swollen, his nerves sparking throughout his body as his brain tried to process what his best friend was telling him. "You....know..?"

  
"Of course I fucking know, Marco!" Jean threw his hands in the air. "How in the hell could I not? I spend almost all of my free time with you, you think out of the fucking ten years we've known each other, I couldn't pick up on it?" He let out a sigh, shaking his head. "You're easier to read than a fucking picture book. Every time we're together you're always trying to do _something_ \--"

  
"-When have I _ever_ tried _anything_ on you?!" Marco demanded, his blood burning in embarrassment. "I haven't done anything but try to be there for you! You think I'm just your friend so that I could, what, _sleep_ with you?!"

  
"Then what the fuck was that just a few minutes ago, huh?" Jean threw a hand towards the table, where the two sat earlier.

  
Marco's mouth hung open as he tried to find words. He could feel his eyes swelling with tears, but he tried to force them back. "That was....I thought it was different..."

  
"Yeah, I'm sure you did." Jean scoffed, "Why me, anyway? What the hell has got you so stuck on me that you can't find someone else? Why on earth is it _only_ me?"

  
"...Because..." Marco's voice cracked, his throat tight. His eyes puddled with tears, one slipping over and trailing down his cheek. No, he couldn't be crying. Not now, he couldn't cry right now.

  
"Because what?" Jean yelled, "You got jealous that I was spending more time with Eren? Or is it just some weird fucking goal you have?"

  
"...It's because...." He trailed off again, digging in his brain for an excuse. Stop crying, please stop crying.

  
"Is it because I'm something you can't have and you're-"

  
"-Jesus Fuck, it's because you're fucking beautiful Jean!" Marco cut him off, his level of humiliation at the most he'd ever felt it. His mind had completely shut down any regular thinking processes and was only giving out what he felt. "Your hair is the _stupidest_ looking colors, but it looks so fucking good on you, and your face is so smooth and your fucking eyes, they're just really fucking pretty, alright?!" Marco used his hands to indicate all of Jean, looking him over. "I could sit here for hours and tell you every little thing I love about you, but I haven't because I fucking respect you too much as a friend." Marco watched as Jean took a step towards him, expecting the shorter man to attack him, but he kept going. "I _thought_ you might've considered me a friend, but I guess not since I'm only trying to fuck you!" Marco threw his arms open. "So there you go Jean! Fuck me, I guess, right? That's what I'm trying to do, so come on, Fuck me!" Marco brought his arms in for defense when he saw the anger boiling off his friend. He watched Jean jump towards him, preparing to feel some kind of attack, but all Jean did was grip Marco's collar of his shirt and pull him in.

  
Before the freckled man could even process what had just happened in the five seconds that passed, he felt Jean's lips lock onto his, his forearms pressing into him and pushing them both onto the table. Marco's body reacted faster than his brain did, picking up and returning the same action that Jean bestowed upon him. Their lips flickered off of one another's, Marco's arms gripping onto Jean as he lost his balance. The two toppled from the table and rolled onto the floor, hitting the ground with a hard impact. They both ignored the pain that traveled through their body and let their blood rush through them, their heart race increasing. Jean's grip slipped from Marco's collar and slid down his arms, taking them by his wrists and pinning them above his head, rolling his hips against Marco's crotch. Jean broke the kiss, Marco's face flushed red. He used his nose to push Marco's head to the side, exposing his neck. His lips hovered over parts of the freckled neck under him, feeling the electricity flow through both of their veins. He nipped and sucked at parts of his skin, leaving thick red marks all over.  
Marco's head was a spinning mess. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest, he swore it was making his whole body shake. The fire he felt earlier had come back with even more heat, every kiss Jean left on him pooling in electricity. His stomach twisted in knots, Jean's hands trailing down his forearms and towards the bottom of his shirt. Marco's eyes were half lidded, staring blindly at the light that emitted from the bottom of the door. It was all that was in his line of vision, the light creeping out from under the wood like it was reaching for help. His eyes rolled shut when he felt Jean's hand slide under his shirt, his fingertips brushing along the curves of every muscle. Marco's muscles tensed when he felt the cool air hit his skin as Jean pulled his shirt off of him. The mess under Jean shivered, opening his eyes and locking onto the hazel pair that stared back at him. Their breaths were hot, and bodies even hotter. Lust swam together with hazel in Jean's eyes, his lips hovering over Marco's as he lost himself in the dark orbs that kept sucking him in.

  
Jean trailed his gaze to the body under him. For as long as he knew Marco for, he never would've guessed him to have the body build that he did. Maybe it was how nice and gentle Marco was to Jean that made his brain remember him otherwise, but Marco's shoulders were broad and toned, his chest thick with muscle and his stomach even more toned than Jean's was. It made him feel inferior to Marco for the first time in his life. He took in a breath of air, his lungs expanding as his body swam in desire for the man underneath him. He tried to ignore the signals in his brain that were going off, telling him to stop because he really didn't want to. He was tired and exhausted, and for the first time in a while, his heart wasn't beating in pain.

  
Marco pulled his head up, pressing his lips into Jean's, his lips rolling off of the pair against them as they kissed. Jean slipped his tongue past Marco's lips, letting it swirl in rhythm with their kisses. Marco brought his hands away from above him, his arms slipping around Jean's neck. He took in a deep breath through his nose, breathing in the smell of laundry and a faint hint of body spray. " _\--Ah!_ " Marco gasped in surprised, breaking the kiss when Jean slipped his fingers under the hem of his pants. His head rolled back onto the floor, his blood pulsing teasing waves of pleasure through him every time Jean touched him. He barely pulled his eyes open, once again meeting with the light from underneath Bertholdt's door. His mind tried it's best to process everything. As much as he had waited for something like this to happen, he couldn't understand why it was going on. Jean seemed so persistent on telling him to fuck off, and now he was on top of him ready to fuck him off. None of what was happening made any sense, but it didn't seem like it made sense to stop it either. He closed his eyes, Jean withdrawing his hand from Marco's pants and leaning in towards his ear.

  
"Let's go to your room." He whispered, his breath crawling across Marco's ear and down his neck sending shivers throughout his body.

* * *

 

 _"Ahhh-! Nnn-_ " Jean cut off in a gasp, panting. His body rocked back and fourth, his knees digging into the mattress under him. Marco was under him, his face buried against Jean's chest, and his nails digging into his back, both sitting upright on the bed. His face was flushed red, and he was so out of breath he didn't know how much longer he could last. Jean's arms rested on top of Marco's shoulders, using them for support as he pulled himself up and dropped back onto his lap. "Fuck! _Ah-_ Marco please..." Jean moaned, arching his back as he let the pleasure flow through his system.

  
Marco let out a gasp of air, biting down on his lips. "J-Jean, I'm really close.."

  
"Don't you fuckin' dare." Jean hissed, digging his hand into Marco's hair and grabbing a handful of his locks.

  
"I-I can't.." Marco groaned, the tugging of his hair encouraging his body to pump more of the pleasure through him as Jean rocked his hips against Marco's stomach.

  
"Jesus, think of dead puppies or something, just don't go fucking limp."

  
"Ahh, just keep talking like that, it's turning me off.." Marco mumbled, closing his eyes as he concentrated on avoiding his climax. His heart pumped vigorously, his blood flowing through him and pooling all around his groin, his body begging him to release inside of the man on top of him. Marco dragged his nails down Jean's back, drawing out a loud hiss from him. He pulled his hands away, bringing them to his thighs and digging his nails into his own skin to try and focus on the pain it brought. He tried to put his mind on anything but the person in front of him, but it was so hard to concentrate when the gasping of air huffing down his neck kept bringing his attention back to Jean.

  
Marco pulled his eyes open, staring at the muscles that tensed and unclenched as Jean kept riding him. His body sent a shock of fire through him again, like it was a punishment for finding Jean's muscles such a turn on. He thought about just closing his eyes again and trying to imagine what a dead puppy even looked like at this point in time, but he knew it wasn't going to work. The best thing he had was the stinging that was coming from him digging his nails into himself. Marco's eyes went downward, staring at the erection that rubbed against his stomach every time Jean rolled his hips. He didn't think much of it, but he brought his hand up from his thigh and brushed his fingertips along Jean's dick, listening to hear some kind of feedback from it. He clamped his hand around it, using his thumb to press at the head.

  
" _\--Nnn! Ah! Fuck- Don't touch me there-- Mmm!_ " Jean's grip tightened in Marco's hair, his free hand gripping onto Marco's shoulder like he would collapse if he didn't have it for support. Marco hesitated in withdrawing his hand, the moans coming from his voice making him want to keep his hand there, but Jean said not to, so he withdrew it. " _\--What_ the fuck are you doing? Don't pull your hand away!" Jean gasped out, his eyes fluttering open to stare down at the red freckled face in front of him. Marco raised an eyebrow, and brought his hand back to his cock, confused. He was slowly learning to not listen to anything that Jean said because whenever he did, Jean always wanted him to do the opposite. Marco learned right away that Jean loved being teased, especially if someone was doing it to him, but he still loved being in control, so it was confusing to know what was what he really wanted and what was just bullshit.

  
Marco brought his lips to Jean's chest, kissing it as he rubbed his hand slowly along his shaft, listening to the hitched breaths Jean was taking in. Jean's eyes stared down and watched as Marco's tongue licked at his skin, his lips pressing against it and sucking up a part of his skin, catching it between his teeth and nibbling at it as he suckled on it. Jean lost his breath, pulling himself up against Marco's shaft and throwing his hips back down, setting signals off in his body, releasing pleasure throughout him. He was getting closer to finishing, but he didn't want it to be over yet, he would've gone all night if he could.

  
Jean tugged back at Marco's hair, pulling his mouth off of his skin and making Marco stare up at him, his tongue slipping back into his mouth after losing it's suction to his chest. Their eyes locked, Marco's hand tightening it's grip as it reached the tip of Jean's shaft, his thumb brushing over his head, making his penis twitch.

  
Jean watched Marco's face change as different pleasure waves hit him. He knew he couldn't last much longer, but he wanted to watch him go through each wave that begged him to let go and see him fight it all back just for him. Marco's lips parted as a moan slipped past them, his eyes snapping shut. Jean loosened his grip on his hair, bringing both of his arms away from Marco and leaning back, his hands gripping onto the blanket that was under them. His thigh muscles tightened at the new position, allowing more space for Marco to go into him. Jean threw his head back, stronger amounts of pleasure coming through him as Marco slipped deeper into him.

  
"J-Jean--Ahh! I can't hold it back-"

  
"-Shut up and fuck me then." Jean responded, closing his eyes as he focused on the pleasure he felt. He couldn't even hear his heart racing with all of the heavy breathing going on between the two of them. His arms started to shake, unable to support the weight he was putting on them. He pushed his ass down on Marco, his stomach twisting as he felt Marco's fingers running up his dick. He wanted it so badly now, he could feel his dick warming with pleasure, getting prepared to climax.

  
Marco gasped for air, his eyes flickering open as he did what he could to hold back, but he couldn't do it any longer. He stared at the body sprawled out in front of him, and wanted to climb him. He didn't wait to ponder over the idea and pulled away from Jean's dick, taking his hands and straightening out the legs spread out in front of him. He grabbed the other man's attention, hazel eyes watching him. Marco then pushed Jean's shoulders down, his arms giving out on him instantly and falling back onto the mattress. He then adjusted himself so that he was hovering over Jean, not hesitating in throwing his hips into him. It took Marco a minute to pick up the rhythm that Jean had set, but he grabbed hold of it, his shoulders tense as he rested his hands beside each side of the man under him. He rolled his hips into Jean, his legs spreading further apart. Jean moaned uncontrollably, throwing his head back as Marco went hard into him, a smile spread across his lips as he lost himself in the pleasure. He lost his breath as his body tingled, shivering as Marco's dick kept hitting his soft spot. " _Mm, harder_." Jean huffed out, his hand going down to his dick and starting where Marco left off.

  
Marco thrusted his hips into Jean with all of the energy he had left, his body convulsing in pleasure, his blood on fire as his heart pumped it through his system. He shivered in bliss, riding out his climax by throwing himself into Jean as hard as he could. Jean's mouth pulled open, a loud moan escaping from him as he jerked his hips forward against his hand, his dick throbbing and close to release. The man above him thrusted into him repeatedly, his hips withdrawing just slightly before he slammed back into him.

  
Jean felt his insides slicken up, knowing right away that Marco came. Jean's heart pounded in his throat, his nerves jumbling around as he did his best to focus on reaching his climax. He was impressed with the pace that Marco was able to keep up after cumming, surprised that he hadn't just collapsed on him and left him hanging like some of the previous times that Jean had experienced before with a certain brunette he was trying to not think about. He closed his eyes, focusing all of his attention on the pleasure flowing through him, using his hand to rub along his shaft to escalate the feeling. " _..mmn..._ " He huffed out, getting close.

  
"..gahh.." Marco let out a gasp of breath, his arms starting to shake beside Jean's body. He didn't know how much longer he could hold out without falling right on top of Jean. He could feel the blood starting to come back to him, and even though it still felt good inside of Jean, he could tell he would be going limp in seconds. He tried what he could to stay hard, throwing his hips as much as he could into Jean without falling over on top of him. His eyes stared at the flushed face under him, Jean's mouth hanging open slightly as he took in gasps of air. Marco looked over at Jean's shoulder, watching the muscle tense and flex as he rubbed himself. His eyes traveled down to Jean's abs, the thin curves of his muscle expanding as he took in a breath of air. He was lost in the way they clenched up into a tight wall, Jean's moans escalating in the air. Marco's energy was draining from him, pulse slowing down, almost begging him to stop. He thought about just giving up, but something warm flicked on his cheek, causing him to flinch. He pulled away from the abs he was staring at and looked down, watching as Jean paid no attention to the mess he just spilled all over Marco. The rocking of his hips slowed down, his brain too tired to even be pissed off at Jean for getting his cum all over him.

  
"Heh....headshot...?" Jean huffed out, shrugging his shoulders. Marco rolled his eyes, pulling himself out of Jean and collapsing backwards onto the bed. He reached for anything with in arms length to remove all of the semen on him, his fingers brushing against cloth. He clutched it and immediately wiped it off his face and lazily dragged it across his chest, his body and mind exhausted. When he tossed the shirt aside he noticed it was Jean's shirt and shared a small victory with himself. Marco took in a deep breath of air and then rolled onto his side, closing his eyes and waiting as sleep crept upon him. He never felt Jean move from his spot, but he wasn't awake long enough to know if he ever fell asleep or not. Oddly enough, Marco passed out without feeling a hint of pain from the coffee burn he received earlier.

* * *

 

 

Marco's eyes fluttered open, the sunlight creeping into his room and prying him from his sleep. He took in a deep breath, stretching out his legs and arms, pulling himself upright in his bed. He rubbed at his eye, letting out a yawn. His skin had a cold chill to it, and his body felt stiff and dirty. Marco's mind immediately went to what occurred last night, his eyes ghosting over the empty spot next to him on the bed. He looked down at his naked body and let out a groan, wanting to jump in the shower.

  
Marco pulled himself out of bed, looking on the ground for something to put on for a minute. His eyes landed on a black v cut shirt, staring at the white stains on them, and chuckling to himself as he realized Jean left without his shirt. He moved passed the shirt and pulled out a pair of boxers from his drawer, slipping them on. Marco thought about being decent enough to wear a shirt, but all he was doing was slipping right into the bathroom to shower, and it wasn't like Bertholdt hadn't seem naked before anyway.

  
Shrugging the thought to the side, the freckled man walked out of his room, stretching his arms over his head. He walked towards the bathroom, seeing the door wide open and the light on. He peeked his head to the side to see if Bertholdt was by the sink and sure enough he was standing there, going through the medicine cabinet. Marco raised an eyebrow to it, but decided to dismiss it. He walked closer to the door, placing his hands against the frame and leaning into the bathroom. "Hey Bert!" He greeted.

  
Bertholdt's body jumped, whatever he was holding in his hands fell out of them and into the sink. "--Shhhit." He hissed, taking in a breath and picking up what fell. Marco looked over his shoulder to see the sink full of large and thick white pills.

  
"Ahh What's that...?" He asked, looking for a bottle of some sort.

  
"N-nothing..." Bertholdt stuttered. "It's...ah.. Stupid.." His fingers picked up the pills in the sink and put them back in the bottle he had them in. After he returned them all to the bottle, he put the lid on it, and then passed it over to Marco. Marco eyes scanned over the bottle quickly, curiosity eating at him. He scrunched his eyebrows together, reading the title.

  
"Fubar Fit?" He flipped the bottle to the back and started reading the ingredients in it. "Are these protein pills...?"

  
"...Sorta..." He breathed, turning his head to the side.

  
Marco chewed his lip. "Where have I heard Fubar from before....?" Bertholdt's hands clenched up, his jaw tightening. Marco's eyes widened. "Oh! I know! The other night, there was a lady on tv talking about this stuff. You got these from an infomercial?"

  
Bertholdt hesitated in answering, Marco handing the bottle back over to him and watching as he threw it behind the mirror. "Sure." He huffed out, slipping past Marco and heading towards the kitchen. Marco's eyes followed him, finding his behavior strange. He thought about questioning him, but figured he'd leave it alone for now.

Marco stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and pulling his boxers off. He turned the knob in the shower and stepped inside, the warmth of the water raining down on him and washing away his worries. His heart rapped against his chest, closing his eyes and thinking about all that happened last night. He had absolutely no idea where him and Jean stood right now because they had both fought and fucked, so he couldn't even assume the two were at any specific level.

  
He ran his hands over his face and through his hair, pushing the water over him. Last night had to of been the most confusing thing to ever happen in his life, and he still couldn't figure out if it was a good idea to ask Jean or not. Marco poured a small amount of shampoo into his hands and worked them through his hair, kneading his fingers against his scalp. He thought for a moment longer and knew that if he avoided talking to Jean now, it would just result in some kind of stupid conflict later on. Rinsing the shampoo out of his hair, Marco decided that once he got dressed he was going to at least text the asshole.


	17. Chapter 17

" _Why_ aren't you wearing a shirt?" Reiner questioned upon finding Jean at his doorway, a jacket on and unzipped. He had his arms crossed over his chest to cover his skin, trying to hide himself.

  
"I fucked up." Jean snapped, pushing past the blond and into his apartment.

  
"You too?" Reiner chuckled, spinning on his heel and shutting the door.

  
"Yes--Wait, what do you mean 'too'?" Reiner looked off to the side, opening his mouth to say something but was cut off. "Nevermind, sounds long, tell me later, alright?"

  
"Sure." Reiner nodded. "Now seriously, why just a jacket? And why don't you at least zip it up?"

  
"Zippers' broken and my shirt was really dirty." Jean spat out. He ran a hand through his hair. "Okay, I really fucked up, but you know what, I'm just gonna blurt it out, and maybe I'll feel better, so here I go." Jean took in a breath of air and turned to face Reiner. "I fucked Marco."

  
"...What." Reiner closed his eyes, trying to reprocess what Jean had said. _"What!?"_

  
"I didn't mean to!"

  
" _How!?_ " Reiner exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. "How do you not mean to fuck someone!? There is a _process_ that you have to go through, there are _steps_ and _plenty_ of time to decide _'Maybe! Just Maybe! This isn't a good idea!'_ How do you skip those steps?!"

  
"I don't know!" Jean's hands went through his hair for a second time, stress building up inside him. "He burned his hand, and I tried helping him and then we started fighting, and he yelled at me, and I got _really_ turned on, and he said to fuck him, and then we were fucking." Jean watched Reiner, waiting for him to respond.

The blond's mouth hung open at a loss for words as he took everything in. "...He _yelled_ at you and that turned you _on?_ "

  
" _That's_ all you picked up on from of all that?!"

  
"Well I'm sorry I'm not full of advice on accidentally fucking someone, Jean!"Reiner shrugged his shoulders.

  
"AHH!" Jean groaned throwing his hands up. "I don't know what to do! He's texted me like, four times already, and I haven't responded, I don't know what the hell to tell him." The thinner man bit his lip, trying to think. "Maybe I should just....never talk to him again? Just...pretend like, nothing happened? I know, I'll just avoid the subject with him."

  
"All of those ideas sound absolutely _horrible_." Reiner stated, cutting him off of his running thought process. He let out a sigh and tried to compose himself. "Alright..Jean. What do you think of Marco?"

  
"Reiner, that sex with him was the best sex I've ever had in my life."

  
"...." The blond was once again at a loss for words, bringing a hand to his mouth. "Okay...that's great. Good for you, but that is not what I meant by that question. In fact, I would've been a lot better off not knowing that, but thank you." He held his hands out at Jean. "Stop thinking about the sex, and just think about Marco." Jean's eyes bounced around his surroundings before he took in a deep breath and nodded. "Okay...I'm going to ask you again. As a _friend_ of yours, What do you think of Marco?"

  
"...I love him." Jean shrugged his shoulders, throwing the blond off for a moment. "He's my best friend, I've known him since we were kids and he's always been there for me, no matter how stupid the situation was." Jean's eyes went downward, going into deep thought. "I yelled at him for no reason yesterday...I just.. I've been so uncomfortable with knowing he's got feelings for me and.. And then everything going on..." He trailed off, remembering the words that were exchanged between him and Marco last night and realizing just how mean he had been. He let out a sigh. "Holy fuck I'm an asshole..."

  
Reiner raised an eyebrow, completely confused by what Jean was going on about, but trying his best to get him to the best answer. "Alright...What do you think about Eren?"

  
"Eren?" Jean was caught off guard by the question, his mind stalling for a moment as it recalled how he had felt towards the brunette. He chuckled. "I...forgot about him up until now...."

  
"Well.. What do you think about a relationship...?"

  
Jean's face softened, his mouth closing as his brain tried to sort out his feelings. "...I...I can't be in another relationship right now...." He breathed. "I can't do that again....."

  
The blond's face held sympathy for Jean, his eyes staring at his friend. He shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe...Marco might like the idea of being fuck buddies...?" He tried at a joke, but Jean's face didn't even budge.

  
The thinner man let out a sigh, walking towards the couch and plopping down on it, burying his head in hands. "This isn't fair to Marco...."

  
Reiner stood in his spot for a moment, his eyes on Jean. He crossed his arms against his chest. "Well...if it's any consolation.. I made Bertholdt cry the other day...."

  
Jean pulled his head from his hands and looked up at the blond. He tilted his head to the side. "How did you manage that...?"

  
The blond looked off to the side. "I called him and told him the truth..."

  
Jean's eyebrows went up. "Like...what truth are we talking about here?"

  
"That I don't want to date him, Jean."

  
"Oh.." Jean brought his hands together. "Shit... How'd that go?"

  
"He hung up on me." Reiner looked off to the side, his jaw tight as he thought back to what he said to Bertholdt. His mind had memorized every sound that Bertholdt made, all the confusion in his voice when they had spoken. He went over the conversation in his head, trying to decide how much information he wanted to tell Jean. "He wasn't...doing good with it when he hung up.. I told him I wasn't going to talk to him anymore, and now all I want to do is call him and make sure he's okay..."

 

"Huh...." Jean breathed out. "...What're you gonna do?"

  
"Nothing, I guess..." The two were quiet for a minute, Jean throwing his back into the couch. Reiner shifted from his spot by the door and walked towards the kitchen. He shuffled around for a minute, the clanking of glasses echoing through the place. Jean didn't think much of it, but he looked up when he saw the blond approaching him with two small shot glasses and a large bottle of vodka that he pulled from the freezer. Jean shook his head with a laugh when Reiner set one of the shot glasses in front of him. The brunette picked it up and looked at it, chuckling.

  
"Wonder woman?"

  
Reiner shrugged. He picked the second one up and held it close to Jeans. "Or She-hulk if you prefer."

  
"Nah I think that fits you more." Jean laughed, watching as Reiner pulled the cap off the bottle and filled the glass.

  
"I hope you don't need a chaser."

  
"Nah, I should be good." Jean held his wonder woman themed shot glass up and clanked it together with Reiner's, the two throwing their heads back as they let the alcohol slide down their throat. Reiner pulled back with a simple shake of the head, setting his glass down. Jean shook his head, his face contorting in disgust as his body almost forced the alcohol up.

  
"Ack-" He choked, trying to catch his breath. "Jesus, how strong is that shit!?"

  
"Don't worry about it." Reiner chuckled, refilling their glasses. Jean gave himself a minute to let the alcohol settle in his stomach, looking down at the clear liquid in his shot glass and feeling his stomach turn. He looked at the blond and saw him waiting patiently for him to knock back another one together.

  
Jean shook his head, picking the glass back up and clanking it together with Reiner's again, taking in a breath to keep his body from rejecting it. The second time was worse around for him, the liquid shooting back up his throat after he swallowed it, and then burning as it went down for a second time. Reiner laughed to his reaction. Jean coughed on the liquid, fighting with his stomach to keep it down. He made a gagging motion once and then clenched his jaw together as the alcohol finally settled. He sat completely still for a second, the vodka already starting to affect him. Jean looked over at Reiner and smiled. "I'm good. Not gonna puke."

  
"You sure?"

  
"Nope." Jean tapped his glass on the coffee table in front of them, indicating that he wanted a refill.

  
"You might want to get some water before you take another one."

  
"Are you calling me a light-weight?" Jean asked, taking Reiner's advice as a challenge.

  
"Nah, I just don't want to clean up your throw-up." The blond stood from his spot and headed towards the kitchen for a second time. Jean took the chance to look at the bottle of vodka and skimmed over the words. He pulled back confused, trying to find a proof on it.

  
"Is this in german?" Jean questioned, knowing for sure it definitely wasn't english. "Oh my god is this pure alcohol??"

  
"What? No, I'm trying to have a good time, not kill us." Reiner came back from the kitchen, a glass of water in one hand and a carryout menu in the other. "It's like, 65% or something like that."

  
"Ah, that's not.. Too bad.." The sandy haired man peered over at Reiner, pointing at the menu in his hand. "What's that?"

  
"Chinese food?"

  
"Ooh that sounds good." Jean hummed, holding onto the vowels a bit longer then he should've.

  
"Are you feeling it already?" The blond chuckled, setting the water down in front of his friend. He looked over the menu in front of him and patted himself down for his phone. He glanced around the living room and gave up pretty quickly. "Hey lemme see your phone."

  
Jean stared up at him for a moment, his request taking a second longer to process then it should've. He reached into his pocket and slipped it out, handing it over to the blond. Reiner clicked the screen on and was met with a locked menu. "What's the password?"

  
"Go fuck yourself." Jean chuckled.

  
Reiner rolled his eyes. "Really, what's the password?"

  
"I'm being serious, that's the password. Go fuck yourself."

  
Reiner hesitated, but he punched it in and sure enough the screen unlocked. He looked back at the menu and started to walk away as he dialed the number. "You're fucking stupid."

  
"I thought it was funny." Jean retorted, leaning back against the couch. He stared up at the ceiling as his mind started to spin around, his thoughts all landing on Marco. His heart thumped nervously in his chest as he thought about all of the kisses and moans he took from him and how red his face was whenever Jean looked down at him. His mind swirled around to when they were heading towards his room, Jean throwing the freckled man on the bed and basically attacking him. Marco was so into every second of it, and his body was burning for more.  
Jean's heart rate increased, and his face went red as he dismissed the entire memory. He slouched in his spot, his brain fighting with him constantly on what he felt. He didn't want to date again, he knew that. Every bone in his body was completely against dating someone else right now, but when he thought about Marco, he felt like.. Maybe he wouldn't be so bad. Hell, Marco's version of fighting with him was literally just complimenting him, so it couldn't really be that bad, right?

  
Jean's heart twisted as he thought about Eren again. He thought about how badly it hurt just over a day ago and here he was contemplating dating his best friend. He was scared, he didn't ever want to feel like that again, and what would happen if Marco decided to do something like that to him? It was too much trust he had to put into it, and he didn't think he could handle it. Jean shook the thoughts out of his head and leaned forward, pouring himself another shot and downing it much easier than the first two.

* * *

 

Bertholdt's hands shook as he stared down at the bowl in front of him. His fingers were wrapped around a spoon, the metal silverware jiggling from his unsteady hand. His eyes scanned up the table and landed on his roommate who was looking off to the side, his face attempting to hide pain. Marco's eyes were glazed over and he hadn't even touched the food that he had made for himself. They had been sitting there for almost an hour now, and not much was said between the two. Marco had been obsessively checking his phone, drumming his fingers against the table periodically and driving Bertholdt insane. He didn't know what Marco was so strung out over but all the jittering and drumming kept snapping onto his attention and it was bothering him.

  
He cleared his throat and pushed the half eaten bowl of cereal away. Marco didn't turn to face him. "Marco?"

  
"Hn?" He hummed, his eyes still staring at what looked like the wall.

  
"Can I talk to you about something...?"

  
Marco's hands started playing with his phone again, checking it for the hundredth time. He looked hurt and angry. "Yeah."

  
Bertholdt hesitated watching Marco and knowing that he didn't want to talk. He just wanted to know if Marco had anything to do with what Reiner talked to him about. "Did you have Reiner call me...?"

  
"No," Marco breathed, looking up at Bertholdt for the first time and setting his phone down. "Why, did he call you?"

  
"Yeah.."

  
"What'd he want?" The tone in Marco's voice sounded so uninterested that Bertholdt actually felt guilty for even bothering him with it. He let out a shaky sigh and then dismissed the subject.

  
"Nothing." Bertholdt stood from his spot and grabbed the bowl he had, bringing it to the sink and heading towards his room afterward. He shut the door behind him, leaving Marco sitting at the table by himself, his eyes once again landing on his phone and skimming through it.  
Bertholdt's hand slipped off of the doorknob, turning around to look at his room with a sigh. His heart twisted as his eyes burned. His head was nothing but dark clouds and the muscle in his chest was heavy with pain. Bertholdt's eyes skimmed at the items he had scattered around his room, looking for his acrylic pants. He stepped towards his easel, looking at the charcoal scattered around it and digging through them for the acrylics.

  
He was trying, he really was, so why was everyone giving up on him? Why did Reiner have to just blow him off like he wasn't anything more than a fly? How could the blond get away with saying the things he said to him? He understood that Reiner didn't want to date him, but why did that mean that they couldn't see each other? Why did Reiner decide that being friends was no longer an option? Bertholdt would've been more than happy to ignore the numbing pain in his chest if that meant still being able to see the blond. But.. He couldn't anymore.

  
The tall man already knew the answer to all the questions that spun around in his head.

  
He wasn't worth it.

  
He wasn't worth fighting for. He wasn't worth caring for. He wasn't worth so much as a passing thought. Bertholdt didn't deserve to have someone as good as Reiner in his life, he didn't deserve anybody.

  
He wasn't good enough for anyone.

  
Marco wouldn't talk to him, he didn't have Reiner anymore and without those two what was the point?

  
Bertholdt's heart clenched together tightly as he dug through a drawer of art supplies and finally found the paint he was looking for. He let out a shaky breath of air and took the art piece that currently occupied the easel and set it aside, pulling up a fresh blank canvas for his mind to escape in. He ignored the pain that pulsed through him and did everything he could to not think about the horrible things he wanted to do to himself. His eyes stared at the white in front of him, turning away from it and setting his paints up. He didn't even want to paint, he didn't want to do anything but lie on the ground and cry. He didn't want to be here anymore and he was tired of being constantly reminded of how much of a waste of space he was.

  
"Hey Bertholdt-!" Bertholdt's thoughts were interrupted when Marco knocked on his door. He took in a breath to calm himself.

  
"Yeah?"

 

"I'm going to the grocery store, you need anything?"

  
I need help.

  
Bertholdt's lips opened, wanting to call out for him, but the words never came out.

  
"No."

  
"Alright..." Marco was quiet for a moment but he never walked away from the door. "Did you want to come?" He asked.

  
Yes.

  
"No." Bertholdt answered again, his voice cracking slightly.

  
"Well....I'll be back in like, an hour or so." He stepped away from the door, silence filling Bertholdt's room as his mind screamed at him to beg for help, but he never did. He didn't move until he heard the apartment door shut.

  
Bertholdt stared down at the paint he set up and then at the canvas that was burning into his eyes. He brought his hands in front of his face and stared at them, fingers shaking. He bawled his hands up into fists, trying to control all of the shaking that he did. He took in a deep breath and the tremors flowing through him stopped.

  
The thin man took his hands and slid them under his shirt, removing the cloth and staring down at his stomach. His eyes trailed over every dip and curve, taking in all of the shadows and highlights. Bertholdt took his fingers and dipped them into the brown paint in front of him, taking the coated limbs and trailing them along his hips, going over the areas that he hated about himself. His hands traced over his stomach, and up over his chest, outlining all of the muscle that he lacked. He choked a sob out, wishing that he could look like everyone else. He wished that he had the same kind of muscle that everyone around him had, and he wished his skin was lighter like everyone's. He was dark and thin and disgusting looking. He just wanted to peel the skin off of him and start from scratch.

  
Bertholdt's fingers dipped into the red paint, going in between the lines he painted on himself and filling in the muscle he never had. He covered himself in paint, fingers marking all of the hate he had for himself and paint holding it in him. He felt tears overflowing his eyes as he thought about the blond that dropped him like dead weight and the freckled room mate of his that couldn't ever help him.  
He loved Marco and he loved Reiner. He wanted to be strong with them and show them that he was worth it as a person to keep in their lives but Bertholdt couldn't even believe it himself. He wasn't strong. He was weak and pathetic. He wasn't good for anything, he stressed Reiner out of his life, and he was on his way to doing the same for Marco.

  
What was the point of living if the people you cared for were damaged because of your well being? Bertholdt's hands slid up his neck, dragging the acrylic along his skin. He didn't think he could live at all like this. He didn't care what he had promised to anyone, why should he have to suffer so much when there wasn't anyone that wanted him here any longer?

  
Bertholdt pulled his hands away from his face, staring up at the ceiling like the light had some kind of answer. He watched the light flicker around the ceiling fan he had, his eyes staring past the waving wings and finding an answer in the way the light fought with the shadow.  
The shadow pushed for dominance against the light, but no matter which way the shadows danced to, the light always remained in the same spot. Bertholdt's lip trembled as he closed his eyes.

  
He was tired of fighting for something that would just remain the same. He was just tired.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so, This chapter took a while to get up because I wanted it to be juuuust right, and I don't really feel like I did it justice, but I tried.   
> If any of you guys have a parent like Bertholdt's mother. . I feel ya, and I'm sorry. I legitimately felt bad writing that scene.

"You sure you're okay to drive?"

  
"Yeah, I'm fine. After I threw up, I sobered up pretty fast." Jean shrugged his shoulders, waving a hand at his blond friend as he stepped out of the apartment complex. Reiner had a worried look on his face, but he trusted him. He at least looked sobered up enough and it was pretty late anyway, it was plenty of time for Jean to come back to normal. He had stopped drinking after he puked and that was a little while ago. Reiner watched as Jean walked to his car, pulling himself in it and starting it. His eyes followed the car as it backed out of it's spot and drove out onto the main road.

  
A vibration in his pocket alarmed the blond, digging into it and fishing out a phone that he immediately realized was Jean's. "Oh shit..."  
His eyes looked at the two missed calls and the four new messages on it. He bit his lip and shoved it back into his pocket, hoping Jean realized soon enough that he didn't have his phone.

* * *

 

Reiner had just about gone insane with the constant buzzing that Jean's phone erupted with. He had been planning on swinging by Jean's the following day, but after a couple of hours had gone by and his phone continuously going off, the blond decided that whatever it was had to of been important and he might as well drop it off.

  
Reiner let out a yawn and shook his head. He glanced down at the clock, seeing that it was just past midnight. The thought of why the hell he was wasting his gas and his sleep time on just returning someone's fucking phone crossed his mind, but then he remembered all the notifications it blew up with. The blond was way more than curious about it, but he couldn't bring himself to snoop through his friends' phone. He glanced over at the lighting up screen, seeing Marco's name taking up the center as it rang. Jean couldn't be mad about him answering a call, could he? All he had to do was pick it up and say he was dropping it back off to Jean now and to try calling back later.

  
Instead, the blond flipped the phone the other way, stopping the screen from lighting up anymore. He knew the general idea of what Jean did, but he had no clue what was causing Marco to blow up his phone like that.

  
After a moment of silence, a catchy tone binged from his phone, more than likely a voicemail or text message. "Jesus, kid you're supposed to give it two days before calling back.." He snickered to himself. At this point he just found the constant nagging from Marco annoying. Obviously if Jean hadn't gotten back to him yet, he more than likely wouldn't be getting back to him at all today. Not to mention it was just past fucking _midnight_ and anyone would be passed out right now.

  
Now that he thought about that, why on earth was Marco trying to get a hold of him so desperately at such a late hour? Marco knew Jean had morning classes, there was no way their 'pause' on friendship was so important to the freckled man that he just _had_ to talk to Jean right then and there.

  
His heart twisted with fear as an instant suspicion dropped in his mind. He tried to shake it off, but what if...? What if something bad was actually happening?

  
No, it couldn't.

  
Reiner stared over at Jean's phone for a moment, waiting for it to light up again so he could answer the damn thing and make sure that his gut feeling was wrong. His phone never rang.

  
Over reacting, that's what he was doing.

  
He rolled his eyes as he focused back on the road. There were a couple of cars that passed by, but for the most part it was just him on the road. He tried to laugh at his fear, but he just couldn't shake that feeling out of his stomach and it was beginning to make him nervous. After a moment longer of driving, he cracked his window and let the cool night air hit his face, calming his nerves. He just had a little longer to go and he could chuck that stupid phone at Jean and bother him later about details.

  
Feeling satisfied with his decision, Reiner tried to focus back on the road, taking in all the trees, signs, and the curve of the edge of the road that he drove along. His eyes locked onto someone ahead of him who was sprinting down the side of the road. "Jesus, It's pitch black out and you wanna go running now?" Reiner said to himself, looking at the guy as he was coming up to pass him. His eyes locked onto a pair of chocolate, the headlights from a car passing him highlighting the man's face and making the blond nearly drive off the road. "Marco!?"

  
He slammed on his brakes, his tires screeching in protest as the car almost spun out of the lane. Reiner threw the car in park and then pulled open his door to catch his friend before he sprinted right past him. "Marco!" He shouted, watching as the freckled man ran up the side of the road, towards his vehicle. Once Reiner knew that Marco was coming to the car he slipped back into his seat and unlocked the passengers side. Reiner flicked his caution lights on in the case that someone actually came up behind him, the fear in the pit of his stomach from earlier blooming into almost a panic. Marco's hand pulled open the passenger door and he threw himself into the seat, his chest puffing out, completely out of breath. He was huffing for air and if it hadn't of been so cool outside, Reiner was sure he would've been covered in sweat. He didn't have enough air in his lungs to speak so he pointed in the direction of his apartment and just barely breathed out. "Hurry." Reiner switched into drive and and headed towards Marco's apartment hoping that it was where he needed to go.

  
"What's going on?" Reiner asked as he took a glance at the heaving man next to him, his heart racing as he feared the response. Marco was too out of breath to respond so instead he pulled out his phone. The freckled man looked down at his phone at the last text message he got from Bertholdt, just a few minutes ago. All it said was _"I'm sorry I can't keep my promise."_ Marco threw his head back as he held it out for Reiner to read. He glanced over the words and then accelerated the car way above the speed limit.

* * *

 

Reiner hadn't even gotten the car parked when Marco pulled the door open and hurled himself out. He ran towards the building digging into his pocket to grab the key to the door. Reiner caught up to him quickly, pulling the door open for the freckled man and then the two booking it upstairs. Marco pleaded for the door to be unlocked, but it had been his luck to think of locking it before he left. He struggled with the key for a moment, trying to steady his shaky hand, but when he finally got it, Reiner and Marco both dashed for the bedroom door.

  
It was locked.

  
"Bertholdt! OPEN THE DOOR!" Marco hollered, pulling at the knob, trying his best to get the door to open.

  
"Jesus Fuck.." Reiner breathed out, standing behind Marco.

  
The freckled man threw his hands against the door, his heart racing in fear. "BERTHOLDT, PLEASE!" He yelled, throwing his shoulder into the door.

  
"Move," Reiner demanded, pushing Marco out of the way and then throwing his shoulder into the door. The wood protested with a loud crack, the frame around the lock splintering as his body collided with it. He reset his footing and then tried again, and finally one last time as the door splintered open, the frame pulled right off.

  
Their eyes widened at the lifeless body lying on the floor. Marco ran straight to his side, dropping to his knees and throwing his ear against Bertholdt's chest. "Oh God.." He held his breath as he strained for a noise and nearly cried in relief when he heard it. "He's alive. He's still alive."

  
Reiner looked around the floor, his eyes landing on a pill bottle with a few scattered pills on the ground. "W-What is that?" Marco asked as he watched the large man pick it up.

  
"Marco, call an ambulance." Marco didn't hesitate on running out of the room and grabbing his phone to make the phone call. He was panicking and crying, and he didn't know what to do. "Oh God Bert..." The operator picked up after the first ring and Marco spat out the story and directions in seconds. He came back to the room to see Reiner checking his pulse again and the almost empty bottle of pills on the ground.

  
"Bertholdt...He's gonna be okay, right?" Marco moaned, dropping to the ground and staring at the paint covered man unconscious on the floor. Reiner handed the bottle over to Marco to look at. "Fubar Figure...What're..."

  
"They're dangerous, that's what they are." Reiner stated. "They're designed to slow down your heart rate while you're working out so you get 'a better workout'. It's bullshit and it's dangerous as fuck."

  
"B-Bert showed me these." Marco's lips quivered as he stared at the bottle. "H-He literally handed them to me and I just-- I gave it right back to him. Oh god-" Marco dropped the bottle and looked down at his roommate, sobbing. "Oh God Bertholdt, I'm so sorry.. I-I should've been here. I should've said something.. I'm so sorry Bertholdt, please don't go."

  
"Marco..." Reiner breathed. He didn't want to admit it, but he was doing everything in his power to not cry right now. Not in front of Marco like this, and definitely not in front of Bertholdt. He wasn't going to cry because there wouldn't be a need for it. There'd be no need to cry because he'd be alright. Right?

  
The two were interrupted when the door slammed open and three EMS people came storming in, two female and one male. They immediately found the three students in Bertholdt's room and cleared the two out, running emergency tests on the last unconscious one on the floor.  
Reiner and Marco waited outside of the room for what felt like hours, but only accounted for five minutes of their time. Two of the EMS people stormed out of the room with Bertholdt's body on a stretcher. The last women stayed behind jotting down information on a clipboard before stopping where the two were. "Which one of you live here?" Marco brought his hand up shakily. Her attention all went on him after that. "Do you know if Bertholdt's had any allergies or bad illnesses in the past?"

 

Marco shook his head. "N-No, he's never mentioned being allergic to anything."

  
She jotted something else down on the clipboard and then rested it at her side, letting out a sigh. "I'm going to be completely honest with you, cause that's my job and you should know. That kid has a very slim chance at making it if we don't get him to the hospital right now. His vitals are all low and he appears to be extremely mal-nourished. If you go to the hospital, don't expect to seem him for a while."

  
Before either of them could say anything, she spun on her heel and ran out of the building. Marco stared at the open apartment door, his lip quivering before he dropped to the ground like a rag doll, sobbing. "T-t-this is all my fault.." He choked out. Reiner's hands clenched together tightly as he watched the man fall apart beside him. "I s-should've just let you have him.. I should've j-just let him go.. If Bertholdt doesn't make it, I don't deserve to li-"

  
"-Stop that." Reiner cut him off, kneeling down beside him and placing his hands on his shoulders to get his attention. "Should've doesn't mean shit right now. Bertholdt's going to make it out, and when he does, we're gonna be there for him, alright?" Marco choked out a sob and nodded his head. "Now c'mon. I don't care if I'm at the hospital for a week, I don't want to miss him waking up."

* * *

 

Marco, and Reiner were both sitting at Bertholdt's bedside, watching his chest rise and fall, the heart monitor beeping loudly in the room. Neither of them had said a word since they got there, both of them feeling guilty in some way for what had happened to the thin man in front of them. Reiner's hazel eyes never left Bertholdt's face since they were allowed to visit. The two of them had waited for what felt like a whole day and for a minute, they thought maybe they had lost Bertholdt. The nurse came and told them that he'd be okay, but he wouldn't be allowed to leave the hospital for quite some time due to his malnourishment. She had even discussed sending him to rehab, but it was for his parents to decide so she dismissed the topic rather quickly.

  
Marco rubbed his eyes, a yawn escaping his lips as he leaned back in his chair. There were doctors passing by in the hallway, most of them just looking over clipboards and not saying much. He looked away from the hallway and up at the clock. It was almost seven in the morning. Marco glanced at Reiner, his eyes glazed over with the need for sleep, but they never moved away from Bertholdt. He looked like he was going to pass out at any second, and Marco felt the same way.

  
He rubbed his eyes again and then patted his cheeks, hoping the slight sting would somehow make his body wake up. He didn't want to be asleep when Bertholdt finally woke up, but if he kept pushing it off, he knew that's what would happen.

* * *

 

Marco couldn't honestly remember falling asleep, but murmuring had pulled his conscious out of it's resting state. His eyes fluttered open, his vision taking in a nurse standing at Bertholdt's bedside.

  
"-So I told her, 'If you don't get that boy in line, he's gonna end up just like his father,' and you know what happened?" Marco's attention was brought towards the two in front of him. The nurse turned to the bed, her hands on her hips. "She straightened him out like ain't no body's business, he's going to school right now as we speak to be a doctor."

  
"Hah, well that's good."

  
Marco's eyes went from the nurse to the body on the bed. Bertholdt was sitting upright, his arm held out as the nurse readied a needle for him. The paint that had once occupied his skin was mostly washed off, some remnants of it sticking to the border of his face. She flicked the tip of the needle and after wiping a spot on his inner elbow, she brought it towards the skin and pinched at it. "This won't even hurt, sweetie."

  
Bertholdt looked down at his arm and instantly turned away, his eyes darting towards the ground. His face winced as the nurse pushed the needle into his skin. She pulled it away and smiled at him. "There, it's already over, see?"

  
Bertholdt just forced out a laugh as she turned and placed the needle on a tray. "Now they told me they couldn't get ahold of your father, but they did manage to finally hear back from your mother. She should be showing up here any second and hopefully we'll get the okay from her to help get you all better, alright?"

  
"...Great..." Bertholdt moaned, sitting back.

  
"Oh sweetie, I'm sure she just wants the best for you." The nurse cooed, waving his groan off like it was nothing. Bertholdt rolled his eyes, turning to the side. The nurse just giggled then took the tray she had and began to leave, nodding at her patient as she did so.

  
Marco wasn't sure if Bertholdt knew that he had waken up yet, so he kept quiet. His eyes glanced over at Reiner, the blond sitting back in his chair with his head tilted back and arms crossed. His mouth was hanging open slightly, but he was dead asleep. He nudged him in the side, watching as the blond's eyes opened for a second but fell again. He hit him harder causing him to jump just slightly, instantly waking up at the sight of Bertholdt.

  
"-Ah!" Marco forced out a yawn, his hand going straight to his strained neck. He pretended like he had just woken up and finally announced himself as Bertholdt's head turned to look at him with the noise. "Bertholdt!"

  
"H-hey.." He stammered, his face red as he turned away from him. Marco leaned in from his seat, wanting to climb on the bed and hug his friend, but he held back.

  
"How're you feeling?" Marco started, but before Bertholdt could answer, he felt other questions pop out of his mouth.  "Are you alright? Have they said anything yet about what they're going to do? What about-"

  
"Jesus Marco, give him some time to think." Reiner cut him off rubbing at his sore neck. Marco looked at Reiner for a quick second and immediately turned back to Bertholdt. His eyes held worry in them, but he wasn't trying to bombard him with too many questions.

  
Bertholdt stared down at his hands, twiddling his thumbs. "I didn't...expect you guys to be here..."

  
"Of course we'd be here!" Marco exclaimed. "We didn't want to leave until we heard from you.." Marco let out a sigh, staring at his roommate. "...We were all...so worried.. I thought I lost you, Bertholdt...I'm sorry.."

  
"Ah, don't be.." He hummed, his eyes darting away from the pairs on him.

  
Reiner stretched his legs out, his eyes staring at any place but his friend's face. He felt uncomfortable and fidgety. He wanted to be anywhere but here right now, and at the same time, he didn't want to leave this place for as long as he could. His movement grabbed the ill man's attention.  
Bertholdt watched, his face nervous about what he had to say to him. The blond looked over at him, his mouth opening to say something, but closing after not knowing what to say. He turned his head to the side, his face covered in guilt.

  
"So what time did you wake up?"

  
Bertholdt's eyes shot towards Marco, but quickly darted away. He shrugged his shoulders. "A couple hours ago.. Idunno..."

  
Marco tried to make conversation, but it seemed like Bertholdt didn't want it. He let out a sigh. "Bertholdt...." The taller man brought his eyes up to him, almost like he was scared. Marco smiled. "I'm really happy you're here right now."

  
A half smile broke on his lips, but his eyes fell into his lap. There was an IV hooked up to him, the bag forcing in the nutrients that he had neglected for so long. It made him feel disgusting. Reiner glanced back at him and drew in a breath. Before he was able to get his thoughts together, the hallway echoed with a loud tapping of heels, the pair of feet heading towards their room. The two noticed Bertholdt's shoulders hunch up to him, almost as if he was trying to fold into himself as the woman that the footsteps came from stepped into the room.

  
Marco gasped immediately, causing Reiner to shoot him a look. Marco leaned towards the blond and whispered to him. "She's the lady from the infomercial, she sells those fubar pills." At first, Marco didn't understand what she was doing here. He thought maybe she was doing some kind of special with ill people, but the way she carried herself said otherwise. Marco made the connection when he stared at her face, and then over to Bertholdt. She went by Fubar, which was more than likely her original last name, but Bertholdt inherited what Marco assumed to be his father's, his last name being Hoover. A lot of things clicked in Marco's brain, realizing this. Reiner's eyes turned to look at her.

  
She was definitely fit, her short sleeved blouse showing off the toned muscle she had along her arms as well as the skirt she wore revealing the fit curves of her hips. She looked like a politician. Her hair was long, thick and jet black, the same color as Bertholdt's and her face bore a resounding similarity to the man on the bed. Same last name or not, anyone could tell that the two were blood just by looking at them. The thing that separated them the most was the fire that was burning in her dark eyes. She stared down at her son in disbelief, before taking her small handbag and tossing it to one of the two people she had following her. Reiner wasn't sure what they were, agents, or helpers who knew, but the guy grabbed it like it was a bomb.

  
"Are you kidding me right now..." She breathed out, spinning in place for a second as she ran her nails through her hair. She turned back to Bertholdt. "You know, I don't even know what to say to you right now, I can not believe this." Her jaw clenched together tightly. "Would you look at yourself, you look disgusting! Oh god, this just embarrassing. What in God's name is wrong with you? You're not eating? You're not a damn super model Bertholdt, why?" She watched him waiting for words that Bertholdt never gave her. Instead he began twiddling his fingers together, his ears turning red from embarrassment. "You _know_ your father has a lot of meetings that he has to go to and you're going to pull this shit _now_?!"

  
"..sorry..mom.." Bertholdt huffed out.

  
"I don't want to hear it. I can not believe how selfish of a person you are. Do you know what the hell this is going to do to _me_? To our business? I'm a fucking gym trainer, Bertholdt! I can't have the media find out I got a _skeleton_ for a son!"

  
Marco and Reiner both exchanged dumbfound and mad looks at each other, both in disbelief that someone as nice as Bertholdt came from someone as mean as this lady standing in front of them.

  
"Do you even give a damn about that? How do you think you're going to school right now? Who's going to pay this hospital bill when you get out? Of course you don't think about any of that, why should you when mommy and daddy pay for everything?"

  
"..I'm sorry..." Bertholdt repeated, his eyes not leaving his lap.

  
"Will you look at me when I'm talking to you?!" She snapped, making Bertholdt's eyes jump up to hers. A nurse stepped into the room at that point, biting her lip as she watched the scene play out while waiting for the right opportunity to speak up. "I had one of my workers get a hold of your school schedule. I thought your father said you weren't allowed to take any art classes?" Bertholdt let out a sigh as his eyes fell back into his lap. " _Look_ at me." His eyes shot up again. "What're you doing taking an art class? You're just ignoring what your dad says?"

  
"..It was just one class, I didn't think it was that big of a deal..." He forced out.

  
"Just one class? He said _no_ art classes. That doesn't mean you can take just 'one'." His mom let out a huff of air as she brought her hand to her face, but not actually touching it. "Your father and I are doing our best to not raise a complete loser and you just want to fight us all the way, don't you?" She stared down at Bertholdt waiting for an answer that she knew she wouldn't get. The nurse took this time to speak up.

  
"U-um, ma'am. Excuse me." She grabbed his mom's attention, her eyes snapping to the nurse. "We were just discussing with the doctor the possibility of sending your son to a Rehabilitation center to finish recoveri-"

  
" _Rehab_?" She repeated and then scoffed. "Are _you_ going to pay for that?" The nurse stared at her for a moment before trying to figure out how to answer the question.

  
"I... Ma'am, we have a list of places we could send him, and I'm sure there's bound to be more than one that your insurance will take."

  
Bertholdt's Mom disregarded her words and then turned to her son. "Are you going to pay for Rehab? Since you just want to throw our money away like it's nothing it seems. If you want to go so bad, how're you going to pay for it? Certainly not with your stupid little pictures."

  
"..Mom, please..." He choked out, his lip quivering.

  
She turned to the nurse again. "No, he's not going to rehab. In fact, I want him released as soon as possible so he can come back home, instead of out here, where he _clearly_ can't handle himself."

  
Bertholdt's face dropped, closing his eyes as if the weight of the world had just come crashing down on him. He brought his hands to his face like he was about to start sobbing.

  
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Everyone's attention in the room then all snapped to Reiner, standing up from his spot as he stared down the thin lady by his bedside.

  
"Excuse me?" She snapped. "Who do you think you are?"

  
Reiner completely disregarded her question and stepped up to her. "You just put your husband's job, your job, your business, and then your money all before your son's life and didn't even bat an eyelash doing so. You know he's in here for attempted suicide, right? Does that bother you at _all_?"

  
"Oh please," She scoffed, fanning a hand at him. "You know damn well that's just an attention plea."

  
Reiner's mouth moved and then snapped shut, completely done with her level of selfishness. "Then give him the fucking attention!" He threw his hands towards Bertholdt, the tall man's eyes staring in disbelief at the blond standing up for him.

  
Marco stood up at that point and grabbed her attention. "You know, it was because of your product that Bertholdt almost died last night. Then you want to pull him out of school, not let him go to a rehabilitation center, and get him released from the hospital as soon as possible, that might just be me, but I'm pretty sure that falls under neglect." Her jaw snapped together tightly while Marco continued. "Not to mention, you're so obsessed with your media image, what do you think people are gonna like more? A neglectful mother or one that actually gives a shit about their son?"

  
She was quiet for a moment while she held a venomous stare with Marco. She then turned to the nurse that stood dumbstruck by his mom's two agents. "Nurse, these two are not family members and I don't want them in here right now." Her voice was low and laced with enough venom to kill everyone in that room and then some.

  
Reiner tsk'd while Marco rolled his eyes. "Of fucking course.." Reiner mumbled under his breath. The nurse looked to them apologetically, but she didn't have to say anything. Marco and Reiner both stepped out of the room, trying not to make a scene anywhere else in the hospital. After the door had shut, Bertholdt's mom's burning gaze turned towards her son, her shoulders tense with anger.

  
Bertholdt let out a shaky breath of air, his eyes looking anywhere but at his moms. She pursed her lips and then took in a breath. She looked too angry to speak, but the tension in the air was already doing the damage that her words would've done. The nurse stood awkwardly in the room, the look on her face begging to find a reason to leave. Her two assistants kept their eyes on the floor, like they've been around this treatment from her before.

  
Bertholdt chewed on his lips, feeling his mother's eyes burning into him. He had only now really wished that he succeeded in meeting death. He was sure it was better than what his mother had in store for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if anyone wants to talk at all, my tumblr's skire.tumblr.com or my aot/snk blog is jeankirsctien.tumblr.com or ask me for my skype. Gushing about au's is kind of what I live for nowadays.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so... This is a monster of a chapter and even more so compared to my other chapters too.  
> I just couldn't decide on a spot that would be good to break it. I kept going further and further and then yeah, it ended up this long.  
> I'm sorry if it's too long D: But yeah! Lemme know whatcha think and such.  
> Also! Happy holidays everyone! Hope you guys get everything you wanted and all that you needed.

Reiner and Marco stood out in the hall way, Reiner with his arms crossed against his chest and leaning against the wall, while Marco sat on the floor, his knees close to his chest. "Jesus.." Marco breathed out. The blond's eyes shifted down to him for a moment before focusing back on the wall in front of him. "It feels weird to say it, but that just put everything into a whole new perspective."

  
"Yeah." Reiner commented. "It's no wonder Bertholdt doesn't have any confidence. He gets told he's wrong every time he tries to make a decision for himself."

  
"Ughh.." Marco threw his head against the wall with a loud 'thump'. "Reiner, she wouldn't let him take any art classes. That's all he wants to do is art! God, are parents really that mean to their kids? Like is this a common thing?" Reiner just shrugged. "My mom never talked to me that way. My dad either. What about you?"

  
"My mom left when I was younger.. And my dad worked all the time so I didn't see him much. When I did, he never acted like that."

  
"Oh.. I'm sorry.." Marco muttered.

  
"Don't be. He's a good guy and I love 'em. Don't need my ma." The blond looked down to Marco and then shifted his weight onto his other foot.

"Sorry. I'm kind of numb with rage right now."

  
Marco chuckled. "That's how I felt until you spoke up.. Thank you for doing that by the way."

  
"Me? You're the one that made her almost rip our faces off." Marco smiled and then leaned forward, looking down the hall to see if the door had opened or not.

  
"I don't want to leave until we get to talk to Bertholdt without her there."

  
Reiner nodded. "Yeah."

* * *

 

"Armin? Have you seen my phone at all?" The blond's head popped up from the couch, giving a glance to his roommate that was searching through his bag on their dinning room table. He turned to his guest that was sitting with him on the couch and mumbled a quick 'sorry, I'll be right back' while leaving her to sit by herself.

  
Annie, the one that was sitting on the couch, stared blankly at the now paused movie that they had been watching. She let out a huff as she slouched back into the cushion, her hoodie pulling upward when she did. They were in the middle of 'Silence of the Lambs,' and she hadn't ever actually seen it before, so she really wanted to finish it.

  
"Jean, I told you I haven't seen it.." Armin groaned going for the kitchen to grab his phone off of the counter. "I'm just gonna call it, alright?"

  
Jean pulled away from his bag and looked at him apologetically. "Alright."

  
Armin brought his phone to his ear and waited patiently for it to connect. Without ringing, it went straight to his voicemail prompt.

  
 _"Hey it's Jean. If I didn't answer, it's cause I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone."_

  
The blond pulled the phone away and clicked the end call button. "According to you, You didn't answer because you didn't want to talk."

  
Jean rolled his eyes and groaned. "Goddammit.. That must mean the battery's dead.. Fuck, I'm never going to find it..."  
  
The blond crossed his arms after putting his phone back on the charger. "You don't remember the last time you used it?"

"I've been without it for at least a day now. I didn't need it at all until a little bit ago.."

  
"You wanna use my phone?" Armin offered.

  
Jean shook his head. "No, not really. I just want to find mine now.. Fuck." Armin rose an eyebrow, feeling like there was something that Jean hadn't told him, but he didn't want to bother him with it when he had Annie waiting for him. He went to walk back towards the couch. "Look, unless you went into my room for some reason, it's not there, so that narrows your search down a little bit--Oh!" He spun back to his phone when he heard the ringer go off. His eyes met with the name and he immediately hid the screen away from Jean. "I gotta take this, I'll be right back." He then stepped outside answering the phone as he shut the door. "Hey Eren, what's up?"

  
Jean let out a sigh as he walked towards the living room to continue his search. He started with the smaller couch, not wanting to bother Annie, and after digging through the cushions, he didn't find anything. He turned to the couch she was sitting on and sighed. She made eye contact with him, but her facial expression didn't change. "Want me to move?"

  
Jean literally had to think about whether or not he wanted to search the couch for his phone enough to trouble her with it. "If you don't mind."

  
She didn't say yes or no, but just stood up from her spot and then settled on the floor, closer to the tv. Jean dug through the cushions, finding loose change and lint, but not a hint of his phone anywhere. He returned the cushions back to their proper place and then deflated on the couch with a sigh, throwing his head back. "Goddammit."

  
"No luck?" She commented. Jean shook his head.

  
"Nope. Never gonna find it. Fuckin' great. The one time in my life where I really need it and I can't use it." He groaned.

  
Annie raised an eyebrow. "Do you.. Need to use mine?" She offered.

  
"No, no, I just need to see the messages on there from someone.."

  
"Oh." She breathed, turning and playing with her hoodie strings. Her hands twisted around the cloth and untangled as she tried to occupy herself until Armin got back. Jean pulled his head up to look at her.

  
"So, are you and Armin just friends, or what?"

  
Her eyes looked over at Jean, her expression not changing. "Why's that matter?"

  
"I'm just wondering. Gotta make sure I know what's okay to say, and what's not, you know?"

  
"If you have to think about it, it's probably not."

  
Jean raised an eyebrow. "So that's a no?"

  
"It's complicated Jean. Too complicated to explain right now." She huffed.

  
"So it's a yes, but a keep it on the down low yes?"

  
"..." Annie took in a breath like it was all she had to not get up and slap him across the face. "Are you familiar with different types of sexuality?"

  
"What? Like gay and bi and stuff?"

  
" 'and stuff'. Pfft." Annie rolled her eyes wanting to dismiss the topic.

  
"Sorry, sorry. There's just like, a dictionary of different terms on that, alright?" Jean apologized. The last thing he wanted was for his roommate's potential girlfriend to hate him. His best friend already did now, he couldn't leave Armin completely stranded.

  
"Well.. Do you know what Asexual is..?" She breathed.

  
"Yeah, that's the one where you're like, not into being horny and what-not right?"

  
Annie rolled her eyes again, putting her hand towards Jean and literally signaling for him to stop. "Just, nevermind. It's complicated, that's all you need to know." Jean stuck his tongue out at her when she turned around. "I can see your reflection in the tv, dumbass." She hissed.

  
The taller guy huffed and then took that as his cue to leave before she snapped his neck. Maybe he did have his phone somewhere in his bedroom.

* * *

 

"C'mon, Ymir. They said he was at the end of the hall!" Ymir rolled her eyes as she let her shorter girlfriend drag her through the hospital. She knew Krista was in a hurry, but Ymir's heart sank the more she thought about what they were about to walk into. She knew that Krista wasn't thinking, and that made her worry about how she was going to react when she saw Bertholdt. Ymir wasn't prepared for it. She didn't want to go in there and see their barely even a friend-friend lying in a hospital bed almost dead.

  
Ymir sucked it up though and quickened her pace to keep up with the short blond in front of her. They arrived at the designated room and Krista pulled it open, the two stepping inside and their eyes landing on the skeleton in the hospital bed. They froze immediately when they saw the sobbing mess that Bertholdt was, two men their age sitting off to the side of the bed.

  
"Bertie..?" Krista mouthed, grabbing everyone's attention. Ymir recognized the larger blond man as the one she sometimes spotted Bertholdt with after their art class, but she had no idea who the other man was. But hey, freckles.

  
Bertholdt's eyes widened in horror when they landed on the pair that walked in, his hands immediately wiping away the tears that were on his face. "O-oh..." He breathed. "W-why're you two-" He couldn't finish the question. Krista's hand left Ymir's and she jumped on him, pulling him into a hug.

  
"Oh God, we were so worried when we found out, I'm so glad you're alright!" Her blond hair filled Bertholdt's face, random strands sticking to the damp trail of tears. He was shocked by the hug, his hands hovering over her back. "Bertie, we came as soon as we could, gosh I'm so happy."

  
"...How..." Bertholdt breathed, his eyes landing on her as she pulled away. "How did you find out about it..?"

  
The blond went quiet as she turned to Ymir. Ymir shrugged. "There was a lot of noise going around about an ambulance leaving your dorm complex the other day.. Then you didn't show up for class. We put two and two together and called the hospital to see if you were here."

  
Bertholdt's eyes fell into his lap. "...sorry....." He breathed. He didn't know what else to say. He had forgotten all about these two, didn't even consider them when he was swallowing down a handful of pills. He made them worry and he felt bad.

  
"Yeah you better be." Ymir snapped. Marco, Reiner, and Krista all turned to her, while Bertholdt flinched inwardly. "You better be sorry about all the time you're gonna miss and all the gas I'm gonna waste having to come up here and visit your ass. You know the teacher submitted your project in for a competition?" The skeleton on the bed brought his eyes to look up at the tan women. "Everybody says you're gonna win it cause it blows all the other entries out of the water. You probably _are_ gonna win it because your artwork is absolutely _amazing_ , but you're not gonna know because you won't be there when they announce the winners. Instead you'll be in here-and you know what Bertholdt? If you don't get out of here and grab that goddamn shitty piece of plastic for your reward, I will come back here and seriously kick your ass."

  
"Ymir!" Krista snapped.

  
"-No! I mean it!" She crossed her arms over her chest and sent a death stare to Bertholdt. "I don't like worryin' and I'm not about to have you put me in a constant state of panic cause you don't realize that you're actually really pretty for a guy."

  
"-I- w-what?" Bertholdt blinked, his face turning a faint red.

  
Marco chuckled and Reiner turned his gaze to the floor. Krista smiled, turning his head back to the man on the bed. "She's just trying to say she cares about you. I do too." Her blue eyes locked onto his and all her features went soft. "I'd miss you a lot if you weren't with us.."

  
Bertholdt's lip quivered. "I.. I don't deserve this.. You're all being-"

  
"-Shut up man." Ymir cut him off. "You deserve the best, just like everybody else does. Right now, especially."

  
Marco nodded in agreement. "Regardless of what you say, we're all still going to be here for you, _Bertie_." Marco emphasized the new nickname, his roommate's eyes landing straight into his lap.

  
Reiner smiled, but it quickly faded looking at Bertholdt. He had a weight on his shoulders that he wanted to roll off, but he just couldn't. "Bertholdt..." He breathed, the tall man turning his head towards him. It was the first time the blond had said something to him directly since they had been here. "I..." He stopped, thought over his words and tried again. "I'm..." Marco turned to face the blond, almost for encouragement. "I'm so sorry for what I said to you. God-" He cut off, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, burying his face into his hands. "I'm such a prick. I wish I would've been more honest with you from the beginning, maybe then.. Maybe then this wouldn't have happened."

"..." Bertholdt's heart skipped, tangling his fingers in the sheet that draped over his lap. He had a lot to say to Reiner, but he didn't know if he could dig out any courage in him after sitting through so much embarrassment already that day. "It...still would've happened..." He breathed.  
  
Reiner pulled his face from his hands, looking over at him. "Bertholdt, I could've-"

  
"-No, I mean it." He cut him off. "Regardless of what you did, I would still be sitting in this stupid paper thin gown and have this gross plastic tube in me. My mom's right, I'm pathetic. I can't take care of myself, I can't help myself. I can't do anything right for myself, I couldn't even _kill_ myself right!"

  
"Your mom is no where near right about any of that!" Marco cut in, but Bertholdt shook his head, ignoring his words.

  
"She is though! She always is." His lip quivered as his hands clenched the sheet tightly. "I'm selfish. I should've thought about what this would do to her. I should've kept my mouth shut instead of making Marco worry. I should've just fucking ate to keep Reiner from being so stressed out that he couldn't stand me anymo-"

  
"-Oh my god, _shut up!_ " Ymir stopped Bertholdt from rambling. "You don't get to sit there and tell the people who are here for you how they feel about you. I don't care what you think you are, you're wrong." Krista nodded her head in agreement. "You might be something, but selfish is not it."

  
"Bertholdt." Marco leaned forward in his seat, placing his hand over his roommates, causing him to relax his grip slightly. "If you ever think that your problems aren't a good enough reason for me to worry, I'm telling you right now that I'd rather be worried every second of the day than to know you're bottling up _anything._ " Their eyes locked, Bertholdt's glossy and the beginning of tears pooling in them.

"B-But, it's not fair to-"

  
Marco squeezed his hand tighter, cutting him off from finishing his thought. "I don't care. You're so important to me and when I thought that you were gone, I was so scared." He chuckled for a second and then continued. "It sounds stupid, but while we were waiting, I couldn't stop thinking about all the things I never got to tell you. I found myself thinking that if you didn't make it, who the hell was I gonna tell about this stupid shirt I saw at the store?"

  
"Yeah! And if you didn't make it, who else would I get help from on my art projects?" Krista added in. Marco smiled at her, Ymir nodding.

  
"And who else am I supposed to get to help me finish my project at the last second, eh?"

  
Krista giggled. "Help? I don't really think throwing your paper at him and bribing him with money is really helping."

  
Marco brought his hand away from Bertholdt. "Who am I supposed to play castle crashers with?"

  
Tears started falling from Bertholdt's face, his lip quivering and his hands shaking. "I-I'm not-..." He took a minute to wipe away at his face and sniffle. "I didn't think anyone would be here.. I didn't think anyone cared."

  
"We all care about you, Bertholdt." Reiner spoke softly. "Marco fought me tooth-and-nail about taking care of you. He wanted to show me that you could do it on your own. Marco's had so much faith in you and I know that hasn't been lost." The blond's eyes turned away from Bertholdt. "And it wasn't fair of me to decided whether or not I was in your life. Whether or not you want to talk to me after this is for you to decide. I'll be here for you until then, I mean it."

  
Ymir looked over at the clock and let out a sigh. Bertholdt couldn't express the feelings that were going through him at the moment. Even if it wasn't a lot of people, they were still here and they were here for him. He felt dumb. "Look, I got a class I got to get to, so we're gonna go. We'll be back soon though, you better count on it." Ymir threatened.

  
Bertholdt smiled and nodded. "Alright..I'll probably be here for a while..." He mumbled. Krista walked over to him and gave him a much tighter hug then her first one.

  
"Get better soon, okay?"

  
"Yeah.." He breathed watching as the two left.

  
Reiner stood up from his spot and stretched, letting out a groan. He turned to Marco and nodded towards the door. "I'm gonna leave for a bit actually. I never did do what I was planning to when I ran into you. I can drop you off if you want."

  
Marco shook his head. "Nah, I'm gonna stick around here for a bit."

  
"You sure?" The freckled man hummed his response. "Alright, call me if you need a ride." He waved to Marco and then turned to Bertholdt, an awkward feeling bubbling inside of him. He wasn't sure how to say goodbye so he rushed out a quick bye and turned for the door. His body halted for a second and his eyes turned back towards the thin frame that was lying in the bed, watching as his fingers twisted and tangled around each other. He hesitated but decided that there wasn't any reason to try and act tough any longer when this man was crumbling beside him. "Fuck it," He breathed to himself, turning on his heel and walking up to his bedside. He quickly brought the raven-haired man into a tight embrace, burying his face into Bertholdt's shoulder. "If you weren't here Bert, I wouldn't know who the hell I'd ever want to waste my time with. Games, shopping, whatever. It wouldn't be the same without you."

  
Bertholdt felt tears fall from his face far too often that day, but out of all the tears he shed, those were probably the only ones that he was happy to. His frail arms wrapped around the blond as he tried to hold back a sob and for the first time he felt a kind of warmth that he didn't think he'd ever be allowed to feel. Their hug ended way sooner than Bertholdt would've liked, but he didn't protest. Reiner left without another word, leaving Marco sitting by himself next to Bertholdt.

  
The tall man used the sheet to wipe the tears on his face, sniffling as a smile broke out on his lips. Marco lightly put his hand on his shoulder. "I thought for sure that I'd be the first one to hug you, but I've been pushed to last place, huh?"

  
Bertholdt chuckled, his hands falling back into his lap for the hundredth time that day. "He smelled like coconuts.." He breathed out, his cheeks burning red.

* * *

 

"Jesus, it shouldn't be this cold already.." Levi shivered, pulling his jacket around him tighter as he slouched in the wooden bench he sat at. Yeah, winter was coming, but it should still be fall right now. His eyes stared blankly at the cement of the park trail before going over to the pair of shoes next to him. He brought his gaze to the brunette beside him and let out a sigh. "Well? Are you gonna talk, or did you just call me out here for some bird watching?"

  
Eren sent a side glance to Levi before bringing his attention back to the ground. He was quiet for the entire twenty minutes that they had been sitting there. His lips parted like he was going to say something, but no words came out. Instead he opted for a sigh, leaning forward onto his knees and dropping his head into his hands.

  
Levi crossed his arms over his chest, burying his fingers under his armpits to keep them warm. "Bird watching it is then.." He breathed, taking his gaze away from the brunette and staring at the few birds that pecked at the ground.

  
When Levi told Eren about his transfer, they both agreed on cutting their little 'fuck-sessions' and letting Levi have as normal of a life as a teacher could, but somehow he found himself out in the cold on a day he could be home drinking hot tea. He knew deep down that he was actually worried for the brunette sitting next to him, but at the same time, he couldn't help but want to just tell him to wait it out and realize he'll get old enough for it to not matter anymore.

  
"Do you love me?"

  
Levi's gaze shifted back to the brunette, his face buried in his hands. "Hn?" He hummed, wondering if he heard right.

  
"Do you love me?" Eren repeated.

  
"No." Levi stated bluntly.

  
There was another sigh that escaped from Eren's lips, his shoulders slouching. Levi couldn't even find it in himself to feel guilty for the kid. Maybe he was an asshole, or maybe it's because saying yes wouldn't have really made a difference.

  
"Does anyone love me?" He laughed, asking the question rhetorically.

  
"Eren." The brunette kept his head buried in his hands, but he let out a weak hum to show acknowledgment. "You knew what you were doing when you thought it'd be a good idea to try and go after your _math_ teacher. What happened between you and Jean is all your fault-- Well, mine too I guess, but that doesn't really matter." Levi shook his head, almost losing track of what he wanted to say. "I don't know what happened to that hunger you had when this whole 'us' thing started but you need to get it back and stop acting like a kicked puppy."

  
"Hunger?" Eren questioned, his voice low. "You mean lust?"

  
"No, I mean having a fuckin' goal asshat." Levi brought his hands away from his chest and buried them in his pockets, kicking his leg up and resting it on his knee. "You got sick of Jean cause you got bored. You should've broken up with him, but you didn't."

  
"I _know._ " Eren scoffed. "I'm sick of ever-"

  
"-Don't interrupt me." Levi cut him off, shooting him a look. Eren rolled his eyes and turned his head away from the older man. He felt a hand land on his thigh and turned back towards Levi, his eyes shooting to the ground after connecting with the cold pair in front of him. "You've got this drive in you for doing new things and being the best you can be. I know because you were like that at the beginning of the year. I wouldn't have tried to help if you didn't have it. Your work plummeted, your grade was the lowest ever in just over a week and I'm sure it's cause you lost your goal. You stopped loving Jean. It happens. Shit _happens._ Stop dragging your feet in the dirt and find yourself a new thing to chase after. You don't have to be in a relationship to not feel lonely. "

  
"..." Eren sat back against the bench, his eyes staring up at the cloudy sky. "I just.. You weren't there, Levi. You didn't see how he looked. God, Jean was so hurt.. I just feel like I'm supposed to fix it.."

  
"Probably because that's what you did for the past three years." Levi shrugged. Eren nodded in agreement. "Look, try to talk to him."

  
"I already did.. It made things worse." Levi cocked an eyebrow at the brunette.

  
"No, I'm almost positive you probably went to try and give him some kind of apology speech, huh?" He smiled when he saw the blush creep over Eren's face. "Just go up to him, punch in the fuckin' jaw and brawl it out. Then tell him you still want to be friends. Be yourself, not a hero."

  
"Huh..." Eren breathed tossing the idea around in his head. His eyes pulled away from the ground and up to Levi. "Hey, have you hit someone you loved? Or once loved?"

  
" _HAH_." Levi threw his head back like Eren had just asked the stupidest question ever. "Oh my god." He paused for a second to collect his thought before he went on. "I had a girlfriend back in junior high, a great ol' young love type of thing. We dated until our freshmen year, then I found out she had been sleeping with this other guy. It was a stupid thing to do, but I was just so hurt and mad that I just went up to him and punched him right in his nose, completely broke it." Eren's eyebrows went up in surprise. "The kid had blood all down his face and then ended up tackling me into the ground and beating my ass for a second. I got a couple more good hits in before we just looked at each other and he went 'Dude, this is stupid.' and we stopped."

  
"You guys just stopped fighting? What happened about the girl?"

  
"Oh, I dumped her. The guy she was cheating on me with ended up taking me out for like, a dinner or something, I don't remember. But it was his way of saying sorry and we realized that we both liked a lot of the same stuff and got pretty close after that."

  
"Did you date?"

  
"Nah, he was more of a brother type of love. Long story short, we went to school together, and he actually got me the job at your school." Levi shrugged his shoulders, to which Eren scrunched his eyebrows together.

  
"What? Does he work there?"

  
"Yeah."

  
"Well, who is he?!" Eren questioned.

  
"It's actually a 'she' now, but it doesn't matter." Levi dismissed the subject, leaving Eren obviously frustrated over the missing face. "Point is, they've been a close friend out of a weird circumstance and sometimes sorry comes in different ways than words. If you think Jean's someone you want to keep in your life, go for it. If you think you'd be better without him, drop him. Get over this bump and find something new to go after. You'll feel like yourself again when you've got that goal back."

  
Eren bit his cheek, turning the other way. "Well.. I mean.." He took in a breath. "Maybe you could tell me more stories at like, a coffee shop or something? We could get some hot drinks and just talk-"

  
"Eren, are you trying to ask me out on a date?" Levi cooed teasingly.

  
The brunettes face burned red, his eyes looking anywhere but at the man sitting next to him. "No!" He spat out. "I just! I'm confused right now and I'd like your advice, that's _all._ "

  
Levi didn't buy it but he didn't pick on him anymore about it. He shook his head and then stood from his spot, grabbing the brunette's attention. His teal eyes shot up to Levi's cold onyx ones and a look of hesitation glistened in them. Levi nodded his head, bringing the brunette to his feet and quickly following alongside him as they headed towards a cafe. "If it's a date, you're buying." Levi chuckled.

  
"Well it's not, so whatever." Eren choked out.

* * *

 

"Jean! Someone's here for you!" Armin hollered out upon finding Reiner standing at their doorstep. Annie had been long gone, but the taller of the two decided on staying holed up in his room for the better part of the day.

  
Armin stepped aside to the let the large man in and then walked back towards his spot on the couch, browsing through the shows on the tv guide before settling on some kind of documentary.

  
Reiner's eyes looked around the dorm. He had only ever dropped Jean off here, but had never been inside. It was nice. It looked spacious and it was also kept rather clean, but Reiner was sure that had more to do with Armin living there than Jean. His attention was brought towards the hallway when he saw Jean stepping outside of his room, wearing black sweats, a white band shirt and a red paper-thin hoodie. He looked confused to see Reiner as he stepped out into the living area, his eyebrows knit together. "Reiner?"

  
"Eyy," Reiner chuckled, holding out Jean's cell phone and shaking it for him to see.

  
Jean's shoulders dropped in relief. "Oh my god..." He breathed out stepping towards him to get his phone. "You have _no_ idea how long I've been looking for this thing." He took it from the blond and held the power button, watching as it started to boot up. "You had it this whole time?"

  
"Yeah, and it's a good thing too," Reiner looked over at the blond on the couch and then gave Jean a face that was clearly asking for some privacy. Jean turned on his heel and then waved for him to follow him into his room. The two headed down the hallway and stepped inside of the messy and torn apart room that Jean slept in. "Jesus, you weren't kidding about looking for that phone, huh?"

  
Jean looked defeated at all the clothes and items he had tossed about in his room. He waved it off and then took a seat in his computer chair, facing away from his desk. Reiner sat down on his bed. "You look exhausted."

  
"Oh you don't even know..." Reiner breathed. "So, the fact that you left your phone at my place was probably the greatest thing that had ever happened because if you didn't, well.. Bertholdt might've died."

  
Jean's face dropped. He shook his head, trying to re-process what the blond said. "What? What do you mean? Is he alright?"

  
"Yeah, now he is. I mean better than before at least." Reiner rubbed his eyes letting out a sigh. "He tried to kill himself the other night. Marco went out for some groceries, I was actually on my way over here to drop off your phone when I saw him. Picked him up, went to his apartment, and Bertholdt was unconscious in his room."

  
"Oh my god, is that what that ambulance everyone's been talking about was?"

  
"Probably. That's what he went to the hospital in." Reiner threw himself back against the bed. "Jean, he almost died. Your stupid fucking phone saved his life."

  
The thinner man looked down at the small device in his hand, his phone going off with all kinds of new notifications. He let out a breath. "Shit.." Jean chewed on his lip for a second, staring down at the messages that flooded his inbox, knowing who they all came from. "Is he doing alright? I mean, what were the doctors saying?"

  
"They have him on an IV and they're trying to get him signed over into Rehab, but-UGH." Reiner threw his hands over his face letting out a frustrated groan. "His _mom_ was there. His fucking-" The blond sat up on the bed and locked eyes with his friend. "Jean I have never in my life had an urge to break someone's neck as much as I did in that room with his piece of shit of a mother."

  
"Oh." Jean blinked. "She sounds like a wonderful lady."

  
"You don't understand. Oh my god the way she was talking to him. She's trying to make the hospital let him go early. Skip rehab and then pull him out of school and bring him home."

  
"Wait, Bertholdt's over 18 right? Only he can sign for a release." Jean stated.

"Yeah," Reiner nodded. "He knows that and the nurse talked to him for like, an hour about how he should not listen to what his mom said. She's fuckin' satan man."

 

Jean chuckled. "Jesus, he goes through all that shit and nearly dies and then has a satanic mom to welcome him back.. God, I feel bad for him."

  
"You should see him, Jean. He looks horrible. I mean, he really really looks horrible." Reiner shook his head, pulling his phone out and checking to see if Marco had tried to reach him yet. "I'll be heading back to pick Marco up, I don't know if you wanted to join me."

  
Jean shook his head a little too quickly for his liking. He then held his phone up to Reiner and sighed. "I don't think I'm ready to look at either of them yet. Especially not when I've got 12 text messages to read through from Marco."

  
"Oh, that's right." Reiner sighed. "Jesus, could you have picked a better time to sleep with him? Should've waited until now, Hell knows he could use a good lay."

  
Jean was quiet for a minute, not even able to fake a laugh. "..H-How is he...? Marco I mean."

  
"Pretty shitty." The blond looked over at Jean and sighed. "Pretty fucking shitty. Roommate just tried to kill himself and his best friend fucks him and then doesn't talk to him. The amount of shit going through his head right now.."

  
"Did he say anything about me?"

  
"No."

  
Jean let out a sigh of relief. "That's good. I'll have to think of something to tell him, I don't know just to stop him from worrying..."

  
"You should really go see him.. Both of them actually. Bertholdt could use all the support he can get." Reiner urged, but Jean shook his head.

  
"Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow if I'm up for it, but I don't think Bertholdt will really appreciate me walking in there like he was just a back burner thought. I'd rather stop and get him something, I dunno a card or flowers or something." Reiner shrugged and then let out a yawn.

  
"So what's your boyfriend been blowing up your phone with?"

  
Jean rolled his eyes. "Idunno, I'm scared to look."

  
The blond sighed, watching the flood of thoughts consume his friends face. "What're you gonna do about Marco?"

  
"I... " Jean dropped his head into his hands, raking his fingers through his hair stressfully. "I don't know, Reiner.. I shouldn't have done that.. Shit, I was just so done with everything and..." He let out a sigh and sat back in his seat. "It was weird.. We were just sitting there, talking and it felt like for a second the only thing I wanted was to sit there and stare at him for hours. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to look away from all that hope and desire in his eyes..."

  
"What happened?"

  
"He tried to kiss me." Jean chuckled. "I panicked and just ran from it. I was scared what might've happened from that. I mean, Eren.." His voice dropped into a whisper, his eyes staring blankly at the ground. "I thought I felt that way for Eren and now he's... Gone." Reiner stayed quiet, watching as Jean's face dropped into one of sadness. The thinner man shook his head. "I can't believe I'm saying all of this right now.. I'm sorry, What happened with Bertholdt is way more important than any of this.."

  
"Hey, man it's fine." Reiner waved it off. "There's so much shit going on right now. Bertholdt's alright, that's all I really cared about. Besides you do gotta figure out what you're gonna tell Marco. Maybe you should tell him it was a mistake."

  
"I can't do that.." Jean breathed. "No one wants to be told their feelings were a mistake. Shit..."

  
"Not that," Reiner started. "I mean, jumping the gun. It was a mistake to go to that extreme so suddenly. You're not ready, just tell him that."

  
Jean remained silent as his hands tossed his phone around. He bit his lip as he finally unlocked his phone and read through the many messages that Marco had sent him.

  
 **Marco** : Hey!

  
 **Marco** : We should really talk

  
 **Marco** : You're not mad at me, are you?

  
 **Marco** : Please pick up your phone

  
 **Marco** : Jean, I'm really confused right now and it'd be a lot easier if you'd talk to me.

  
 **Marco** : Can you please just respond? You don't have to say anything, just a letter or something.

  
 **Marco** : I get it. I'll leave you alone. Sorry.

  
 **Marco** : I know you won't come but I'll be down at the store if you wanted to meet up.

  
 **Marco** : Please come get me

  
 **Marco** : Jean please Bertholdt's in trouble I can't make it please

  
 **Marco** : Im not going to make it please pick up please

  
 **Marco** : Help me

  
"Fuck..." Jean breathed reading over all of the messages he had. "Oh fuck." He felt a weight in his gut as his eyes read over the panicked messages. Marco really needed him to be there for him and Jean had just blew him off like he was nothing.

  
Reiner cocked an eyebrow to his reaction, watching as Jean went pale reading each message. He didn't want to ask, and truth be told he was more worried about Bertholdt than anything else at the moment. He wanted to go back to the hospital and see how he was holding up, but he knew that the man needed some kind of time to himself.

* * *

 

Marco watched the thin frame on the bed as he brought a piece of granola to his lips and chewed on it slowly. He was happy that Bertholdt was eating, even if it was forced upon him by his nurse. He didn't look nearly as disgusted with the food as he normally did, so Marco assumed he must've been better somehow. The tall man felt his friend's eyes on him and turned to look at him. "What?" He breathed, looking embarrassed for a moment.

  
Marco immediately brought his hands up in defense. "Oh, nothing. Sorry I zoned out."

  
"You don't need to stay here you know." Bertholdt commented, taking another bite out of the granola bar.

  
"Yeah, but I want to." Marco shrugged. "I like talking with you."

  
"Yeah?" Bertholdt smiled as Marco nodded. "Then you wanna tell me what that bruise on your neck is..?" He asked, his voice teasing.

  
Marco's face went red as his hand went to cover up a hickey that poked out just above his collar. His heart squeezed in pain as he thought about how it got there. Bertholdt's face went soft when he saw the way the pain took over Marco's features. "Marco...?"

  
"It's uh..." Marco let out a sigh as his eyes fell to the floor. "From Jean, actually."

  
"You don't look happy..."

  
"Heh," Marco's voice wavered for a minute, his lip quivering just slightly before he got control over himself. "He won't talk to me now."

  
"..." Bertholdt brought his food away from his mouth, staring down at the foil wrapper. His thoughts swam around in his head, his heart race increasing. There was a long silence in the air before Bertholdt finally spoke up. "Go out with me."

  
Marco's eyes dragged away from the floor and up to the man sitting on the bed. He stared at him in disbelief for a long moment before stuttering. "U-Uh...What?" He huffed out.

  
"Marco," Bertholdt brought his eyes to the man sitting beside him, their eyes locking. "Go out with me."

  
Marco's face went red, a blush taking over all his features. He brought his hand to his face, looking around the room and tripping over himself. "I-I don't.. Oh.. Y-You don't want to date me, I'm-"

  
"I don't want to pretend anymore. We can just.. We can do stuff like, with each other..like.. As each other and..." Bertholdt trailed off looking down at his hands. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that."

  
Marco placed his hands awkwardly in his lap, his eyes looking at anything in the room but his roommate. There was a silence that took over the atmosphere, making everything uncomfortable. "I....Yes.. Yes, I'll go out with you, yes." Bertholdt looked over at Marco, his eyes doubting his words. "I'm...in love with Jean.. I know I am, but why should that stop me from being with anyone else, right?" Bertholdt smiled, watching as Marco's face went a darker shade of red. "So yeah. Yes. I'll date you."

  
The two sat in silence, both having a faint blush decorating their cheeks. Marco twiddled his thumbs and bit his lip. He looked at Bertholdt, watching as he played with the wrapper of the granola bar he had been eating. "Um.. What if.. What if Reiner wants to.. I mean or if Jean.." Marco couldn't make his thoughts make sense.

  
Bertholdt watched him try to form the words together and then cut him off. "I don't know.. I'm tired of waiting around for Reiner.. I guess we'll figure it out when we get there huh...?"

  
"Yeah.." Marco breathed. He found himself chewing on his lips again. "So.. Boyfriend.. Ah, you're my 'boyfriend.'..Gosh, it feels weird.." Bertholdt chuckled as he watched Marco fumble over himself. The freckled man then took a look at the clock and sighed. "I'm sorry Bertholdt, I should really get back home. It's late and I got class tomorrow."

  
"It's alright. I told you you didn't have to stay.."

  
"Yeah but..." Marco shook his head, dismissing the thought. He smiled and stood from his spot, leaning over Bertholdt's bed and pulling the thin man into a hug. "Feel better, alright?" Bertholdt hugged him back. Marco went to pull away, but he stayed close to Bertholdt, peeking over his shoulder and looking at the doorway. When he was sure that no one was there, or would be anytime soon, Marco turned back to Bertholdt and gave him a quick kiss, making the thin man on the bed turn a deep shade of red as Marco quickly ducked out of the room.

  
After Marco ran away from his sloppy attempt at a goodbye kiss, he stepped outside and let the cold autumn night calm down his hot face. "Boyfriend...hn.." He played with the words on his mouth for a second before shaking the awkward feeling off of him and digging into his pocket for his phone. He didn't have any service being in the hospital, so if Reiner had tried to get a hold of him, he wouldn't have known. Marco pulled up his number and dialed it, hoping it wasn't too late for the blond to swing by and grab him. He picked up after the second ring.

  
" _You still at the hospital?"_ He asked, sounding rather awake.

  
"Yeah, I just left Bertholdt's room a minute ago. Wanted to know if I could still catch you up on that offer for a way home."

  
 _"Yeah man, I just left je- ah,"_ Reiner cut off in a cough, Marco's heart twisting into a knot at the unfinished name. He heard the blond mumble something under his breath and then came back to the conversation. _"Sorry, ah, I'll be there in like fifteen minutes."_

  
"Alright, I'll be here." The phone call ended, Marco turning around and heading back into the waiting room of the hospital.

* * *

 

Jean found himself standing in front of Bertholdt's hospital room, a bouquet of flowers in his hand and a card that Armin, Reiner, and even Annie had signed on top of his sloppy signature. He took in a breath, knowing in the back of his mind that he was just wasting time up here. He took the risk of hoping that Marco would be in class and headed his way here, praying that Marco didn't decided to skip for his friend. Jean was ready to face his almost dead friend, but not ready to face Marco, how comical was that? He turned the doorknob, hoping that maybe Bertholdt might even be asleep and he could slip out of there without having to sit in an awkward silence.

  
Much to his dismay, Bertholdt's eyes shot to the door when he heard it open. His face held shock in it when he saw Jean standing there with a bunch of colorful flowers. "...Oh." He breathed.

  
"Uh.. Hey," Jean hummed, stepping into his room. He looked around the bed, and saw a spot on the table beside Bertholdt for him to put the flowers. He had some cheap dollar store bought vase to hold them in place, and it barely did it's job, teetering just a bit as Jean set the flowers down. He then reached inside his jacket and pulled out the 'Get Well Soon' card that he had, holding it out to Bertholdt. "It's lame, I know. Stereotypical, but it's hard to be original these days."

  
Bertholdt chuckled, skimming over the phrase and reading the little messages that everyone left for him. He closed the card, holding it in his hands. "Thanks, but I really wasn't expecting you to be bringing me any flowers. I mean... Flowers?" Bertholdt questioned looking over at the bouquet.

  
Jean shrugged, taking a seat in one of the waiting chairs. "Hey, they're colorful and they smell nice. I actually feel like a hospital visit is one of the few times flowers are an acceptable gift."

  
"They do look nice.." Bertholdt mouthed as he ran his fingers along the silk like petals.

  
"Reiner said you're gonna be here for a little while. Hopefully they don't die before you get released." Jean commented.

  
Bertholdt shook his head. "Ah, actually." He paused for a minute before letting out a sigh. "My mom ended up talking to my nurse and getting everything worked out for me to go a Rehabilitation center."

  
"Oh, no shit?" Jean smiled. "Dude, that's great-" He cut off when he saw the look of disappointment on Bertholdt's face. He leaned back in his seat. "You're... Not happy about going?"

  
Bertholdt looked up at Jean. "No...I don't want to go. I mean.. The nurse has had me on these anti-depressants now, and I _do_ feel a lot better than before. I know it's not the same thing, but...Some people never get out of those places, you know?"

  
"Well, if you're really feeling better about it, then you won't be there for long, right?" Jean pushed, trying to encourage his friend.

  
Bertholdt just shrugged, taking the card he had in his lap and placing it on the table next to the flowers. He was quiet for a long moment, like he was trying to figure out what to say next. It was more about whether or not he should say it, but after the spiral he had been on, he figured he would. "I asked Marco out the other day.."

  
Jean's eyes widened, his heart clenching tight in his chest when he heard his friend's name. "Y-You wh..." He trailed off taking in a breath to compose himself. "H-How uh... What'd he say?"

  
"He said yes..." Bertholdt smiled, looking down at his lap. Jean couldn't really understand the feeling that shot through his heart at that moment, but it made him lose his voice. His mind went numb and his heart throbbed with a pain he was getting way too comfortable with lately.

  
"That's..." It took every ounce of self restraint to not scream the words that were blaring through his head right then. _That's bullshit! You're supposed to like Reiner._ "That's awesome, man." He forced out a laugh that sounded way too fake for his liking. Bertholdt's eyes tore away from his lap and onto the man sitting next to him. "I thought you two were already a thing, honestly."

  
The thin man stared at him for a long moment, as if he was reading right through him. He almost wanted to ask why the hell he looked so upset about it, but he couldn't bring it in himself to be like that much of a dick. Instead, he went back to what he was originally talking about. "If I go to that Rehabilitation center, I'm not going to be able to see him for a while. It could be a really long time, depending on how I do there. I.. Probably should've waited honestly.. Waited until I was better, you know? But it makes me want to get better.. And then.." Bertholdt's eyes landed on the get well soon card that Jean had brought him. "Everyone else.. I just feel like a big disappointment and I want to change that."

  
"Ah," Jean breathed. It was hard to process the words Bertholdt was sputtering out. He shook his head as he tried to bring himself back down to reality, pushing the twisting pain in his gut to the back of his mind. "Bertholdt that sounds great.. I mean, you do. You sound great. Way better than the last time I saw you."

  
"I'm.. I'm trying." Bertholdt mumbled.

  
"Good. That's all that matters right? If you're not trying then.. Idunno. You're just doing nothing, I guess."

  
"Jean, are you alright?" Bertholdt commented, his eyebrows coming together in confusion. Jean's eyes locked onto his and he looked like for a moment he was about to cry. He licked his lips, pursing them together and turning to look towards the door.

  
"Yeah, yeah.." He spoke, holding his breath. "I-I should get going though, I mean, I've got homework and class and all that jazz."

  
Bertholdt's eyes took hold of every move that Jean made, he knew those movements way too well. His heart skipped for a moment, regret flowing through him as he realized what dating Marco would do. He watched as Jean stood up from his spot, his legs looking like they were about to give out on him. He watched as Jean's fingers brushed over the soft petals of the flowers he brought. He watched as Jean walked away from his bed side, leaving crumbling pieces of himself behind in jagged breaths. He watched as Jean almost ran out the door, his hand shooting up to his mouth like he was going to vomit.

  
Then he was gone.

  
Bertholdt's gaze moved from the now empty doorway over to his get well soon card that suddenly felt a bit too out of place for him.

* * *

 

Jean's throat felt thick and like it was about to close up. His eyes were burning and begging for him to cry, his nose getting runny as he tried not to draw attention to himself by sniffling.

  
Stumbling out of a building on the verge of tears and in pain.

  
It felt so familiar that it nearly knocked him over with a pulse of old pain mixed with new pain. He didn't understand what he was thinking. He didn't understand what he was feeling. He couldn't quite get why it was so hard for him to breathe and God-fucking-dammit, where the hell did he park?

  
He used his sleeves to wipe at his eyes, catching his tears before they pooled over. Once he could see again Jean sniffled loudly, the sound lost in the outside. He dragged his body over to his car, shaking fingers pulling the handle and nearly collapsing into his seat. Why was he hurting?  
Why the hell was he in so much pain? Why did he feel so betrayed when he was the jackass that pushed Marco away? Fuck, why did Bertholdt ask him out in the first place?

  
No, blaming Bertholdt for this was wrong. He didn't know a lot then, but he knew that much. How could he blame Bertholdt? He just went through probably some of the worst feelings in his life, he deserved to be happy, right?

  
So why couldn't he have gotten the balls to ask Reiner out? Reiner couldn't have possibly turned him down after watching him almost commit suicide.

  
Fuck, why did he even care?

  
Jean's hands clutched onto his steering wheel, throwing his head against the rim. He wanted someone to run to right now, but who did he have? If it wasn't Eren it was always Marco. How could Jean even bring himself to call him and tell him how he felt and that it was his fault? He had never felt so lost in his life. Lonely.

  
This is what it felt like, wasn't it?

  
This is how he felt all the time, wasn't it?

  
Jean didn't realize he had tears streaming down his cheeks until he laughed at the irony of his dilemma.

  
Of course when he finally wanted something, finally began to really crave for something, of course that was when he couldn't have it. Of course it was when the hand of opportunity pulled back and clenched into itself tighter than a sealed vault.

  
Jean's hands pulled away from the steering wheel, his eyes staring at the outside lights that dimmed on even though there was still sunlight in the sky. He brought himself together enough to pull his keys out and turn the car over. All he had to do was make it home and he could give himself his own self-therapy of crawling under his thick blanket and lying in the dark even if he wasn't tired. Maybe put his headphones in and listen to music that would force his feelings out of him in a vomit of heart twisting pain. Maybe he'd cry so much that his brain would shut down long enough to give it time to reboot and communicate properly with the rest of his emotions and he just wouldn't have to cry anymore. Maybe he would feel so much better, he'd be able to look at his phone and send his friend a congratulatory message. Maybe explain why he wasn't around the past couple of days. Tell him he wasn't intentionally avoiding him. Explain to him that he needed time and beg and plead for him to give him that time. Bury his face into the crook of his neck and wrap his arms under the warm sweater that dangled off his shoulders. Suck in all of his warmth and beg for him to be patient enough to allow Jean to build up his own warmth. To beg and plead and scream for him to not turn away. To beg and plead and scream how sorry he was. How stupid he was. How confused he was.

  
Maybe turn something devastating into something beautiful.

  
But Jean couldn't even bring himself to think his name. Not when he knew that Marco was hurt and Bertholdt would give him the happiness that Jean refused to help with. Instead, Jean found himself dragging his feet through the door, his tear stained eyes locking onto blue as he saw Armin passed out on the couch and Annie showing more emotion in her face than he had ever seen. More concern in her face than Jean was used to getting.

  
Instead of crawling into his bed, he took a step into the hallway before Annie's footsteps followed behind him and he just collapsed. He hunched in over himself, his hands desperately trying to force the sobs back down his throat and the tears back into his eyes. But when cold fingers wrapped around his wrists and pulled his hands away from his face, the flood gates burst and Jean was crying harder than he had in a while. Her cold fingers brought Jean's tear stained ones around her waist and gently pressed his head into her neck, showing the concern of a loving mother. Her hands rubbed against his back, bringing him into a warmth he didn't ask for. She didn't say anything. She didn't hum anything either. Annie was just there, and that's all Jean really needed. It wasn't until his hiccups were louder than his sniffling did the two speak to each other. Jean simply just pulled away from her hug and looked down to their laps. "I'm a fuckin' winner, aren't I?" He joked, trying to ignore the wave of embarrassment that flowed through him from having to be comforted by a damn near stranger.

  
"All you boys are fuckin' winners." She chuckled out, returning the same level of sarcasm that Jean dished out. He smiled, using his sleeve to wipe at his face when Annie pulled her arms back to herself. "I understand, Jean." She breathed, brushing the back of her cold fingers against Jean's cheek. "God, do I understand that pain on your face.."

  
"..." He didn't want to say it, but for some reason the words slipped past his lips like it was nothing. "Eren cheated on me, I revenge-fucked Marco, and now Marco's dating Bertholdt." He sucked in a jagged breath. " And now somehow I feel like I'm inclined to pity myself and cry like this because I won't have Marco anymore."

  
"Why wouldn't Marco talk to you anymore? He's just dating someone, it's not enough to ruin a friendship.."

  
"I lost my phone after we had sex. He thinks I've been ignoring him." Jean shook his head, his lip quivering as it threatened to break into a crying fit again. "He called me when Bertholdt was in trouble and I didn't answer. He was begging for me and I just.."  
  
"..." Annie was quiet, but she put her hand onto his shoulder, offering as much comfort as she could. "I...Shit," She huffed out. "Jean, you gotta talk to Marco. There's so much miscommunication there, you can't let him feel the way he's feeling because he didn't know you lost your phone..."

  
"But he's dating Bertholdt now..."

  
"And?" Annie questioned.

  
"He'll just..." He sucked in a deep breath, his voice cracking. "If he dates Bertholdt, then Bertholdt'll get better. He'll do what he can to be healthier and get out so he can spend time with Marco and it'll make Marco happy, and if I'm not there then.. What's to stop him from being so happy, huh?"

  
The blond shook her head, rolling her eyes in the process. "Winners. All of you." She spat out. She brought her hands to cup Jean's face, forcing him to look at her. "Look, I'm not very good at being gentle about much of anything so I'm not even gonna try. Don't fucking _assume_ anything about _anyone's_ feelings. They aren't yours to have a say in, so don't act like you can control it. The best shot you got at any of that is to talk to Marco. I mean really _talk_ to him. You think that guy is just gonna blow you off and dismiss your words because he might be able to find happiness in a relationship? Goddammit Jean, it's _Marco_ you're talking about here, he's like, the epitome of second chances." Jean's eyes darted away from Annie's. She brought her hands down to her lap, knowing that Jean would listen to her, but he wouldn't believe her. She sighed. "Look, cry. Just fucking cry all you can, cry as much and as hard and for however long you can stand it, just fuckin' cry. It's good for you."

  
Jean's heart felt lighter and his shoulders didn't feel so weighed down. It wasn't like he was completely better, but her words did strike something in him, even if it was dull and small. He felt better. He felt a lot better than he would've if he did make it to his room and blocked the world out. He was happy that he was so wrong about his judgments of the girl sitting in the middle of the hallway with him, and he swore that she was someone he would stand up for no matter the situation after the way she was handling him now. He looked at her now and knew that in any instance, if anyone said something to her that he was present for he would knock them right in the jaw and tell them to shove it, cause God were they wrong about her. He wanted to say thank you, but he just couldn't get the words out of his throat. Instead he chuckled. "Can't wait to confuse Armin about how much I approve of you tomorrow."

  
"Eh, thanks but.." Annie trailed off, shrugging her shoulder. "Your approval doesn't exactly matter when there's not much there..."

  
"...What'dya mean...?" Jean questioned, not liking the sudden shift she went through.

  
She looked back up at Jean and shook her head. "Don't worry about it. You got too many things to worry about. I don't think you need me to gossip to you about anything right now."

  
He didn't quite believe her, but he figured that was her way of saying she didn't really want to talk about it. Instead, he just sat there, letting the weight on his mind shift around until both of their eyes snapped shut to the sudden hallway light flickering on above them.

  
"What the hell are you two doing...?" It was Armin, and he sounded like he just woke up from a power-nap. Jean immediately wiped his cheeks while Annie just shrugged her shoulders.

  
"We're just sittin' here playin' gay chicken. Tryin' to measure the level of gay Jean actually is compared to what he says he is."

  
"Oh," Armin rubbed his eye and let out a yawn.

  
"So far I'm calculating that he's more bullshit than rainbows." Jean couldn't help but laugh at her statement, and found himself laughing even harder when Armin didn't understand that Annie was messing with him.

  
"Uh, Alright.." The blond male breathed, turning to walk away like he was going to let them get back to business.

  
"Armin, she's kidding." Jean breathed, keeping his head away from him.

  
Armin just rolled his eyes and shook his head like he was done with her shit. Annie smiled, standing up from her spot and following the blond out into the living room. She gave Jean a look over her shoulder. "You wanna come out here with us?" She offered.

  
Jean just shook his head. "Nah, I'm gonna go to bed or jerk off or something." The blond just shrugged her shoulders and chuckled, turning back to Armin and heading into the living room with him.

  
Jean stood up from his spot on the floor and pulled himself into his room. God it was a mess. Clothes were everywhere, his school papers were covering any surface it could, and he had a stack of his books knocked over on the ground beside his bed. His desk was a mess. His closet was a mess. The only thing that looked remotely clean was his bed.

  
Jean let out a sigh, his breath skipping as he exhaled. He looked at his bed, contemplating throwing himself into it, but then stared back at the mess. It'd probably help take his mind off things if he straightened his room up.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, this chapter is just a taddd bit rushed towards the end. I apologize for that. I also apologize for how long it took to get an update. I've been very busy lately, and honestly have spent my free time on tumblr. I've moved accounts from the one I've previously had posted, so if you'd like to pester me for more chapters/information, you can do so either on my trash side blog [Here](http://whorevertrash.tumblr.com/) or on my main account which is also an RP blog [Here](http://bertholdtwhorever.tumblr.com/) Feedback and comments are 100% appreciated, thanks so much for stickin' with me ;a;

Marco walked up to his dorm room, pulling his door open and tossing his back pack off his shoulder, letting it land by the door. He peeled his jacket off and tossed it over the couch, heading towards his room. He'd just taken his last final for the semester and his brain was nothing but mush. It'd been almost a month now since Bertholdt landed himself in the hospital. It'd been almost a month since they started dating. It'd been over a month since he'd last seen Jean.

  
Marco threw his body onto his bed. The dean had actually stopped by to talk to him about the whole situation with Bertholdt, and how he could be excused from his exams if he passed a specific health examination, but Marco didn't even bother with it. He studied his ass off, why waste all of that effort? Besides, he knew he wasn't bad enough for that anyway. They had talked to him about getting a new roommate but he declined. He wanted Bertholdt to be able to come back here. He wanted him to have a place to come back to after everything was all said and done. The way they were talking though made him feel like Bertholdt wouldn't be back for a long time.

  
He was just transferred into his new rehabilitation center and just a few days ago, Marco learned that he wouldn't be seeing him much. His mother had specifically requested that him and Reiner weren't allowed for visitations, so it all fell on how well Bertholdt did in there by himself.

  
Marco groaned, bringing an arm over his eyes as he laid on his bed. He thought about taking a nap from all of his exhaustion, but that was all he had been doing lately. Now that they were about to go on a two month break for the holidays, he wanted to avoid sleeping his life away. Thanksgiving was in a couple of weeks and then there was Christmas. His parents had already gotten a hold of him and told him they would be going over seas to visit family, and Marco quickly declined going with them. There was no way he was going to be spending his entire time off listening to bad english and languages he didn't understand. Not to mention all the prodding and nosy family members bothering him all the time. Marco knew he didn't have the energy for that.  
  
So, all he had to do was to stay in his dorm room and mope around. He hoped that he might get the chance to see Bertholdt over the holidays, especially with his birthday being right after Christmas, but other than that, he was just by himself.

  
He hadn't talked to Reiner much since seeing him at the hospital, and even when they did talk, it was always awkward and about Bertholdt. He felt like Reiner had developed a soft spot for him now after everything had happened and he wasn't sure how to react to it. As far as Marco knew, no one knew about them dating now, and he didn't really feel comfortable telling anyone. Sure, they snuck kisses to each other and were a lot more touchy-feely with one another but, Marco couldn't help but feel like in the pit of his stomach, he really didn't want this.

  
He was trying to force himself to really like Bertholdt in that romantic way and it wasn't working. If anything, he felt like it was the worst decision he made since sleeping with Jean. He was visiting Bertholdt almost everyday at the hospital, and every time they sat and talked, Marco felt his stomach twist with regret. The two were both at an understanding that they weren't in love, but it just made everything feel so fake. The kisses they shared weren't anything like the fire that Jean lit his body with. They were cold and plastic where with Jean it was burning and passionate.

  
Marco turned on his side in the bed. He didn't want to think about him. He didn't want to think about how neglected he had been by him. Every time his name or image passed by it made his stomach twist and his heart beat in pain. He wouldn't have done it if he knew it would turn into this. He wouldn't ever have slept with him if it meant losing him. He wished he knew, oh god why the hell didn't he just stop?  
Marco thought back to that night and bit his lip.

  
The way Jean kissed him, and held him, and moaned his name, there was just no way he could've stopped. Jean soaked him in gasoline and then lit him on fire with each kiss that touched his skin. Every breath he took felt like the last one he'd ever take and Marco had been completely content with that idea if it meant happening in that moment. Time just didn't matter then, it wasn't important and didn't exist.  
Now, time was just laughing at him, making each day drag by painfully slow for him and reminding him that each breath he took was a note that he still had a long way to go before it'd be his last.

  
It was sad, but Marco was wishing that it would come sooner. He felt numb every time he was by himself and he refused to do anything with any of his friends. Getting the energy to see Bertholdt took all that he could muster, and even then it wasn't ever nearly worth it. He liked seeing him, especially because of how much better he had gotten from staying in the hospital, but it never made him feel any better.  
He couldn't even say he felt sad. He didn't. He didn't feel anything. He was tired of feeling nothing. It seemed like the only time that he could feel anything at all was when he had been sitting at that table with Jean, staring at all of his beautiful features and daydreaming of amazing moments.

  
That seemed like decades ago now. Marco thought about calling Jean or messaging him a couple of times, but he figured if Jean really wanted to talk to him then he would've by now. After all, Marco had tried. He tried really hard when he blew up Jean's phone and if that wasn't enough to get him to come back, then nothing from Marco ever would've been.

  
The freckled man sat up from his spot on the bed and let out another sigh. He had been doing that a lot lately. His eyes looked at his forearm, turning it over and looking at the nearly faded cuts that he carved in. They were healed, but they were still visible. At least no one would question him about wearing long sleeves, now that it had gotten much colder out.

  
_"...Talk to me..."_

  
"I fucking tried, asshole..." Marco breathed to himself, frustration boiling in his blood at the words that Jean said to him. How the hell could he go and treat him like this? Tell him something so empowering and motivational in one day and then just disappear like a ghost?

  
_"...Let me help you.. Please, just talk to me."_

  
"God-," Marco yanked his sleeve down, turning away from the cuts and then standing from his bed. He couldn't sit around in his room all day, not again. He was going to lose his mind if he stayed holed up in his dorm, but he didn't have anywhere he wanted to go. Maybe he would just walk. Walk around the city and see where his brain and feet would take him, even if he did feel completely numb.

* * *

 

"My name's Bertholdt Fubar... Um.. I really like drawing and art..Charcoals are personally my favorite to work with, but I really enjoy water color as well... Um..."

  
"Are you good at it? Your drawings?"

  
Bertholdt's eyes landed on the small women sitting in a metal fold out chair, her plastic smile encouraging him to speak more. Her name was Petra, and she was in charge of the support groups that Bertholdt was required to attend while attending the Rose Rehabilitation Center for his recovery.

  
The first week he didn't have to go to support group. The week after that, they were busy with meeting with doctors and finding the right medications for him, so he got to miss the support groups then. Last week had been his first support group, and as a new member, he wasn't required to speak until next week.

  
That made it today, which meant he was going through his introductions, just after hearing what everyone else had said. There was a blond male that sat off to his left who had just finished speaking. He went by Thomas and talked about his addiction to steroids and what it did to his body. He seemed tweak-ish, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the person that was on the blond's left, Daz, who had severe anxiety and panic issues. He also had an extremely bad stuttering problem and wouldn't continue on with his sentence until he said that word exactly how he wanted it to sound. It was time consuming and borderline annoying but everyone remained patient for him.

  
There was a girl with dark raven colored hair, brushed into two loose ponytails that sat beside Daz, and she was a whole mess of problems. She abused narcotics and was actually in a very violent relationship with someone which resulted in an attempt at suicide. Her name was Mina, and she was probably the nicest one out of the group. Next to her was Petra, who sat across from Bertholdt and then beside Perta was a girl that went by the name of Hitch.

  
Hitch was obsessive. She had an ex-girlfriend that dumped her and 'broke her heart' so to say. She stalked her relentlessly and when Hitch caught her with someone else she made an attempt to kill her ex-girlfriend and then herself quickly after. She had been in this place the longest supposedly, and it was after she had spoken that Bertholdt realized that this place was just a very cleverly disguised mental institution rather than a Rehabilitation center.

  
Next to Hitch was a large light-skinned black man named Franz. He was the next nicest one, but he had a bad addiction to meth. He talked about how his fiance had over-dosed on heroine and it sent him into depression and eventually into the use of meth. He made it clear that he wanted help, and it was probably the most heart-wrenching thing Bertholdt had to hear. He couldn't talk about his fiance without choking and no one knew the girl's name because he never was able to say it.

  
Finally, on Bertholdt's right, and the one that started today was someone that went by Nanaba. They were gender-fluid and very clear about that being respected. Today they went by 'she'. She didn't say much other than that they were here for 'getting help, like everybody else,' and that they very often had suicidal tendencies.

  
"I-I guess, I mean, I'm not the worst." Bertholdt stammered out. "I just really like it."

  
"That's great, Bertholdt." The way she said his name was like nails on a chalkboard to him. She looked down at her clipboard and then back up to him. "Now, are you able to talk about why you're here?"

  
"Um.." Bertholdt brought his eyes away from everyone that was staring at him. They all wanted to know his story and it made him uncomfortable. "I have.. A really bad body image.. You know, getting really into art and all makes looking at everything so beautiful and critical and I just...was too critical on myself I guess."

  
"And what did you do about it?"

  
"I starved myself." It hurt his heart admitting it out loud in a room full of borderline strangers, but in a way it felt like a wave of relief getting it out there. "I didn't eat and when I did, I threw it up. A lot."

  
"What were you trying to change by doing that?" Petra asked, her pen scrawling something down on her clipboard.

  
His eyes hit the floor, scrunching them together. "I-I don't know, really.. I mean.. When you draw, you can always take the line you created and bend it to make objects slimmer..I saw every muscle and curve as a line and I thought it needed to change. I wanted to make the lines slimmer, so I did.."

  
"Was there anything else that brought you here?" Bertholdt knew that she knew the answer to that. He continued anyway, just to satisfy her. He was trying to get out as early as he could, so he'd do everything he could to win over her input.

  
"Yeah..." He started, noticing that all the other group members hadn't looked away from him. "I tried to kill myself." He breathed out, catching Mina's face twisting into a worried one. "I...uh..took some pills.. And my roommate found me. So, I guess that's why I'm here." He trailed off, playing with his fingers. It didn't feel good to say that out loud.

  
The room was quiet for a long moment while the head of the support group jotted down more notes, until her eyes looked around the room and she put on her award winning plastic smile. "Well, Bertholdt that was very brave of you for opening up so much on your first introduction." He just shrugged in response while she got up and pulled some papers out from under the stack on her clipboard. "I think it'd be a good thing to do a little exercise now. Everyone's going to get a sheet and we're going to make a tally list. I'll be asking questions and you simply just mark a tally next to the corresponding question number if it's a yes. Leave it blank if it's a no."

  
After everyone had gotten their sheets, Bertholdt stared blankly at it. All it had were the numbers 1-9 going down the left side. Petra took a seat and got out her paper. "Alright, now. Question 1. Have you ever felt suicidal?"

  
Yes.

  
"Question 2. Have you ever acted violent towards others?"

  
No.

  
"Question 3-"

  
"-what if it was an accidental violence?" Petra was interrupted by Thomas, who stared down at his paper, his pencil touching it, but not moving. Petra just smiled.

  
"Just put which ever one down you feel like is the honest answer to you."

  
"But what if it was an accident?"

  
"j-j-just-just. JUST. _Just_. Just put yes. YES. Yes. _Yes_ ," Daz stammered out.

  
Petra waited patiently as Thomas thought over the response to himself before he put a mark down. She smiled and went on. "Question 3. Have you ever felt excluded?"

  
Yup.

  
"Question 4. Have you ever felt lost?"

  
Yes. Wasn't that why everyone was here? Because they were lost in some way? Bertholdt thought about how weird the activity was, but he didn't question it.

  
"Question 5. Have you ever felt betrayed?"

  
No, not really.. Bertholdt thought on it for a minute before deciding against putting it down.

 

"Question 6. Has anyone ever hurt you?"

  
Yes.

  
"Physically?" Thomas asked again.

  
'Physically or mentally." Petra answered. "Or both." She waited another minute as everyone made their decision. "Question 7. Do you have a goal?"

  
What? What kind of question was that? Bertholdt thought about it, looking around and seeing everyone else biting their lips over it, but not appearing confused. He shrugged it off and then put a mark down on his paper. Of course he had a goal. To get better, just like everyone else, right?

  
"Question 8. Are you happy?"

  
He left it blank.

  
In fact, he was sure he didn't see a single pencil move for that question.

  
"Question 9. Are you satisfied with who you are as a person?"

  
He left that one blank as well. He noticed that Nanaba marked her paper, but he didn't catch anyone else.

  
Petra looked around the room to make sure no one was working on any of the questions still. She smiled to everyone and her voice went soft. "Now, I want everyone to look down at their marks. Count how many are marked and we'll go around and say our numbers." Her eyes landed on Bertholdt, and his stomach sank. Of course she was going to make him go first. "Bertholdt, when you're ready I thought maybe you could start us off. "

  
"Oh uh," He looked down at his sheet skimming over his marks. "I had five."

  
Thomas then went. "Six."

 

Then Daz. "F-f-fou-four. F-fer, four. Four."

 

Then Mina. "Six."

  
Then Hitch. "I had seven."

  
Then Franz. "Two."

  
And finally Nanaba. "Six."

  
"Alright, now I want you to think about those numbers. They were all pretty close to each other, weren't they?" Thomas nodded, while everyone just sat back and listened. "That's because these are all questions that generally make us feel human. And we're all human."  
"What about the blanks?" Mina asked, her hand raised slightly like she was a student. "Why'd you have us leave them blank?"

  
Petra smiled. "Because some day in the future, you might find yourself putting a tally beside that number. It's blank because it's not permanent. Maybe you'll never fill in that tally, who knows?"

  
Mina hummed, looking down at her paper. Petra then placed her hands gently on her clipboard. "Now, I want you to hold onto these papers. Hang them up in your rooms, keep them in your pocket, just keep it. Hopefully one day you'll open it up and you'll forget what those marks meant. You'll remember putting them down, but you won't remember what these questions were, understand?"

  
Some people made humming noises like they followed, but Bertholdt didn't really buy in much to the whole self-motivational talk. He tried not to show his emotions, and it wasn't long before they were dismissed. He shuffled behind the rest of the group, the only thought in his head was that he really really needed to get out of this place.

* * *

 

  
Weeks of studying and hours of testing topped off with hardly any sleep was what Jean's schedule had been consumed off. It was the same as any of the students that were going through their finals right now, but Jean had the added stress of regret gnawing at his insides. It made studying a thousands times harder for him, but all he did was push the thoughts that kept him distracted down and spend a much longer time studying then he ever needed to.

  
Jean sat at his desk, the book cracked open in front of him a complete mystery. His eyes were staring aimlessly at the shelf that connected to the right side of his desk, the books and games decorating it sat unnamed in his mind. He couldn't stop thinking, but at the same time, not a single thought crossed his mind.

  
He wondered if Marco was okay.

  
He tried numerous times to call him, only to hang up before it even rang.

  
He wondered why he was doing what he was doing.

  
Maybe he was scared of what Marco had to say to him. Maybe he just hoped the problems he didn't want to deal with would somehow go away.

  
He blinked as all the thousands of scenarios he'd spent the past month creating crossed through his mind. Jean thought about the best way it could go and very rarely let himself think about the worst.

  
Before he processed doing it, Jean had already found himself staring down at his phone, his thumbs hovering over his keyboard at the empty message he had under Marco's name.

  
Apologizing through a text message would be a slap in the face. He knew that. It's why he never did it. Jean was the kind of person that liked to do things face-to-face. He felt it showed respect and honesty, where as doing things like sending apologies or break-ups through a text message was cowardly and disrespectful.

  
He knew Marco deserved more then a text message. He deserved a deep conversation and words that came from the heart--ones Jean really meant.

  
He'd set his phone down before typing a single letter.

  
He was using the excuse of his finals to ignore the gigantic problem that was Marco and the even smaller one of Eren. Jean let out a sigh as the two names brought out memories that twisted at his heart. The past couple of school years, the three of them had always gone out for a celebratory dinner after their exams. They'd sometimes have more of their friends with them, or none at all, but it had always been the three of them.

  
Each year the person who got the lowest grades had to pay for the meal. Marco had paid the last two years in a row. Before that had been Eren, and then before Eren was the night Jean had paid.

  
His lower lip quivered as he wondered who would've been the one to pay this year. It'd been such a drama filled ending to the semester, Jean couldn't even guess who had the lowest grades, but it wouldn't surprise him to find out they'd been the lowest grades ever earned.  
His head fell into his hands, fingers gripping at his curling hair. Nothing was going to be the same and it left the worst taste in his mouth. He wanted to be friends with Marco, and even Eren at this point. He wanted to pretend like all the tension and problems that were building the walls between them didn't exist. He wondered if texting either of them like nothing had happened would somehow make the both of them decide to feel the same way.

  
He thought about sending them a witty message, maybe one that poked fun at all their troubles. Jean felt a chuckle escape his lips when he thought about asking them to change the rules to their tradition. He wondered if they changed it to who cried the most this year who would've ended up paying for that meal.

  
He could wonder a million different rules but it'd never change a thing. Jean wanted so much, but made so little effort. His fear of seeing the damage to the bridge after the fire had been lit stopped him from realizing he could've prevented the flames from consuming the planks. Taking in a shaky breath, Jean tried to push the thoughts out of his mind. His eyes looked down at the book in front of him for the first time since he took his last final.

  
He had no reason anymore to not talk to anyone. He could only let his thoughts be the excuse he made to not try and talk to his friends. He side-eyed the phone he sat down. Deciding for the first time in a long time that he needed to finally stop moping over what he'd let happen, he grabbed his phone and quickly dialed his friend's number.

  
His eyes watched as the seconds started counting when it made a connection. Jean's heart twisted as he pulled the phone to his ear and took in a breath. His nerve was starting to fade quickly after the second ring, his thumb shooting for the end call button, but stopping short when he caught the heart aching call of his name.

  
_"....Jean...?"_

  
His eyes immediately started to swell with tears, hardly having the courage to bring the phone to his ear.

  
_"....Hello...?"_ His voice was soft and quiet. It sounded like a child that tried to call out to the monster that hid in the shadows in hopes that it'd rather be friends over a tormentor.

  
Jean brought the receiver to his ear, trying desperately to find his voice. "H-Hey." He choked out. He didn't know where to go from there. He didn't think far enough into this to have anything to say. A million things passed through his head, all the words he played out in a thousand scenarios and nothing as eloquent as those came to him at that moment. "...I miss you." He started with. "Can I come over..?"

* * *

 

Jean's hand was balled in a fist, hovering over the familiar dorm frame that he'd spent so much time behind. He didn't remember the drive over, or the walk to the door. He'd only just became hyper aware of where he was standing and what he was doing. Taking in a breath for encouragement, Jean brought his fist to the wood, knocking lightly.

  
He felt himself holding his breath as his ears perked up and listened for any movement on the other side. He felt his nerves spike all over the place when he heard the lock being turned and soon the door was open and he was staring into all too familiar pretty eyes.

  
"Hey...That was fast."

  
Jean couldn't even find it in him to shrug or give a sarcastic remark. His hazel eyes just stared into teal, all the secrets he had visible in the bags under his eyes. There was a long silence between the two before Jean was let into the place, the door closing gently behind him.

  
"So uh.. I don't really know what this is about but-" Jean cut him off before he could finish, pulling the shorter man into a hug that held so much meaning behind it that it crushed him. Jean's eyes poured out as he felt arms wrap around him. He buried his face into the nape of Eren's neck, taking in that familiar smell of his that he missed so much.

  
They were still for a long moment, Jean's cries growing louder with each silent second that passed. Eventually his knees caved and he dropped like a rag doll out of his exes arms. Eren followed him down, his hands gripping softly at his shoulders before bringing his eyes to Jean's. "Hey..." He breathed. "Hey, Jean it's okay."

  
"No it's fucking not." Jean spat out, his hands wiping at his eyes as he tried to compose himself enough to talk.

  
"Okay, it's probably not." Eren responded with, his eyes looking off to the side. "Look... What's this about..?" He started. "I mean, is... Is this over us?"

  
Jean scoffed. "Oh god I wish." He couldn't help but let out a sadistic laugh, sniffling as he attempted to start somewhere. "Boy would I have loved to spend my finals week a heart broken asshole numb with pain, but no-" He noticed the tense in Eren increase at that comment, but he couldn't care less. "-I get to deal with more than that. God forbid I ever get to fill my asshole quota, right?"

  
"Is it because of what happened with Bertholdt..?"

  
"Bertho-" Jean shook his head, bringing a hand to card through his hair. "It's because of _everything_ that fucking happened, Eren." He wiped at his eyes for a second time, drying most of his tears. "I hate this. This thing that's happening, this thing that's making everything all weird between us, I want it to go away." Eren opened his mouth to say something but stopped when he saw Jean ready to go on. "You don't love me anymore, our relationships over, I get that. I really do. I don't want it anymore anyway, but I'm so fucking lonely..." It hurt admitting that out loud, especially to the guy that caused everything in his life to go plummeting into pain. "I just want the good parts back.. The hang outs and the dick jokes, eating out at two in the fucking morning on a Monday, getting into a goddamn fist fight over the way to make a fucking sandwich..." Jean let out a big huff of air, a hiccup causing it to sputter. He trailed off, losing his words as memories filled his head. Eren didn't say anything to him, a look of pity on his face as he stared at the taller man. He felt bad for what he did, and he wished there was a proper way to apologize, but if he ever needed to take any advice, it was what Levi had told him.

  
"...I still think it's meat and veggies on bottom." Eren mumbled.

  
"Shut the fuck up..." Jean responded with, a chuckle escaping him. The brunette smiled to the comment, turning his head to look at his ex.

  
"Jean..?" Jean didn't look at him. "What's this really about?"

  
"..." He didn't reply to Eren, throwing his head back and letting out a sigh as he stared up at the ceiling. He wasn't really sure what he was trying to do by coming here. A long silence settled between them, Eren's eyes holding onto Jean's empty face.

  
"Jean...?"

  
"What, I can't just come over to want to talk?"

  
Eren cocked an eyebrow at that response. "The last words you said to me were to leave you the fuck alone." He shrugged his shoulders. "Y'know, after you said all that stuff about telling me to go fuck myself and to shut the fuck up..? I don't think you coming over to just want to talk is gonna fly on this one."

  
Jean closed his eyes when he thought about the last time he saw Eren before this. It hurt a lot more then than it did now, but there was still a twisting pain in his gut when he thought about that argument. "Maybe I forgave you."

  
"Yeah?" Eren questioned, wrapping his arms around his knees. "You're a fucking idiot if you do."

  
"..." Eren watched, waiting for a comment from Jean. "...Maybe I am..." Jean mumbled, looking off to the side. "I'm sure Marco would call me more than that."

  
"Eh? That's what this is about..?" The brunette rested his head against his knees. "What'd you do? What happened between you and Marco..? I heard Connie talking to Reiner about Marco the other day. actually.."

  
"What did they say?" Jean jumped, his head snapping to Marco. "Is Marco okay?"

  
"Tell me what you did first."

  
"Eren, don't fuck with me right no-"

  
" _What_ did you do?" Eren questioned, his voice rising.

  
Jean stared at Eren for a long moment before letting out a defeated breath. He bit his lip as he contemplated what to say. "....I fucked him." Jean mumbled.

  
Eren's eyes scrunched in confusion, staring at Jean for a deeper explanation. "...Because of...?" He started. "...Me?"

  
"Yeah." Jean shrugged. "No...I- I don't know." He sighed.

  
"Okay, reason aside, why wouldn't Marco be okay..?"

  
"...I haven't...talked to him since it happened."

  
Eren took in a deep breath. "You haven't said a word to him?" Jean nodded. "How long is 'since it happened'?"

  
"Over a month."

  
Eren's eyes widened in surprise, a hand carding through his hair. "You haven't talked to Marco in over a month...." He repeated. "...Marco's been by himself for over a month. No fucking wonder he's depressed."

  
"Is that what they said?"

  
"More or less." Eren replied with, turning to Jean. "Reiner said he couldn't get Marco out of the house so the two of them stopped by to spend time there. They were saying he was just...drained. He didn't even try to do anything. Hardly talked either."

  
Jean's lip shook with the threat of crying, pain twisting at his heart as he listened to the brunette.

  
"Jean you gotta talk to him man..." Eren commented, his voice soft. "He's not..." Eren stopped, struggling with the right words. "It's one thing for our relationship to stop. I fucked-" He cut himself up, re-wording his thought. "I made really mean decisions and because of that I don't think I deserve to really have you be a part of my life anymore." Jean's eyes traveled to Eren, the honesty in his words taking him by surprise. "Marco...doesn't deserve this, Jean. I don't know what's going through your head, or what you're feeling, but he really needs someone. You're the answer to every problem he's got right now."

  
"I know that but I'm just not sure that I want what he's asking for.." Jean groaned in frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose. "So much of my life has just been you, Eren. I don't know how to even begin transitioning from that to anything else."

  
"This is probably the last thing you want to hear, but I'm sorry Jean." His fingers played with the bits of frayed lace on his jeans. "I'm not sorry for how I feel, but I am sorry for being such a drama queen about everything."

  
"I get it." Jean heaved, waving a hand in the air. "I don't want to hear it anymore. You fell in love with someone else, plain and simple."

  
"See but I..didn't though." Eren corrected. "I'm not in love with my teacher. I never felt anything romantically for him." Jean's attention was on Eren again, confusion on his face. "It was all lust, really. I felt like our relationship was never going to end unless it went up in smoke. We've gotten into enough fights to end any relationship but we're the type of people to just bounce right back from it. I thought about just telling you that I didn't love you anymore, but whenever I imagined that conversation, you won every single time. You always talked about making things work and finding a spark again, and in my head I knew even then that I'd just.. Live with it." Eren shrugged his shoulders, his finger twirling around a lose thread and pulling at it. "That was going to be my life. Always wondering what I'd be doing right now if we weren't together. Thinking about the millions of ways that I could try to make myself believe I really loved you because I was too weak to break your heart the right way." He ran a hand over his face, not wanting to look at the expression Jean was wearing. "So I pushed you away and hoped that one day I'd wake up and you'd tell me that you didn't love me. Then we'd have a deep chit-chat and agree to go separate ways. But nothing happened. So I got angrier and frustrated.. It just kept building up because no matter what I did, you still loved me. You were still willing to be patient with me and by the end I was just so disgusted with all of it. Everything felt so fake and I was so mad that you were letting me treat you that way."

  
Letting out a breath, the brunette brought his eyes to Jean's sad hazel ones. He didn't know if Jean wanted to hear this or not, but he wasn't doing anything to stop him from continuing. "So I got it in my head that I had to make you hate me. I had this weird fantasy about doing all kinds of shitty things and seeing you walking away from me because of it. I'm fucking stupid, I know, but it made so much sense in my head. Cheat on you and I"m the bad guy, so you'll have to break up with me then. I mean I wasn't wrong.. I just.. Had a really unrealistic idea of what kind of pain it'd bring you.." He ran out of thought at that moment, silence settling in between them. Jean didn't say anything. His expression didn't change. If anything he seemed to be almost content, but his face was too sad to let that be true.

  
Eren turned away and changed the direction of the conversation. "Marco's probably had those same kind of fantasies. Thinking up all the dramatic things he could do and forgetting about all the worst possible outcomes. He's been going through that for fucking years, Jean." He tried not to think about the knife he dragged into Marco's chest the day he pushed his freckled friend into knocking him out. "Nobody's going to love you like he will. He's already been through so much damage and struggle, nothing can stop him from feeling the way he does." Jean pursed his lips, looking like he was trying to figure out the right thing to say in response, but Eren kept going. "I think you're over thinking this Jean. You don't have to return his feelings, that's what makes Marco so amazing. He can accept unrequited love from you so long as he's got the relationship he's had with you. He's been able to keep his feelings under control just for the sake of having the love and bond you two had." Eren watched as Jean's eyes watered up again, but he was cut from that view when his ex turned his head away from him. "What you're doing now...It's not okay man. You gotta at least tell him to wait and give you time. Maybe you'll decide to actually date him, maybe you'll just let things happen. Regardless, Marco deserves to have some kind of clue that you want him in your life."

  
There was a sniffle heard from Jean, but other than that it was just silence between them. Eren waited patiently for some kind of response, but Jean did nothing. He turned his head away from the taller man, letting out a sigh. The silence was comfortable, but it didn't stop Eren from feeling like there was still more that had to be said. He chewed on his lips in contemplation, only to jump when he felt Jean's head drop onto his shoulder. His eyes looked over at him, unsure of what he was doing. Another sniffle. "Jean..?"

  
"Shh.." Jean hushed, letting his eyes drift shut. "Just... Let me pretend for a little."

  
"That sounds stupid." Eren commented, leaning forward a bit to look at Jean's face. "Pretend what?"

  
"Pretend that you're Marco." He mumbled.

  
Eren shook his head, shrugging his shoulder so that Jean's head rolled off. "You're a fucking idiot." He commented, looking at Jean's face and the pout he gave him. "You know he lives right around the corner from here, right? Go over there and see him. Stop....whatever this is." Eren fanned his hands in between the two of them.

  
Jean was quiet again, not doing anything but staring down at the ground. This earned a groan out of the brunette, Eren standing from his spot and moving towards his kitchen area. There was the sound of jingling keys and then a moment of silence before he stepped back to the sandy-haired mess that collapsed at his door. "C'mon. We're going over there."

  
Hazel eyes shot up to teal, a pleading look behind them that Eren refused to acknowledge. "Get off the floor and let's go."

* * *

 

"Hey you know that new Hobbit movie just came out not too long ago, you think you might want to see it?" Reiner's voice was borderline begging, but he tried hard to not let that show through as he stared across the living room at his freckled friend.

  
A shrug of the shoulders, a shake of the head, and then silence.

  
The same response he'd gotten on everything that he'd said over the past few hours he had been here. The blond let out a sigh, but refused to admit defeat. He wanted to help Marco, but the only reason he didn't leave was because he was scared of what Marco might do when he was left alone. He'd been nothing lately but a shell of who he used to be, and after what happened with Bertholdt, Reiner didn't want to risk letting anything similar happen.

  
His thoughts were cut off by the sound of knocking, both their eyes looking at the door in confusion. Reiner thought maybe it was Connie or Sasha, but he could've sworn they were packing to go back home for the holidays.

  
Marco didn't move from his spot, or even make an attempt to. He seemed content in letting whoever was at the door just stand there. Reiner let out a sigh and stood from his spot, making a B-line for the door. He wasn't sure who to expect when he opened it, but to say he was surprised when he saw Jean and Eren standing there was an understatement. His eyes lit up and a smile cracked on his lips.

  
"No fucking way.." He cackled, pulling the door open completely to let the pair step inside. Reiner took in the look on Jean's face, his eyes shooting to Eren for an explanation. Eren only shrugged and nodded towards Jean in response. He brought his attention back towards the thinner man, taking in how broken and damaged he looked. The blond brought Jean into a hug then, patting his back to give him some kind of support. "It's good to see you here, man."

  
Jean nodded his head with a wordless 'thanks', and then pulled away from Reiner. He took in a deep breath, turning towards the person he came here to see. His heart twisted in pain when he saw the look on Marco's face. He looked absolutely miserable, and like he just saw someone come back from the dead. His big eyes were already watering and it took every ounce of will power Jean had to keep his from doing the same.

  
"Marco..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a horrible place to end that chapter, I know, I know. I can't promise when the next update will be, because I'm now focusing my time on getting an update for[ Learning to Love Jean Kirschstein ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2774609/chapters/6222542) I hope to have that fic along with this one updated sooner rather than later. Thanks again for reading ;a; I appreciate it tons.


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